I often think about what's that is after life, and the answer is never the same. sometimes it's being an angel and help others, and other times it's just being on the site line. All I want is just being healthy, i got cancer and i hate it. I'm. Not bolted or anything, it's because I don't take my medicine anymore. I secretly don't think it works.
"Stella" it's my annoying mom that calls. She thinks I can't do anything by my self, just because I have cancer.
I walk down the stairs and into the kitchen, my mom made pancakes. my favorite. "happy birthday" she says.
"Thanks" I say it like I care, but I don't. it just doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I just eat 2 or 3 pancakes before I leave the table. it's much harder to go up the stairs then down. Im one step from retching the top. I'm a little dizzy, and suddenly I'm laying down in the bottom of the stairs and can't move. My body is to heavy. I'm trying, but I just can't get up. The next thing I know is I'm flying in a big hole of colors not rainbow colors, but colors like orange, red, yellow and purple. I'm happy. I'm flying but I can't move. Not even my eyeballs.
I'm forced to look straight ahead. but I can sense it all, every little detail. the hole is taking a turn, I can se an end. the light, it's all I can see. but then, it's all white. It begins to sharpen. am at the hospital. how did I come here. I was dead, or at least I thought I was. I can still not move but I can hear everything.
There is another person in the room. I can hear the breathing, its heavy. I realize that the person with me in the room is myself. I can hear my own breath, but it doesn't feel like I'm breathing.
I'm scared. why can't I move. I'm trying to look around, but I can only se a little bit more.
Im not religious or something, but right now I wanna pray. So I start "dear god, please help me I don't fear dying, I only fear pain. I will do everything for you, if you gave me another chance. I'll even pray ones in a while. dearest Stella Jensen." I don't know how to pray, but I think I did all right.
The door opened I can hear steps, they are slow. Someone is leaning over me, it's a nurse. "Stella, Stella" i can't respond he. I'm blinking as fast as I can To make some kind of communication. she says something again "Stella can you heard me?" I blink four times as fast as I can. It's like she doesn't notice my soundless call for help. She goes out of the little room again. That was it, there is no help to get now. I'm on my own.
I try to fall asleep, with no luck. I wish this is just a dream. that I could wake up and every thing is okay again. but I'm trapped inside of this stupid nightmare.
