Blue.

"You don't express yourself enough," she observes. "Perhaps it has something to do with your name; it is claimed that individuals draw a great lot from their names, so now you have it." She groaned and held me tightly, murmuring, "I'll solve it." Olivia was the sweetest, funniest, most romantic, most upbeat girl I'd ever encountered; she was the finest thing I'd ever had. She saw my worst aspects and stayed, she loved and appreciated my imperfections, and most importantly, she made me feel alright. Know that light God brings you at the end of a really dark tunnel? Olivia was my light, the gift God had made just for me, and I was that ungrateful brat who got on all of her nerves and drove her away. My name is Modra, and yes, it means blue in Slovakia. My mother is Slovakian, and she grew up obsessed with the colour blue, so she had to name me blue. Don't get me wrong, I like it, and I think it's a lovely colour, but it contributed to me having an intolerable attitude. One day Olivia and I were having dinner, it was one of those lazy nights where you can't even cook so you order some pizza, throw a good or average movie doesn't matter at that point, wear some baggies and fall asleep on the couch. So yeah, you get the picture, it was Olivia's that time of the month, and she was super tired from all the cramps, and a really bad day at work made it worse, and there laid me... stressing her over anything just because I could, making her feel shitty, hate her body, looks and the way she didn't control her bleeding, just because I could. Did I love her? Of course, I did, did I hurt her? Badly very very badly, I remember one day we went to the cinema and I didn't hold her hand while watching, not because I didn't feel like it, the opposite of that I have been dying to do so, but I cringed. I remember telling her "Oli, you need someone who is as affectionate as you, someone who shares the same love language, you love hearing words and being touched, you love gifts and effort. I won't be able to do so and you are gonna hate me eventually." She stood in front of me without saying a word for a couple of minutes, just observing me as if I'm gonna vanish into the air, she was observing me, engraving all of my features in her mind and she sighed. Then she hit me with what I needed to hear the most "I know you're not good at words, touching nor effort, but I know you love me I see it in your eyes and I feel it whenever we do anything, I feel it in every move even in your harsh words. And it's okay, I love you too and I don't need anyone but you. We will work on your flaws together just let me in." she took my hand and put it around her waist, I felt like I got the whole world between my hands, but I couldn't tell her that I got the whole world, I couldn't even hug her tight, as I was lost in my own mind that eats me alive, constantly beating me up, not giving me the space nor the support that I need. But Olivia made it better, easier, she made me forget that my mind is constantly beating me. However, all I did was making hers beat her, I changed her from being the brightest person and turned her into a depressed girl who no longer embraces her flaws, instead of accepting, she started hating herself. I remember she used to wear short dresses embracing her body, feeling herself. And here comes me, destroying her sense of confidence, giving her negative and harsh comments about her body which is something that no one should comment on, and I'm totally aware of that. I don't know why I used to say that, maybe I wanted her to hate me, give up on me, dump be or just hurt me back. Instead, she would just look at me with tears in her eyes saying "You are mean" then get over it, but I didn't notice the gradual change in her style, getting baggy clothes that doesn't show much, she started eating differently, she changed her hair after many comments of me as well. In a nutshell, I changed her, made her gloomier, not that energetic, but I still loved her with all of my heart. The point is I wasn't trying to act like a complete mean person, I just wanted her to get to know me the way I am, I thought I let her in the way she asked me to, turned out she wanted to know more about my traumas and why I tend to disappear when it gets heavy. We were roommates, that how I knew her, she recently moved into the country and was searching for a place to stay in, my house was big enough to hold the two of us with separate rooms and bathrooms, so I rented her a space to stay in. She was an amazing roommate, caring and clean, she made me breakfast without asking; treated me nicely even though I was super rude. One day she came to my room, knocking hysterically and she was like "come on, roomie let's watch something, you can't lock yourself here all day long, I let you do it the past week cause, I was giving you some space, but it's not acceptable anymore. Get your depressed ass out and let's watch a movie together" I ignored her just as I did most of the time, but she didn't give up on me so I decided to join her. It was the best movie night I have ever had, but ofc I wouldn't tell her that. We watched the Harry Potter entire series and it was amazing, she made me see things that I never noticed even though I watched this series many times, and just like that she gave meaning to my life. Still, I'm was not really that talkative to express myself and to tell her how much I loved the way she made me feel. I couldn't tell her that I love her body, with her stretch marks, giggly parts and with all the things I made her change, just by hiding my feelings. I didn't tell her that I enjoyed The Arabian Nights just because she loved it, instead, I mocked her and made her hate her taste. I didn't tell her how I love her style, but I made her change it, I didn't tell her that I loved her cooking, that she is the best cook and makes the best food I have ever tasted. I didn't tell her that I miss her every day she takes a night shift and gets back home to sleep. I didn't tell her that I enjoy her touch, hug and kiss especially when she plays with my hair when I lay on her lap. I was just a mean guy who is scared of his own feelings. She left me because she had a reason to live and I destroyed that feeling, but I wanna change for her beautiful eyes, I wanna share the rest of my life with her by my side, supporting and taking care of me just like she always does. I wanna be her safe haven, the one she feels completely herself around, I wanna be able to tell her how much she means to me, to cook her a good meal and cuddle her when period cramps hit her. I wanna be the one who she runs to when the day gets heavy and it seems like the whole universe is plotting against her. I wanna be the one she strips naked in front of without fearing her imperfections, knowing damn well that I think she is already beautiful. I wanna be that guy that she grows up with feeling assured, pretty and confident. I wanna be her peace in that chaotic world, I wanna let her in tell her everything and make her heal me, but how can I expect help from the one I broke. I think I did gain many things from that name my mom gave me, but I'm ready to change for her I really do. As he vented out and confronted himself, Modra understood the fact that he needed to confront Olivia and express his feelings, letting go of anything that has hurt him before to shape him the way he is, letting his emotions guide him for a sweet disaster, that will save him from that ocean of shadiness, sadness and doubt. He went to her house with chocolates trying to win the only one he loved. He knocked and she opened with eyes full of tears and messy clothes, with a broken voice and weak bones, he didn't say anything he just held her tight for a while, healing her and getting some peace back. She cried a lot but she understood him as she always does, she invited him in and he followed, and for the very first time, he spoke with his heart and not his mind.

"I love you, Oli, I have always loved you, but I was so afraid of letting go of my emotions or at least giving them full control over me, fearing that you might hurt me. So, I built boundaries that only broke you and left me hating myself. I'm willing to change if you helped me, you are the love of my life, my soulmate and my best friend and I can't just give you up. I'm sorry" He said and she remained silent, observing him, scared of getting hurt again, but something in his eyes assured her, something she has never seen before and for that, she decided to stay.