And that was the day that I promisedI'd never sing of loveIf it does not exist
This song by Paramore had always been the song that I can really relate myself.My parents were married for fifteen years and they had three children, I am the only girl and the youngest. They had us, but still, they chose to give us a damn broken family.
I was just eight years old that time when my mother came home crying. I immediately ran towards her and hugged her to give her the comfort that I thought she needed.My brothers were out playing basketball so there is no one to comfort my mom aside from me. I hugged her and gently rubbed her back until she calmed down.I was very innocent that time and was very clueless of course.
Minutes later, my brothers are already home. They asked mom why was she crying very hard. The words that came out from my mother's mouth are etched in my brain up until now."Iniwan na tayo ng daddy niyo para sa bago niyang pamilya."
At that young age, I already stopped believing in love. Kung totoo man ang pagmamahal, naniniwala akong kukupas rin iyon.Just like what happened to my parents, they won't marry and decide to have children if they do not love each other, but their love faded and now nowhere to be found.
I never blamed my father for that, in fact that time, I blamed it all in my mother. I was so young so I couldn't understand everything yet. I blamed my mom, I told her it was her fault. I told her that maybe dad was too tired to compromise with her. I told her that if she only loved my dad enough, maybe he won't leave. Maybe we will be able to grow up with a complete family.
From that day, I just focused myself on my studies. Not until I am a third year college student and someone, for the fist time, made me believe that love do exist.
He was my blockmate. At first, I tried to ignore him. I told myself that just like how my parents lost the love they used to feel, what I am feeling that time will surely fade in no time soon. Or it maybe felt for a long period of time, but it will be gone.I tried to keep my heart caged. I did everything to secure my heart from pain that I know I will feel in no time.But he was just so persistent.
"Hintayin kita mamayang uwian ah, lilibre kita 'dun sa bagong restaurant."
"Pssst! Badtrip ka nanaman, tingnan mo nalang mukha ko para gumanda mood mo."
Every single moment, he proved to me his pure intensions. He was just so persistent to show his affection towards me.
"May gagawin ka mamaya? Punta tayo sa mall?"
"Kumain ka na ba? Tikman mo 'to, ako nagluto nito, para sayo talaga yan."
In mornings when I opened my eyes, it is his texts and good mornings that will start my day. "Good morning sunshine! Gumising ng maaga para hindi bumaba ang marka!
In the university, he will follow me all around and join me everywhere I go and whatever I do. "Punta kang library? Sama ako.""Bibili ka rin sa cafeteria? Sama ako."
Then before I close my eyes in the evenings, it is his 'good nights' and 'sweetdreams' that will make my heart flutter just before I sleep."Good night, sweet dreams, sana paggising mo, mahal mo na rin ako."
With him, I found a companion, a partner, a best friend, and sometimes an enemy. In him, I found love.He made me realize that love won't fade unless you don't want it anymore.In order for it to remain, you have to choose it everyday. Fight for it everyday. Remember your love for him everyday.
He made me realize that what happened to my parents were different because we are not them.
I've got a tight grip on realityAnd yes, I am aware of the reality. The reality that no love is perfect.
We might get into fights and misunderstandings now until we grew older. "Hindi ko nga sabi iyon kilala, nagpapicture lang naman."
"Ikaw nga lang ang gusto ko, ikaw lang ang mahal ko, ikaw lang ang pipiliin ko. Kahit saan, kahit kailan, at sa lahat ng paraan kaya huwag mo na akong pagdudahan. Bati na tayo, please?"
But I as long as we both choose each other everyday, I know that we will last a lifetime.
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
This man, shedding tears in front of me as I walk nearer and nearer to the altar where he is, is the man that I will marry now and the man that I will choose everyday.The man that I will spend my whole lifetime with. The man that I will love with all of my heart. The man that will be the father of my future children."I love you so much."My dear husband, in this world full of people who made me believe that love doesn't exist... you are my only exception.
