Two Broken Sunshines (KiriDeku story)

What is this relationship?

A/U: This chapter contains self-harm/starvation/suicidal thoughts/flashbacks of rape⚠

>Izuku's POV< 

I wake up in my... well technically our bed, feeling nothing but cold...it was 9 am as I look around alone in a king-size bed seeing the usual note either saying "I will be back and make it up to you in dinner" or "Sorry Deku I had a meeting"... I felt numb. Kacchan and I had been together for almost 5 years since we got out of high school, this year his hero agency had been busier and busier so we rarely see each other, but I accept it since I had a feeling it would happen. I didn't mind it but to be honest... I was soon not feeling myself anymore, every day the same... Wake up- Numb, shower- Numb, work- Numb, go back- Numb, spend time alone together- A bit happy then sleep- Numb. That's it and even so, I barely eat anything since I just don't feel hungry at all... not that he has noticed that I have lost more weight at all but also he stopped... being caring at all. No more random cuddling sessions, no tiny surprises, no more waking up next to each other and talk about our marrying plans for the future... It's quite funny I am thinking of that since I know Kacchan won't propose yet, he set that clear before when we talk about boundaries. We also never had sex before, sure there were heated kissing sessions but that's basically it. He gets frustrated that I don't want to but I have many reasons why I don't feel correct or ready for it. Since middle school, I felt so weak and wanted to be strong, all those years of bullying and death threats had to image me as one thing:

I am worthless... just a worthless boy who needs to earn the love of his boyfriend... a boy who doesn't even deserve it, a weak boy with no purpose... I deserved this pain and more... I loved kacchan truly with all my heart but still I am holding him back... I am nothing but a problem to him... 

Before I knew it I reach for my back grabbing my old blade, slowly making my way to the bathroom and the sink... I search up for a clean spot on my left arm since my right arm is almost full... just some cuts... some blood... something to feel...

After a while, I saw 6 new cuts... How pathetic I am... quickly cleaning them and putting some bandages on them then my long shirt as well... I just wished I was dead so I could probably feel something more

"Go Take a Swan Dive off the Roof of the Building"  My thoughts told me... Remembering all of the bullying back in middle school

No... he apologized for it... he loves me as well. I wish he were here with me so I would stop these things. I went to the couch crying as I felt like I needed to, It's been a long time since I cried this hard.

"Deku..." I heard someone say, I flinches as I turn around seeing my boyfriend giving me a concerned look holding some white roses that he gently place in the table.

"K-kacchan?! Weren't you supposed to be at work?!?!" I tried to ask calmly but it came out more like a yell, He slowly made his way to me making me get up slowly backing up cleaning my face.

"Dont change the subject... I took the day off to spend time with you since we been distant but first tell me what the fuck made you cry or who... I want to help you please Izuku" He quickly grabbed me and hugged me as I try to stay strong, I didn't wanted to see how pathetic and weak I am... It make me feel more intrigigued when he used my real name.

"Kacchan I am fine." I say with a calm voice but if you listen closely you can detect the strings of pain and hurting, I was shaking and trying to look away from his eyes cleaning my face.

"BULLSHIT!" He yell as I cover my ears getting out of his grip falling to my knees as I hugged myself, I was now scared that he saw me this weak... this pathetic... "Tell me whats wrong Izuku!" He pulled me up by my wrist and arm making me scream in pain, he was astunnish by my scream...He knew. He quickly pulled my sleeves up seeing the now bloody bandages and his hand with some of the blood... He didn't say a word but pick me up going to our room, grabbing the first aid kit cleaning my wounds as I cry silently. 

"Those thoughts again?... its okay izuku don't worry- I am here" He asked me soflty as he bandage me up sitting next to me, I didn't protested and just looked down, the silence was too loud as he sigh worried and pulled me to a hug. 

He has pity on you

He is too good for you, Too good

What have I done? I make him worry so much... 

He would be better without me

Appearantly I was muttering once again with my thoughts out loud, he hugged me tighter and felt my tiny body, even I just realized now how skinny I got, He cried... Wait Kacchan cried?.. Now I am not able to forgive myself... Its my fault he is crying.

"Zu... Whats wrong?" He used it... that technique that makes me break down in pieces, that Name he make when I first told him about this... 

I broke down in tears and cry in his chest as I started sobbing somewhat talking.

"I- I am sorry!!- I am sorry! I am sorry you have to worry of your stupid boyfriend who doesn't even have a normal midset! I am so so sorry for being this weak! I don't deserve you at all! you deserve better! someone who can be here and give you good food and a family! Someone who looks at the mirror and doesn't hate the look they got back! Someone who is enough to protect himself and actually fight back!" I kept yelling since I needed to say it... It was too much to me, I needed to clear my mind. "A boy who doesn't see a knife and think 'I should finish myself!' or 'you know you want to do it' but simply cant! I make you worry about me when you should not! a clean boy who couldn't fight back that night! I love you kacchan and I just want the best for you! please don't be mad! Hit me if you want to! I deserve it!" He slowly cupped my face, He was tearing up as he looked at my eyes.

"Everything you say... its a lie" I widen my eyes as I back away sightly. "I don't care for any of those things... I don't need any other shit person- just you dumbass... Stop thinking about those things okay? I feel bad that I cant stay here all the fucking time taking care of you, I-... I am sorry Izuku that you think those things... I know I cant stop them but I will help you fight them.. You are one of the strongest people I know and I love you more than anything... You havent done anything to be sorry so quit saying it!" He said as I listen to him closely. He gently pick me up walking to out bed as he lay down next to me hugging me. I somehow stopped crying and felt more safe in his arms. I felt bad inside has he feel my body in his embrace, I felt disgusting and used and worthless... I was too skinny.... bleeding and shaking as he notices, I got flashbacks from those nights when I was younger but I eventually fall sleep in his arms... I felt finally calm. for once I felt loved in this year.

But yet I am sorry...