Unexpected

Part XLIV: Unexpected

I brush my thumb along Elliot's jaw line, feeling the soft stubble on his chin against the pad of my finger. He sleeps soundly, softly snoring, his naked body barely covered by my bed sheet.

I love you...

I rest my head on my arm and clench my eyes shut. My mind races and my body aches. I think back to a year ago, when Elliot and I had first met in that loud, sweaty club. When he had taken me home and reawakened my body that night. When his company and his touch made me crave him more and more each day.

And now...

I loved every minute of what happened earlier in the evening, feeling like we were one again, like there was nothing wrong. And yet, nothing was the same. We've changed. I've changed. Three months ago, I left him. Everything we built together had come to an abrupt end.

I love him. But I can't forget what he'd done. And yet, after I left him, he sat by my side for days on end until I woke up in the hospital. He loves me, endlessly, unconditionally which is a love I've never had before.

What do you want, Kris?

Elliot's phone rings. He rolls over and stretches before answering it.

"Hello?" he says sleepily. Elliot listens to the voice on the other end of the call. "Really?" he asks, sitting up in bed. He runs his fingers through his hair. "That quickly? It's just done, taken care of?"

Elliot glances at me. I raise an eyebrow, intrigued by the conversation.

"Yes. Thank you, thank you very much." Elliot ends the call and drops the phone onto the bed. He laughs quietly before laying back down. He rests his head on the pillow beside me, placing his hand on my cheek.

"Care to share?" I ask.

"Well, I'm divorced." He grins.

"What?" I say, surprised. "Officially? Like, she actually filed the papers?"

"Officially," Elliot nods. He rolls over, hovering above me. He kisses the tip of my nose, my cheeks, and my neck. I look up at him and hold his face in my hands.

My heartbeat slows, my chest threatening to collapse in on itself. I thought this would feel different. That this news would make me feel content, like maybe everything could fall back into place. 

But can it really?

He searches my eyes and his face falls.

"What is it? What's wrong?" He drops down beside me, propping himself up on his elbow, holding his head in his hand.

I sit up, leaning against the headboard and pulling the sheet up to my chest. I brush my fingers through my hair and bite my lip.

"You're divorced," I say quietly, processing the news.

"Yes," Elliot says slowly.

"I–I thought hearing that would make me feel... Differently than I do now," I say, looking away from him.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

I sigh and rub my hands against my face. My chest hurts and I feel sick to my stomach.

"I thought that knowing that you were finally, officially divorced, that maybe I'd be ready to try again," I explain to him. "But, that fact hasn't changed anything for me, Elliot."

"Well, I wouldn't expect us to just pick up where we left off. I want you to be able to trust me again, Kristine. And I'll do everything I can to show you that."

"That's the thing, Elliot, I don't think I can trust you again, at least not now, not anytime soon. I love you so much more than I can put to words, but..."

"You don't want to be with me,." Elliot says sadly.

"I can't be with you right now. It's not the time for us. So much has happened, everything's changed."

"And we've gotten through it,." Elliot protests. "We've made it work, Kristine."

"But it won't work. And deep down, you know that." I take Elliot's hand, squeezing it tight. "It's not the same."

He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses it softly.

"On top of all of that, three months ago I nearly died. You still look at me like I could drop dead at any minute, you've been looking at me that way since you showed up at my door. I can't have our relationship consist of tip-toeing around that. I can't have you looking at me like I'm fragile and broken."

Elliot sits there silently, processing my words.

"I love you so much, Elliot, that it physically pains me to not be with you every hour of every day. I love who I've become with you; I'm a better version of myself. After nearly being destroyed by my relationship with Alex you put all of my pieces back together. You made me recognize that I was and have always been worthy of love. You healed those tears within me, made me feel whole again. And then you tore me to pieces, whether you meant it or not, you did that. You caused me to fall apart all over again."

"I'm so sorry."

"Please, stop apologizing," I beg. "I don't need to hear that you're sorry because I know that you are. I need to hear that you understand why I'm saying all of this to you, why we can't go back to how things were right now."

"I understand and I will respect that, Kristine. I know that what I've done, keeping what I did from you, is unforgivable. And it makes me sick every time I think about how badly I hurt you when I swore that I never would."

I nod and look down at our hands, still grasping tightly to each other. I don't want to let him go. I want to hold him and love him and never be apart from him ever again. But I know that's not our current reality.

"Maybe, somehow, someway we will find our way back to each other. But now is not our time," I tell him.

"So... what does this mean?" he asks.

"It means..." I inhale deeply. "It means that this is goodbye, Elliot."

Tears stream down my cheeks, dripping onto the sheet. Elliot sits up and holds my face, resting his forehead against mine. He brushes my tears away with his thumbs.

"I'm so sorry," I cry.

"I am too," Elliot sighs. He kisses me softly, lingering for a moment before he pulls away from me. He slides out of bed and begins collecting his clothes.

"No, wait," I say, reaching for him. "Hold me, one more time before you go."

Elliot smiles sadly and nods, returning to bed. He takes me into his arms and I lay my head down on his chest. My breathing falls into sync with his and I'm soothed by the beating of his heart. He trails his fingers up and down my back, resting his chin on top of my head. We lay there in silence, soaking up what little time left we have left together.

I love you Elliot Andrews. And I don't think I'll ever stop.