Every Guy I Fell In-Love With

Daniel.

Sad.

Three months out of a relationship and sad. 

Three more months come after, and what follows is the ending of a friends with benefits partnership. Also sad. One that I really enjoyed. I liked the company, and the freedom he allowed me. The space he gave me to try to sort my life out, and all of the things a recent college graduate has to worry about getting right -- self-sufficiency.  

I liked our routine. Albeit recently long distance. Seeing him occasionally still gave me butterflies. And I was ending it, because my ex wanted me back.

Six years is a long time. Longer than three months. Harder to say goodbye to. But there was something in me that just had to try it again. To see what could be.

"In the end, you have three decisions. You could choose him, you could choose me, or  you could choose yourself. The middle ground." Daniel goes on to say. I'm sitting in his car, plastic bags filled with my things at my feet. This is a very sad moment. Breaking up with someone you never actually dated. A breaking off-- to the friends with benefits. To whom with each other you may or may never speak again.

Big stuff.

And here he is, giving me his careful opinions. Trying not to stray me into one direction or the other. He has a very "life will go on," attitude. Not snarky, but a "I want people in my life to choose me, and if they choose to leave, who am I to stop them? Really?"

I appreciate him trying his best to keep all of the hurt at bay. Appreciate him trying his best to leave things on good terms, to help, even for the last few moments. Even now, he's still holding my hand tightly, letting me play with his fingers and stroke my thumb over his skin. His other hand firmly grips a cigarette. 

"And if the universe works things out, and you find yourself not with him, and if I'm single -- maybe we can try things again?" He's pushing his hair back out of his face. He had been staring straight ahead, so focused on his thoughts. Suddenly he's glancing over at me. He's honest. 

I tell him I'd be more than glad to. That it was a bit of a silver lining to letting life sort us out. To life letting me make what he considers to be a mistake. He notes that things will be different, if we started seeing each other again. It won't ever be the same as before. 

"I'm not exactly saying I will wait for you either but, that I've enjoyed our time together and could see a future for us. One where you're my girlfriend." That stings just a bit. It stings because I can still see the future for us too.

And it would be a lie to say I didn't still hold feelings for Daniel.

Such a lie. He's the cutest boy. Cute like a little, clumsy, puppy. Features like a cat. The way he grins like a cheshire, his gummy smile and even his angry face are all so attractive. There will always be a soft spot in my heart for him. Despite my better judgement, I want to hold him. 

People always look so sexy when they're saying goodbye for what might be the last time.

It's the sad, angst filled eyes, brooding brow and cute red lips-- bitten red from worry. The moody, dark outfit. The way he's blowing smoke from his mouth because he can't help but take a drag from the tension. This is the last time I get to sit with him in his car like this. I think often during our conversation about kissing him. I can't help it. I hold his hand with both of mine. What would he do if I just...? 

I think about kissing him all over and having him lick me until I scream and shake. I can't shoo this thought away. When he's talking, I stare at his mouth. Look at the small mole by his lips. His facial hair filling out the space along his jaw and around his mouth. What it feels like to have his beard brush against my cheeks and chin in a kiss. What it feels like against my thighs-- 

I lean forward.

"What?" He goes. He doesn't move an inch.

"Can I kiss you?" Please?  Just one kiss. 

He says I can. And I'm eager. So eager to lean over the console and put my hand on his thigh. To feel his black track pants underneath. I think... I almost make a mistake. Daniel must have been expecting a simple peck, and I'm going too far because that first kiss seemed so full of hesitation. 

But he's putting his arms around me. It's more than one kiss. It's several, and I'm being pushed back into my seat by just how strong his kisses are. So firm, like he really wants me. And I tried my best to hold on for what I could. Constantly gripping at his shirt, his arms. Grappling. Not wanting to let him go but feeling like I had to. To figure out what could be with Jasper. 

Daniel's fingers press under my skirt and I whine at his touch, because it makes me ache. I run my hands along his pants. He's hard.

"One last time?" he whispers when he pulls away from me. He has bedroom eyes. Pupils blown. He shakes his head and quirks his eyebrow. Letting me know that he knows this sounds like a silly idea. Is the disbelief aimed at himself? Or at me too?

My heart flips anyway.

"What the fuck.." I say. "Why not?" I'm more than down for one last time to hold him like he's all mine. Not ready to go back to being "just friends."

"Just acquaintances,"

"Just knew each other in college,"

"Went to a Halloween part once,"

"Just sat beside each other in English class."

I run to sign myself out of work. That's right. I'm at WORK. I scribble down that I have a doctor's appointment in the next twenty minutes. That should cover it, right?

We go to that one public parking deck. The one by the dog park. The one we've fucked in before. I have a hard time focusing on the directions. My heart and mind are all over the place. I think about our conversation. How he's so good at communicating. How he looks at me when he has something to say. Whenever he's worried he's being too much. I'm going to miss that.

He parks, and we climb into the back seat. Graceful. This isn't our first car session. We tell ourselves we don't look like ducks, throwing ourselves back here. We're giddy and full of jokes about how we're doing this again. I'm laying down on his leather seats and he's hovering over me, holding me down and kissing me. Laughing occasionally. How silly is this? Too silly, so silly. We're silly gooses. And we like each other.

We like each other SO much that I'm romanticizing raunchy car sex. Break-up sex.

So much that we're willing to pretend like that's not what's going on here.

When I feel him pressed against me, I remind myself there's nothing to break.