I wish I could...

Chapter 1

《First of all, English is not my mother tongue. The story may have some mistakes.》

I wish I could get the answers...

Am I living or am I just spending the days, without counting hours because I am not even excited for another day? Lately, this is the main question that I am struggling myself with.
But why can't I be happy as I used to be? Am I getting old enough or something that I used to have is missing and somehow I cannot realize what it might be? Why am I feeling so lonely being around so many people? Why do I feel so demotivated doing things that I always loved to do? I have so many questions that I can not answer, even though it might be easier for others to answer, but I am too confused, too scared of what kind of future I will have. And they say that it is a good sign to be scared which means that you care about the future.

Everyone tries so hard to be a better version of themselves, and I think that we do not have to worry much about being perfect, we are not God or something near to perfection, we just need to be what we can be. Try to be happy, chase our dreams, and of course fight for what we want without taking anybody down. Regardless of who we are, we can be many things, but we shouldn't lie to ourselves. Honesty is the major thing when it comes to a human being and I try to be honest with myself as same as with others. Sometimes it is not easy to be honest with ourselves, maybe because we prefer to be optimists believing that everything will be fine at the end of the day, or maybe because we do not want to face the reality, to see that it is what it is and that is ok not to be ok. But guys, lying to ourselves, putting a fake smile on our face that can convince others, sometimes seems to be more reasonable because we do not want to let others see our weaknesses. Some of us are just too scared to deal with our feelings, we just do not want to feel devastated, vulnerable, or blame ourselves for not succeeding. To pressure ourselves too much, to push into something that maybe we just want to finish and sometimes isn't something that we dreamed about. Sometimes we just accept things because we have no way out or because we do not want to wait. And the feeling of being doing, studying, and living something that we never see ourselves in that spot freaks us out, and since we got used to it we push ourselves even more otherwise will be a waste of time. Spending time on something and giving up isn't something that anybody can do easily, we feel regret, anxiety, and uncertainty about what choice we should make. All these make us feel so sick. And that is why mental health is so important. I truly believe that mental health should get much more consideration for people, the majority of people think that is bullshit, that feeling sad is normal, but they do not get it. I am going through a lot, during two years I faced ups and downs in my life, I was diagnosed with anxiety and I am doing all I can, yoga, meditation, walks, dancing, writing, eat much more healthy food to get better. I hope to get over this because I am dying to get back to what I used to be.

Sometimes a person can go through something and you cannot notice it, and if that person opens up about the emotional part means that whatever is happening in that person's life is too hard to handle, or because he/she is just desperate without any idea of what is going on with them, need advice or just to relieve their heart. Many of the situations can be related to why suddenly feeling sad, why feeling guilty, why missing someone that passed away since you know that is no longer pain for that person and you know that is wrong to wish them back just because you are suffering from their loss and they will have to get through all that pain again, so selfish of you thinking in that way. Is much better to think that things happen for one reason so you do not need to blame yourself for everything that happens, you cannot control everything, and you cannot even predict what might happen. Well sometimes we can just guess it because it can be obvious, but you just need to accept things the way they are, and if did not happen as you wanted just accept it. Do not struggle yourself, thinking what if you did this or that. Life is too short for wasting time with regrets, as Sia told us: I am gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist. So, just live. We just have one life, do whatever we want, as long you are not hurting anyone. Be you and enjoy every single second of your existence because tomorrow you might not be here.