tolerate it

i

BEFORE THE ALARM could beep, Ryan sits up from the bed and shuts it off. He looks down at the empty spot beside him and tries to shake off his rising panic.

He sighs heavily. She meant it, then. He thinks. He shakes his head and rubs his face as he sorts through his memories of recent events and tries to make sense of how things got this bad. Where has  the love gone? How do couples in love go from cuddling every single night to not even able to share the same bloody bed?

Has things changed for him? Is Daisy not enough for him anymore? Or is he not enough for his wife? He couldn't think because it hurt his heart and his head. It didn't make sense. It still doesn't. He loves Daisy. He really truly does.

He has ever since he grew the balls to ask her out for their first date. He still remembers that day as if it was yesterday. He remembers thinking she was the most beautiful woman in existence, he remembers pulling out her chair and then them making fun of the weirdly named rich people food and he remembers the laughs they shared, the intense eye contacts, the lingering touches, the shy smiles and the promise of a next date.

Has Daisy stopped loving him? The thought is painful enough to make him blanch. He couldn't imagine a universe where they aren't together; there is no Ryan without Daisy and there is no Daisy without Ryan.

Love is a tricky sadistic thing. It's a game of sorts. If you play it, you have to be in it to win it or there is no chance you'd survive it.

Loving Daisy for Ryan is pain and pleasure in equal measure and he loves that feeling; he craves it actually but he isn't quite sure how Daisy views them. She used to say that they were a perfect summer sunset — warm, beautiful, peaceful, safe and loving. Is that still true for her? Are we still a sunset? Or have we turned into a an ugly storm that has no ending?

Ryan has no answers and he doesn't think he's brave enough to go and look for them.

~

When he is dressed and ready for work, he leaves his room and finds Daisy sitting at the dining room for breakfast.

"Good morning." Ryan greets after clearing his throat. He takes a seat across his wife and fills up his plate. He could feel Daisy's eyes burning through him. He wonders if she wants him to ask why did she not sleep with him, he wonders if there was any point to the discussion, and then he wonders if they talk about it and he loses her — is that truly worth it? Ryan decides he could live with not sleeping beside her every day but he couldn't live without her in his life.

"How did you sleep?" Daisy asks with an unreadable expression. He purses his lips and he feels like he's in uncharted territory. It's like encountering a wild rabbit and Ryan is scared that he would chase it away.

He meets her gaze and says, "It could have been better, yours?" Her expression stutters and she looks down at her food as she remains silent and Ryan after a moment, does the same.

He isn't quite sure as to why he asked the question; did he truly think he might have gotten an answer that would give him a glimpse on Daisy's feelings? He almost laughed out load at the thought. He couldn't even remember the last time he had a meaningful conversation with her.

He looks at the person he used to call the love of his life, his best friend and wonders when did all of that changed to the extent that he could only find a stranger before him?

"I've got work." Ryan declares before leaving stepping away from his half-eaten food and walks out of the dreary house.

As soon as he reaches his office he's greeted by his personal assistant with an easy smile. "You have a busy day today. I've already emailed you your schedule." She informs him as she hands him his morning coffee. His hand touches hers briefly and he felt her warmth and softness of her beautiful bronze skin and quickly pulls back with the drink. "Thank you, Emily; you're an Angel."

She winks as a mischievous glint plays in her brown eyes, and with a grin says, "What would you do without me?"

Ryan returns her grin and says, "Hopefully I'd never have to find out."

This makes her snort in amusement, causing Ryan to chuckle. He likes how she never shies away from showing her feelings — it was so refreshing for him that he couldn't help but feel... free.

He sits down on his chair at his desk while Emily steps out. He never thought too much into his flirtatious banter with his assistant as they both never crossed any lines that could jeopardise their jobs.

And, his marriage.

He wonders for a brief second what would happen if he forgets about the ring on his finger? Forgets about the vows he took before the eyes of the God and hundreds of others? The thought alone shrivels his still heart and he knows he can't give up yet. Not without trying his best. Not without talking with Daisy about how things have been lately.

Cheating? Having an affair? How could he do that? How could he even consider even for a moment? He might be stuck in a limbo, begging for an escape but he wasn't a pathetic coward.

Ryan's face hardens, his fingers curl into a tight fist before he turns to his work and forces the treacherous thoughts out of his mind.

~

When he returns home, he's greeted by silence. He calls out, "Daisy?" No reply. He sighs heavily as he heads into the kitchen and heats up leftovers for himself.

He has always known she steps out of the house when he isn't home and that is obviously alright with him but he never asks her about her whereabouts and she never tells him, either. He figures that one day she might tell him and perhaps even bring him along but that day has yet to come to pass.

As he eats his reheated chicken and beans, he stares longly at the empty seat across from him for a long time and wonders, has she eaten yet?