Guilty

Growing up I would look at my thick hair and get frustrated with how hard it is to handle. I would google pictures of my hair and would mostly find white females with long silky blonde hair with blue eyes and would instantly get insecure. I would go infront of the mirror looking at my eyes and realise that I was different. I observed my hair, nails, eyes, skin and body. I would again google pictures of a perfect woman and then look at myself in the mirror and compare myself.

I would look at my eyes and say "wow I have pretty eyes but they are not blue", I would look at my hair and say "not long,blonde and silky but short, dark and hard" I would look at my nails and say "pretty but not pretty enough" I would look at my skin and body and say "your not slim rather fat like a pig and that makes you ugly, you are not even tall you are short which makes you look like a clown".

Ofcourse I became insecure and kept it to my self. Then I decided if I couldn't look perfect maybe I can act like I am perfect. In cartoons the ladies would sit straight, be polite, speak properly and be the best version of you to prove to the world that you are a woman. Then I saw the word sexuality on google...

I googled sexuality of a woman and then I realised I would have to date a boy give them something in return if i wanted their love...

It went like this for years until I got to high school and my teacher called me.
Teacher: hey, can you meet me at xxxxxxx coffee shop after school I need to talk to you.

I nodded and did as she said. After school I proceeded to the coffee shop and sat at the table with her.
We ordered coffee and she said something that got me confused.

Teacher: do you think you are beautiful?

Me: well I'm not like that girl ( pointed to the magazine on the table) so no

Teacher: well let me tell you a little secret. Being a girl means everyone is going to criticize you based on what you wear, what you say, what you do, everything.
But don't let that get to you not because you have a dark skin tone doesn't mean you aren't beautiful.
Girls your age sometime look at you and wished they look like you you want to be slim and light skinned with blue eyes and a tiny waist and long silky hair, but girls with that wished they were thick and dark skinned with brown eyes and a not so slim waist and 4c hair just like you.
How can you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself?

I listened to every word she said carefully and tears streamed down my face. I looked at her and smiled and said that you for making my realise that I was guilty of not loving myself. From now on I am Black and Proud.