It's Somewhere Beneath Us

Happy birthday, Andi

When I woke up that morning, I wasn't surprised to see everyone lying in bed still. They were still there for the same reason that I was. There was only a handful of things to do around the house. One of which was to check the calendar. It was the same routine we had every time we lost someone. Lay in bed and try to forget where we are. See how long we can go without acknowledging the pain. Luckily Grace took one for the team.

"Happy birthday, Andi." She muttered just loud enough for us to all hear.

We all got ready, taking our turns in the shower and brushing our teeth. Soap was reserved for once a week, so most of the time, they just consisted of lukewarm water (cold if you were last). Not that it mattered too much, however. The smell of mildew overpowered everything anyways. Breakfast was quiet as we were all already in a pretty glum mood. Dry, stale cheerios. Then it was business as usual. Mope around the house; try to keep yourself occupied. As I found a corner to sit and ponder in, I understood why Andi had gotten so fed up with this place. It was so repetitive. So hopeless. As I looked out the window of the sunroom, wondering what the bodies were off doing in the daytime, I heard Ethan and Bea enter. I had been so lost in thought I had hardly noticed the monopoly board still lying on the floor.

Though I really didn't feel like talking, I forced myself to. "Dang, still going, huh?"

"Somehow, he still keeps managing to hang on," Bea said in an exasperated tone.

Ethan smiled but didn't say anything as he took a seat. I joined them on the floor. "How are you guys doing?"

"Good." Bea instantly said without looking up from the board. Ethan and gave each other a knowing look.

He sighed. "Good. It's gonna be a long day for sure. But it'll be good."

"Yeah." I nodded. I watched them for a while before standing to head to the corner by the kitchen. It was the one corner no one ever wanted. Especially not on a day like this. Before I left, I bent over and wrapped my arms around Bea from behind. I could feel her stiffness. Her sadness. Her grief. I kissed the back of her head, and she reached a hand up and squeezed my arm. I smiled reassuringly at Ethan, and he smiled back.

I headed through the dining room and nearly tripped over Jan as I rounded the corner. It turned out that she had the same idea as me. She sat with her back to the wall, staring straight at the yellow room door.

"Oh, Jeeze, sorry, Jan."

She looked up to me with a vacant expression, "Oh, that's okay, hun." She went right back to looking at the door.

I stepped around and slid down the wall beside her. "Everything all right?"

"Mhmm."

"Well, considering that's your least favorite place in this house, and you're willingly staring at it, I'm obligated to not believe you."

She sighed and laughed nervously. "Nothing, it's okay. I'm fine."

"Jan..." I prodded. "Talk to me. We're all we've got around here."

She thought for a moment before speaking. "I'm really sorry about Andi, Joel. I know how bad it must hurt."

I swallowed before speaking. "Yeah. Somehow losing people in here hurts more than out there. Must be because we have more to lose."

Jan softly chuckled, "Tell me about it."

There was another pause before I spoke again, "I'm sorry about Mark, too. You shouldn't have to go through this alone."

"Thanks..."

"Is that what's bothering you?"

She nodded, then pursed her lips, "I miss him so much. And I know today is about Andi, but she just got me thinking..."