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“Happy happy birthday, Celena Jade! You're now on your legal age. I always remember that moment when you're 8 years old, ‘Mommy, I promise that if I become a Doctor someday, I will remove all the pain that you've been suffering all these years.’ That made me strong. Cj you're a big girl now” She wiped her tears.
She smiled genuinely but her tears are still flowing through her cheeks.
“Celena, I treated you like my own child. You taught me so many things, you taught me how to be a great mom... And I aso want to teach you something, if someone leaves, it doesn't mean that they really want to leave. Sometimes they need to leave to fix something or they're leaving because they need to.”
She lowered her gaze but the smile remained on her lips, even though her eyes were teary, you could still see her smile on her face.
“Mommy will always love you even from a far.” She smiled at me and gave the microphone to the emcee.
Funny how my lips smiled but my eyes are already dimming due to tears while re-watching the video made on my 18th birthday. I don't have the energy to watch that on a normal day, I just get encouraged on my birthday. Yeah, it's my birthday today. It's my second birthday without Mommy Amelia.
Mommy Amelia has a stage 3 lung cancer. She died after my birthday party. 11 pm. She was hugging me tight while saying her farewell. Pagod na pagod na siguro siya, hindi niya na kinayang pa-taposin ang araw ng aking kaarawan. She may have tried, but her body has given up.
Hindi ko maintindihan. Dalawang taon na ang nakakalipas ngunit ang sakit na aking nararamdaman ngayon ay parang kahapon lang ito nangyari.
I don't know when I can smile genuinely again. Yes I can smile with my eyes crying, I can smile while my heart is in pain but how can I smile again without worrying about anything? How? If the energy I was sourcing was gone.
If I will describe myself, there's one word that really fits on me. Alone. But the thing here is, Mommy Amelia wants me to be independent and strong. I wanted to have that kind of personality too but how can I assure myself that I can be that person if I always choose to stick with people who chooses to give up and abandon me?
Kung ako ang tatanongin... Hindi ko na pipiliing ma-buhay pa dahil wala naman na akong rason para i-pag patuloy kung ano man ang mga pangarap ko noon. Pero kung bibitawan ko ang salita na nag bigay ng tibay ng loob kay Mommy Amelia ng ilang taon ay parang nawalan na rin ako ng utang na loob sakaniya.
Hindi ko inaasahan na ganito pala ang magiging ako sa pag-apak ko ng legal na edad. Noong bata pa lang ako ay lagi kong na-iisip, ‘What will happen to me when I grow up?’ Hindi ko inaasahan na magiging mag-isa na lang ako. Wala na akong makakapitan kundi ang sarili ko. Now that I'm a grown up, I regret thinking that as a kid.
Kaya ko naman diba?
Kakayanin, wala na akong pag pipilian. Dahil sa laban na 'to ay kailangan kong matalo ang mahinang sistema ng sarili ko, kung hindi ko iyon matatalo... How can I survive this painful world?
It's 12 am right now. I'm in my room, lying on my bed. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin. It supposed to be a happy day but this day is full of painful moments that I can never forget of.
Dalawang taon na ang nasayang ko dahil binabad ko ang sarili ko sa isang pangyayari na hindi ko na maibabalik pa. I shouldn't waste time anymore. I need to fix myself, I need to change for my own sake. Sinong gagawa ng mga bagay na iyan kung hindi ako?
