Girl Undecided

You know that feeling at the pit of your stomach, when you can't think of anything else and everything around just becomes non-existent? When you love someone so much, it just... hurts?

That's how I felt when I met him.

I was sixteen years old and people say that's the time when you start to fall in and out of love. His shining blue eyes and soft golden hair. How he could dress so casual yet look so amazing at the same time. God, how I just wanted him to notice me. The problem was he was popular and I was not, he was funny and I couldn't even crack a joke, he was friendly and had so many friends and I was invisible. I would always make up little fantasies inside my head of how he would just come up to me and tell me he loves me and how he always had, how he would hold my hand and tell me to shut up when I would just ramble on and on... and how he would kiss me.

The only problem was he was already taken.

I mean things like this happen right? I was never surprised that he already had a girlfriend, he really was irresistible. Looking at how he would wrap his arm around her waist, whisper sweet caring things in her ear and how he would never, ever, be afraid to say the words 'I love you'.

But the girl he supposedly 'loved' was a complete bitch and was cheating on him behind his back. Everyone knew of course, but were too scared to tell him. It wasn't fair. He deserved better. I wanted to be with him, to love him, but let's be honest, who would notice me? Who could love me?

I'm not being dramatic, my own parents don't even love me. My dad left me when I was 3 years old, haven't seen him since and don't want to, and my mum is an alcoholic and makes it perfectly clear everyday of ever hour that she never wanted me.

I guess I'm someone you call unlovable.

It hurts to say it but I know it's true.

Anyway, it had been at least 4 months and the bitch was still going behind his back. I had to do something about it, so I wrote him an anonymous letter one day telling him about all the cheating and telling him that he deserves more than that. Let's just say it was a pretty long letter...

I stood behind the corridor and watched the letter fall out of his locker and onto the floor. He stood there for a few seconds confused, but eventually picked it up and started to read the letter. I watched as his face fell and how is eyes were full of despair . A little part of me felt somewhat guilty, but he had to know. That his relationship was a complete and utter lie.

Obviously he confronted 'her' and broke it off. She kept on begging him to stay, but he stood his ground. I was quite proud of him for doing that.

I was happy for him, but he wanted to know who wrote the letter. I overheard him telling his friends how he couldn't stop thinking about the note and how he felt a 'connection' with the 'mystery girl'. How he knew it was a girl crosses my mind. I couldn't let him find out it was me. What would he think if he found out, I mean, he was probably expecting a gorgeous, shy, sweet girl. I guess he only got the shy part right.

I was getting really worried about it. Soon the whole school knew about the 'Mystery Girl' and were all helping him figure out who it was. It was getting out of hand and I knew deep in my heart that somehow, he was going to know it was me. What would he think? I'm just some silly little girl who had an obsessive crush?

Days went by and he never found out. The gossip soon just faded away and I just watched as he gave up, bit by bit. Soon Graduation Day came and the Principal teacher called my name. I went up onto the stage to receive my diploma but as I was walking, my eyes connected with his. My eyes never left his for a good few seconds and I watched as his eyes went wide as he realised what he had wanted to know for a long time. I got so scared, I panicked and ran off the stage and through the crowd to get out of this hellhole. As soon as I reached the front entrance to the school, I felt someone grab my arm back and before I knew it, I was facing 'him' and his lips connected with mine. So soft and so cautious. I couldn't believe it but I was actually kissing him back! This boy who I have loved so much ever since my eyes connected with his. Those deep blue eyes.

It's quite strange actually, that you picture yourself, middle aged, alone with like 80 cats. I never thought anyone could feel the same way for me as I did for them but...

Boy, was I wrong.

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So this was literally just something that sprung to mind and I decided to write it down for you. I honestly hope you like it, I know it does need editing but hey-ho. :) Please vote and if you can comment and give me feedback on whether you liked it or not. Also, if you really love me, can you go to my page and follow me? ;) It would be deeply appreciated. :) Much love from me just for spending a few minutes to read my incredibly short story.

Stay beautiful.

- Jen.