Why Can't I Disappear?

Honestly

To be honest, I think I'm only writing this because I need to scream and writing will help me do that. You'd think that after taking a long 30minute shower that you'd be able to pick yourself up and head back to that long overdue to-do list. Though just like always that did not happen. 

He, my Dad, spoke words that didn't get me angry or annoyed or even frustrated this time. That should be a good thing right? Truth be told, I wish I did get frustrated and shout to the end of my lungs, let alone just backchat at him. However, unfortunately, these words diffused like hydrochloric acid through my skin into the muscle tissue and started to decay and destroy every fibre one....by...one. I felt each strand scream and heard the sensory neurones echo. I could not bear it any longer, so I picked myself up and as I walked right by him I felt the urge to slit his throat with the claws I had for nails. Fortunately, I made it to my room and headed straight to the shower. 

They say showers are used to unleash both physical and mental stiffness, and the emotional stress release is dependent on you. 

I actually have no idea where I got that from, maybe I just made it up. Anyways, every heated drop of water slowly pieced together my muscle tissues, but now my mind started to race faster than a bull on a chase for that red flag. 

How can one disappear from the face of the earth whilst they are covered in colour? 
Why can't I turn invisible just to see if someone would notice?
Why can't I shut down my feelings when he speaks to me like I'm built of nothing but straw?
When will maturity be enough for my mouth to finally discipline itself to shut up?
When will he realise that all he says storms in my head and stays there like an ongoing cyclone?
Who can listen and have no judgement about what I feel? Who will lead me to a place where I don't judge myself?
How can an extrovert HIDE THEIR ENTIRE BEING?????

I've always had a problem keeping my mouth shut. Not in the sense of being a "blabbermouth" but in the sense where each and every statement that triggered a comment, I commented. I can not sit still when someone argues with me. I answer all questions asked, without hesitation. I even can not stop myself from complimenting anyone and everyone. In that extrovertedness I have landed into messy troublesome situations, and also created bonds with people I would never want to lose. Though back to the topic here, my Dad, is somewhat the same, and hence why we always clash like those cymbals in the band. It takes milliseconds for him to tick me off, but why can't I learn to keep quiet? Today of all days, that had to happen. 

He questioned my mind, my soul, and my will for making decisions on various levels. All I want to do is fall in the deepest ocean, or soar with the eagles. How can someone find peace and comfort in constantly provoking and egotistically restating and overstating useless and pointless arguments? And like a kid who loves candy, I fall for the trick EVERY DAMM TIME. 

I watch in awe introverts keeping to themselves. How do you do it? That composure when a snake bites you within the lions' den. That posture and blank face when those in place to support you instead deconstruct the spectacle of motivation you piled up for yourself. The essence of being able to withstand the urge to fight back and take control of the situation. Teach me your ways? Maybe then will I dwell in harmony with the figure placed to be an authority over me.

It is not that I can not speak, it is that when you speak the words will be fatalistically sung in a fanatic measure to corrode the fragile respect you have for them. Take me to a place where my emotions are silent. Guide me to a path where I only have to endure the physical changes in the weather and not my body constantly pierced by thorns from within. Drive me away and promise me you'll blast the music so the urge for my mouth to open up will only be to sing along. Persuade me that I can as a matter of fact become an extrovert with introverted feelings.  

Honestly, just take me to the grand canyon and allow me to scream till I can't anymore...