This Love, This Hate

Chapter 1

I pulled up to the darkened house about half past 2, parking my bike in the garage and heading inside as quietly as I could. I knew my bike was loud, but hopefully not loud enough to wake her; I really hoped my Ol' Lady was asleep by now. I'd hung around the club for a few more hours than normal; to scrub off the smell of that Crow from earlier, as well as to stall, hoping my girl went to bed early.

Coming into the kitchen, I hung my kutte up at the door and I scratched behind Cross' ear, from where he'd been sitting in the kitchen, waiting for me. I felt guilt bubble up inside me again–not a new sensation as of late–at treating my dog like shit too.

"Where's your momma, boy? She asleep?" I asked him, petting him a little more. Crossbones laid his paws over his nose, hiding his eyes from me. I sighed in defeat, "Yea...had that feeling, bud."

I found her upstairs, the only light coming from the bathroom as she sat on the bed, wringing her hair dry with a towel.

She pretended not to have noticed me, but after a while, I couldn't take the silence. She was never silent...

"Thought you'd be in bed already. Hope I didn't wake you."

"Didn't think you'd be home tonight. I felt like taking a long bath and figured you'd crash at the clubhouse, so it wouldn't matter how late I stayed up." She responded, still not looking at me. I was hoping to avoid a fight, but her attitude had my hackles rising.

"It's my fucking home too, ya know?!" I growled, kicking the door shut and ripping my shirt off angrily, throwing it towards the hamper.

"That argument would hold some weight if you treated it like your home, Lowman," she hissed. "Or me like your fucking wife."

"The fuck are you talkin' about, woman?"

"Jesus fuck, Hap! You haven't been home in four fucking days! I can only guess you aren't dead or in the joint again, since I haven't gotten a call from anyone! For fuck's sake! The only reason I knew you went on a fucking run two days ago, was because Gemma called me and asked what time I was planning on showing up to greet you!" She yelled, standing up and throwing the towel at the hamper harshly. "You aren't treating this like your home, and you sure as hell aren't treating me as your wife! You're treating me like I'm just your Ol' Lady!"

"The fuck difference is that?!" I yelled, throwing my phone on the bed along with my knife.

"The difference?! The difference is that I cook for you, I keep your house clean, I provide your fucking alibi when you need it! But that's just being an Old Lady, isn't it?! But a wife?! Usually they hope to see their husbands a few hours a damn day–crazy, right? I'm just hoping you come home at all, let alone in one fucking piece!"

"You fucking knew who I was before all this," I snapped, opening my arms wide. "Well, girl, this is what I am. I thought you accepted that!"

"I accepted it when you were coming home to me at night!" She cried out, tears welling up in her eyes before rolling down her pretty cheeks.

"I gave you everything, Happy! I'm still giving you everything! And for what?!" She spun around and picked up the photo on her bedside table, hurling it across the room and shattering against the wall next to the door.

I was a bit stunned, she'd never gotten so upset to destroy things, never in the whole time I'd known her. Her shaking hand covered her mouth and she stumbled into the wall next to the bathroom at her side, sliding down it as she stared at what she'd done. She seemed to deflate right before my very eyes. Shoulders slumped, she leaned her head onto the wall and wiped her tears away, continuing in a shaky voice.

"I'm devoted to you, I'm loyal, and I'm faithful, to you. I keep your secrets, and your club's; I help whenever they need me to–when you need me to. And for what, Hap? As soon as we have the smallest argument, or as soon as you're away from me, you're crawling between some other bitch's thighs. You get to check out of our marriage whenever it suits you, and you leave me here wondering if you're even going to make it home, let alone if you're gonna smell like some slag."

"So what," I growled, bawling my hands up to stop them from shaking in fear and anger, "You gonna leave me now?"

"Ha!" she laughed, humorlessly, staring at the broken frame, "Like that's even an option... What would I even do? Walk around with a target on my back for the rest of my life? And that's even if I could walk away. All or nothing, remember? Too bad I was never a meek little tart who wanted to settle for half of you. It's safer here than anywhere else..."

"I would never let anyone hurt you, especially not my brothers," I said, offended she'd ever think otherwise.

"No," she sighed, closing her eyes, "You've done that enough. And, the truth is? I keep letting you... I–Even if I could leave all of this behind, I–I still love you too fucking much to just walk away and let it all be a shitty, bitter-sweet memory."

"You knew the life before you ever agreed to marry me." I rasped, all of the fight draining out of me.

"Thing is, Hap–you promised me a different life before you even asked..."

Her voice cracked at the end, fresh tears streaking down her face. She still wasn't lookin' at me, but I saw her lip begin to quiver before she bit it. She drew her knees up and hid her face in her arms as they cradled her head, just so I wouldn't see.

"I'll stay at the club. Call me if you need somethin'," I said, rubbing a hand over my neck awkwardly. Her body started to shake, soft sobs faintly echoing through the room. I grabbed my phone and knife again and headed to the door, grabing a shirt on the way. I hesitated right before opening it... I looked back at her, so vulnerable and broken, and wanted so badly to say something. Anything. But I just shook my head and walked out, knowing I would only make it so much worse for her.

After getting on my bike, I scrubbed my hands over my face, surprised when they came away wet...