Portsmouth; City With No Art.

Portsmouth. (aka Pompey.)

Weee! /wi:

Portsmouth slang: Surprise at something that is amazing.

This is not an autobiography, nor is it a history book.What follows are some of the things I've learned about my home town Portsmouth; its inhabitants, the local professional football club and the music. It's a personal view, and the emphasiswill be on the years 1968 to the present. Context is importanthowever, so I will through necessity..and because it's interesting,look at the bigger, longer story.

I don't come from Portsmouth. It's a fact I have celebrated and regretted many times. I have left the city five times and on each occasion vowed never to return.Five times I have come home and stood wearily outside Portsmouth's main railway station mulling Einstein's words;"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Of course, there's no evidence Einstein, (or Mark Twainor Benjamin Franklin), ever said this. Is it actually true? After all, one can throw a dice six times and achieve different results. Quentin Crisp in The Naked Civil Servant observed of his manically depressed friend; 'Poland isn't a country, it's a state of mind.' Much the same could be said of Portsmouth, and the souls who sail in her.Pompey? Yes Pompey. It's a nickname for both the city and the football team that represents it and, nobody quite knows why this is the case, or even the word's origins. Actually, there might be someone out there who does know, but thus-far they have been pretty quiet, or nobody has believed them. I'm told that there's an Arabic saying; 'God has 1000 names. Man knows 999 of them but only the camel knows the 1000th. This explains why camels always look so superior.'Pompey is a bit of a mystery, both the city and its inhabitants.For a small place, it's a big subject. I'll try to cover the main aspectsbut will inevitably miss some major factor, a crime for which I'll no doubt be subjected to abuse. It's the risk anyone from the area takes should they dare to raise their head above the parapet.
Roots and beginnings...OR...where the Hell IS Portsmouth?
If one looks at the south coast of Great Britain you will see Plymouth to the far left and Dover to the right. For those who are stricter about geography and navigational terms, Plymouth is to the west, Dover to the east. Portsmouth is right bang in between, opposite that diamond shaped island, the Isle of Wight. The nearest city to Portsmouth is S********n, some 17 miles along the M27 motorway. For those unfamiliar with local rivalries, Portmuthians (people from Portsmouth) are legally and civilly forbidden from writing or saying the name S*******n. Perhaps I can get around this rule by stating that the county in which both cities are situated, today known as Hampshire, used to be known as Southamptonshire.I am of course only kidding, overstating the enmity between the two cities. It is no greater than that between say Liverpool and Manchester, Edinburgh and Glasgow, England and Germany or King Henry VIII and Pope Clement the VII. It's all in jest, good-natured ribbing and, rather like the origins of the name Pompey, nobody is quite sure WHY the two cities' inhabitants view the other with such enmity. Joking and hyperbole aside, actual hatred is rare and confined to a blinkered, bigoted few and only rears its ugly head when the cities' two football teams meet. Even this football related violence has dissipated over the years. Things have changed. There was a time 40 years ago when wearing a Southampton shirt in Portsmouth was a real risk to one's physical wellbeing. Today it is tolerated, at least in well policed areas during daylight hours. The same I'm told applies to wearing a Pompey shirt in Southampton, but since I very rarely go there, I can't say for sure.
At this point I think it's important to differentiate between Portsmouththe island, and Portsmouth the wider city. As one travels down from the north, (and to most Pompey folk, anywhere at a latitude greater than Petersfield counts as 'up north') , you will see official signs at the roadside welcoming you to Portsmouth. They start some five miles before you actually enter the city 'proper' and only end when your car starts shipping water on Southsea sea front, Pedantic point. forgive me... The strip of water off Portsea Island's four miles of shingle beach is Spithead, not as commonly stated the Solent. The Solent is the greater part of water but the grey/green stuff between Southsea, the holiday resort area of Portsmouth, and Ryde on the Isle of Wight is Spithead. One could state that the English Channel is actually the North Sea, and in a way it is but..it's the Channel and Spithead isn't the Solent...clear?Portsmouth is actually an amalgamation of a number of outlying villages and the first area known as Portsmouth was on the mainland. Yes, Portsmouth, or more actually Portsea island IS an island separated from the English mainland twice a day when the tide comes in. It's one of those fun trivia questions; 'Who are the only professional English team to play on an island?' Most Portsmouth folk get it, few others do. It all started with the Normans, an unpleasant mixture of French and Viking. It was they who built a fort on the large hill that looks down on Portsea. The hill is known as Portsdown Hill and it provides panoramic views out to the Isle of Wight., which is useful when looking out for invading naval forces. Portsdown Hill has also served two other key purposes. Its elevation and situation means that most snow falls on its slopes rather than on the city below. It was also the traditional torture chamber for Portsmouth FC players. Pompey footballers feared pre-season training since a large part of it had nothing to do with skills in controlling a pig skin sphere, and everything to do with running up and down Portsdown Hill under the hostile gaze and less than tender-hearted vocal encouragement of some malevolent PT instructor from the Royal Marines. Rumour has it that several quite high profile players declined the offer of a transfer to Pompey because they feared pre-season training.
Time passed and slowly, the land beneath Portsdown Hill..settlements such as Cosham were established. Inexorably settlements moved southwards onto the island itself and familiar areas today, Buckland, Copnor and Fratton came into being.Hell, I did say at the start that this is NOT history book. If you areinterested in the early development of Portsmouth, there are myriad better, more informed and less subjective sources elsewhere.The most important and inescapable part of Pompey's history is its connection with the Royal Navy.If Portsmouth is known for anything internationally, it's as home to theBritish Navy. To ignore its influence would be to leave out a huge part of what makes the city what it was, and what it is today.One general observation. The Navy have always had a particular relationship with the British public. Sailors have traditionally, and until relatively recently, been able to walk the streets of Pompey and other navy towns, in uniform and not been adversely judged. Why?Well the answer seems to be that a Navy, by definition (at least in past times) was always seen as a defensive force, protecting the nation's interests against foreign invaders. The Army however have tended to be seen as an arm of the government, sent in to do the rulers' work and enforce peace and break up protests. Soldiers were always more cautious about going onto the streets in uniform since they could expect a less welcoming reception from the public.It should be noted that Portsmouth has had a slightly schizophrenic relationship with the Royal Navy, or rather, those who serve in the Navy. All Portsmouth people know how much the city's economy has depended on it, this doesn't mean that everyone in the city loves skates.Skates? Yes, as in the fish. Locally, matelots are known as skates. Matelot? A French word for sailor. Sailors are called skates locally, would you like to know why? Well, I'm happy to tell you, as long as you don't get all squeamish. moralistic or animal rights with me. It all happened a long time ago and I'm sure no skate has been subjected to such ill-treatment for.... few months anyway...and the skates that were used..well they were French.OK; Back in the days of sailing vessels, when crews were away at sea for months at end, some would miss the company of a woman.Some indulged in 'man on man' action, leading to the phrase describing Navy life...'Rum, Bum and the Lash'. This was adopted by Irish musical hoolihans (yes, the word hooligan derives from a notoriously unruly family the Hoolihans)...The Pogues for their album 'Rum, Sodomy and the Lash'.I will not go into every detail, suffice it to say that the female skate shares certain physical similarities to the human female, similarities..south of the equator shall we say? Without a wife, sweetheart or prostitute with wooden teeth and a heart of gold. some crew members would catch a skate then tie it to one of the ship's masts. The men would take it in turns to use the skate's intimate area to relieve pent up 'desires'. Men being men, I fear that the unfortunate skate, having served its purpose was thrown back into the sea and no payment was made.
Just because most Portsmouth people knew that directly or indirectly, their livelihoods depended on the Navy. This didn't mean they automatically loved sailors. Many sports have been played in Portsmouth, to different standards. The football club rose to the pinnacle of the professional game when after lifting the FA Cup in 1939, they won the English Championship in consecutive seasons 1948/49 and 1949/50. Hampshire County Cricket Club paraded the skills of international players at the United Services ground. Another sport in which Pompey excelled was 'skate bashing'.