It was late at night. Most of the recruits had gone to sleep.
It was also the only time that the trainers had, only for themselves. No recruits, no seniors, no juniors. The time when they could truly face themselves, for everything that they did in front of the recruits was just a facade.
Sanjana sat at the only spot where she knew no one would disturb her at this hour, facing her thoughts after a long time. Karan Sirji and Faizi sirji always told her that she was the strongest, toughest amongst them. Right now, she felt like the opposite. She never believed them anyway.
She could have talked to Karan Sirji, but she knew he wouldn't understand. He couldn't.
She sat, staring at the moon. Thinking about everything that had happened lately. All the questions that she had. It was slowly suffocating her. Everyone telling her what's right for her, her father taking Kundanji's side; she couldn't even get started on him. Talk to Kundanji, meet kundanji, take some time out for him....how the hell was she-- just...agree with his views on everything, trying to impress him...it felt like losing sense of herself as a person. She had agreed to get engaged to him, but she now, she had no idea what did she wanted after that. She knew what they wanted, atleast.
And then there were Faizi and Monami, telling her to give a chance to that Siddhart. Even if she did, would she ever be truly able to love him? After all that he had done? They said he truly lover her, but so what!? Was that supposed to fray her? To make her somehow return that love? And even if she were falling for him, she couldn't. She was her last priority. She had already caused enough trouble- she was the one karan Sirji locked Siddhart up for, she was the reason for the suspension of her greatest support. Even when the enquiry proceeded, she could do nothing to try and save him.
All that she did was end everything with that Siddhart. What else was the supposed to do? Fall for the person who was the reason for Karan sirji's loss of spirit, his uniform...and disappoint him, the last person that she ever dreamt of disappointing? To just simply break off her engagement with Kundanji and disappoint her family, who were already not too proud of her...or disappoint herself?
"Talk to Kundanji, hes a good person, dont disappoint me"
"What if his love for you is genuine?"
"You just got engaged, and you're already leaving!?"
"You can handle anything Sanju."
All words felt meaningless. Everyone knew what was the best for her, except her apparently. No matter how much she tried to believe that she could do this, give herself up for other and just keep living her life for others, she couldn't. It felt selfish, against everything that she was supposed to do. It felt like if she didn't sacrifice herself each day, she would lose the love of everyone around her. It was crushing her, bearing the burden of her life. But she couldn't let her tears slip. She wouldn't. Everyone was telling her what to do.
No one asking what she wanted to do...or if she was okay doing that.
Or if she was okay.
No matter how much her mind begged for direction.
How hard her mind screamed inside, it felt like she was underwater. Suffocating, soundless.
~~~~~~
A/N: sorry if I made you drink a cup of depresso, but this is just me trying to be in Sanju's position, creating scenarios at 1am. I personally love her character, I kinda connect to her because the position portrayed- being forced to marry due to family pressure, I've seen that run with many people I know. Hope you liked it(dont worry if you didnt, I'm not going to kill you.)
Also if you want me to do more such one shots, comment section is at your feet.
