Hardfellas

For Grace,

Happy Birthday

Love,

Alyssa

New York City, Spring 1989

Robert De Niro's POV

I finish wrapping my scene and walk off set. I take a deep breath of the exhaust-filled air. A scent that feels like home. Home is supposed to be your safe place, and for the last few months of shooting I've been questioning what that means. Is safety knowing you won't be judged for who you are? Or is it being already accepted without knowing who you are?

I make my way towards the place I've wandered too many times to. The place I feel the safest, yet the most vulnerable. I struggle to decipher my intentions, which are clouded by my desires. I reach three steps that lead to a white metal door. I look at the yellow laminated star on it and read the name that's been flooding my mind for the last few months.

Joe Pesci.

We first worked together nine years ago on Raging Bull. I was married to Diahnne at the time and was so focused on her, that nothing came of our time together other than friendship. Now things are different. I am freshly divorced from her as of last year, and around the same time, Joe did the exact opposite. He married Claudia.

Now, on the last day of shooting Goodfellas, I don't know if I'm entering this trailer of desire with hopes of feeling his touch and hearing his sweet words again, or if I'm coming over to say goodbye. Maybe both.

I'm just scared I won't have the balls to do either. All I keep thinking is "What would my ma think? What would my neighbors think? What would Jimmy who makes my meatball heroes at the Italian place around the block think?" I've been so caught up in this bubble of love and lust these last few months that I haven't been thinking about the outside world much. Now reality is starting to hit. But I can't keep thinking about other people. The only person I need to think about right now is me. Yet my mind always leads me back to him.

I finally grow a pair and knock on the door. Three hard knocks. I wait with my hands in my pockets and cautiously look around at my surroundings.

He opens the door.

He flashes me that bright smile that the public rarely sees. He's always playing these tough guys, and then again so am I... but in reality he's just a softy. Well only at heart, not in his pants.

"Hey, I wasn't sure if you'd come." he smiles.

"I don't hesitate when it comes to you." I lie.

"Well come in, quickly! Before someone sees or hears something they're not supposed to!" he warns.

I step in and take in my familiar surroundings for the last time. I recount all of the memories we've had in here before I work up the courage to say something. Anything. Even if I don't know what exactly that is.

We both stand awkwardly on opposite sides of the trailer.

"I think this picture is really gonna be a success ya know? I could see us pickin' up a couple ah gold statues for it." I say dancing around the point.

"Yeah it definitely is something and I've loved shooting it but uh..." he trails off.

"But what? Say it." I command.

"I just think... well I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks. I don't think I'dve been as confident in my performance if it wasn't for you. You've made me tap into emotions I didn't even know I could have..." he says earnestly but with reservations.