Two Espressos

The beginning of an ending

The sun hits the balcony, showing up the tiny cracks in the marble. Even the most expensive building materials deteriorate with time. The human body is no exception. I stand on the balcony and let the sun warm my skin. I see the people below go about their day, the children running with gay abandon, the teenagers dressed in black, vaping and laughing awkwardly. Young lovers entwined on the beach, lost in each other. Time standing still. Ahhh, to be young again.

The sound of a garbage truck emptying the bins gives me a jolt. I notice a sun spot on my arm. Must be time to book an appointment again. Liposuction, botox, implants - so far money well-spent. No-one would guess I'm 59. I would love another chance at life. Life isn't a movie though, there is no uno reverse card. You have to live with your choices no matter how much you regret them .

I lean back and take a puff of my cigarette. The cigarette burns slowly, I watch the ash fall to the street below before walking back into my room. The smell of sex is in the air. I look at the shirtless chiselled twenty three year old asleep in my bed. He's younger than my second son. Youth is fleeting. I will keep him for while. For now, he suits my purposes and I suit his. He can live comfortably with me and want for nothing. Dress well, perhaps get a step up in his career in one of my companies. Young men are disposable goods. All men will eventually reach a point where they start to go grey and lose their hair, grow hair in unfathomable places and lines around their eyes. When his looks begin to fade I will replace him with another. A younger one. A new Adonis. My elixir of youth. I've learnt no matter what you love, it will eventually fade or go away. I take one last look at my twenty three year old, put my mask on and walk to my local cafe.

The scent of spring is in the air. I breathe in deeply. Jasmine growing along the fences, freshly cut grass, I taste ocean salt on my lips. Bondi is full of young hipsters with bright tight clothes showing off their young skin and bodies. The waitress at the cafe brings my Espresso without me even having to order it. It gives me a bitter kick for the start of the day.

Being grateful for what you have is something you hear at a very young age. When you are young you don't really think much of it. All around the world, there are people who don't have food, clean water or a place to call home. Even though you know you are better off than others, you still take things for granted. I was born into a wealthy family. I've never had problems with money, but I had a lonely childhood though. As an only child, my parents spent most of their time away from home, working. I had many nannies look after me, never for more than two or three years at a time. I went to an elite private school, I did law at Sydney University, just as my parents expected me to. I went on to work in my father's law firm, before getting married to an equally successful wealthy lawyer my parents approved of. We had three children and we were happy in our early years but then my husband developed a penchant for younger women. He had a child with his secretary a month before our youngest son was born. Our divorce was long, drawn out and messy. I won our properties but my husband eventually won custody of our three children. The youngest got into drugs and committed suicide when he was 17. The others have all grown up and left home now with successful careers of their own. I rarely hear from them. I have not met my grandchildren. There is nothing wrong with being alone. There is always a point in time where you feel alone with no one to turn to. To tell you the truth, I no longer remember the feeling of love and happiness. The waitress brings me another Espresso, flashing me a quick smile before rushing off to serve the next customer. Her smile warms me like my coffee.

Youth and beauty is revered in our society. As you grow older it's only natural to get wrinkles. They reflect the kind person you are. Wrinkles that fold when you smile, frown lines caused by squinting in the sun or too many bad moods. As you age, wrinkles are inevitable. Even if you are expressionless you will still develop wrinkles at some point. It is a natural sign of ageing. I am fortunate I have the means to create and maintain the woman I am now. My body is a reflection of my wealth. I value my face just as I do my collectable Chanel Diamond Forever handbag. Now I show no signs of ageing and have all the desired curves. I have spent millions to be beautiful. First I tried to look just like my husband's young secretary but that was an impossible goal. I have gotten to the point where I have no feeling at all in my face. I only feel numb. My breasts feel numb, my lips feel numb, my face feels numb. Too much surgery, botox and fillers have meant I have even lost the pleasure of human touch. When I smile I only smile with my mouth there is no sign of happiness in my eyes. My heart is numb.

I place a fifty dollar bill on the counter and tell the waitress to keep the change. As I leave the bell tinkles as the door closes behind me.

This is my daily routine. I repeat it over and over again, everyday. Life is constantly changing but at the same time it feels strangely the same. Life goes on like the ticking of the clock but one day it will stop. Death and old age are inevitable. The earth will keep spinning, the sun will keep shining but night will always come. I take a deep breath and open my front door.

"Hello darling".