I know you've got me (boyfriends)

Dysphoria sucks ass

Tw: panic attack
Tw: cursing
Tw: dysphoria

Goth looked over at the clock. 1 am. Not too bad, but not great considering it was the end of the year. Now, he actually had to go to class on time or early to do the tests. He sighed and stared at the ceiling. Nights like these, prep usually came and helped him go to sleep or, depending on how the night went, helped him out of a panic attack.

But, of course, tonight prep wasn't an option. I mean, he was, but he was busy cramming for finals with jock. That left one boyfriend, who he assumed was sleeping peacefully or studying. He didn't get it. Yeah they were a big deal but finals weren't THAT hard.

He started down the rabbit hole of thinking about them and then thinking about him and prep over the years and finally his thoughts were back where they were every night at 1 am: his body. He hadn't been too dysphoric over the past few months, especially since he got top surgery. But recently it consumed his brain like the plague.

His own mind was attacking him left and right. Your face is too feminine. Dress like a normal guy, idiot. Why do you have to be a freak. Even though it was a mental fight, he was out of breath, and getting worse fast.

His breathing was uneven and shallow, his hands were pulling his hair, his eyes were squeezed shut, and was not very happy that he decided to just wear a tank top and boxers for bed because everything just felt so wrong.

He was so deep in his thoughts and panic, he didn't see the pastel haired love of his life, wearing a pastel anime onesie. Nerd rushed over and spoke softly, trying not to startle him more.

"Hi babe, it's me. Can you hear me?"

No response. Shit.

He gently touched his hand, and goth nearly jumped out of his skin. He calmed when he registered who was there, and even started breathing better than before. Nerd helped him slowly, telling him words of encouragement and trying to ground him.

Nerds never dealt with a panic attack before, but he knows from prep that you have to keep talking to goth or he starts thinking about bad things again and it takes at least ten extra minutes. He also knew that no matter what he said, he would get no vocal response. Goth didn't like his voice, and when he was upset it was hard to speak anyway, so combine the two and you can see why it was a one sided conversation.

They stayed like that for a while, maybe 30 minutes. It was filled with back rubs and reassurances and a few light kisses.

Goths breathing was ok now, but he was sniffing. That turned into crying, which turned into shaky sobs. Fuck, he didn't want his boyfriend to see him like this. He wished he was normal, instead of a freak show.

"Hey, stop that, you are normal."

Ah. Guess he said that out loud. Oops.

"Your brain is a butt, but there are so many people who feel like this. You're not alone, and you're certainly not a freak show. You're just like any other guy with emotions, and if someone says otherwise i will snap their spine in half."

Goth chuckled quietly.

"You were too scared to tell the Wendy's employee that you had the complete wrong order."

"That's different!" The freshman whined.

"You ordered a frosty and she give you chicken nuggets and fries."

"... they were yummy though."

"Jock had to get you a new frosty from a different Wendy's because you were so distraught about it."

"THE POINT IS I'm sticking up for you no matter what."

"Thanks baby."

Nerd didn't mind that his boyfriend was making fun of his little problem earlier in the week. He was just glad he was ok.

"Are you ok if I go get you water?"

"Probably, but be fast please."

Nerd was gone for about 3 seconds and was back with water.

"How the fuck..."

"Don't underestimate me mortal."

Nerd went to the group text and told prep and jock to get their butts over there. They arrived in about two minutes and the four of them fell asleep cuddling.