Plan, Interrupted // t.h.

3: ... A Ferret-Worshipping Cult in Iowa

The wedding would be taking place on July 30th. You had sent out the first ad somewhere at the end of June. The first one, because clearly one did not suffice. You had not received any results from that. The longer it went on, without any results, the more you started to doubt your plan. It was very much possible that this was a sign not to go through with it.

A sign you decided not to listen to. In fact, as the days went by, you felt more and more in need of ruining the damn wedding.

While waiting for a phone call from the ad, all you were getting were messages from your family. It was possible that you, in a slightly drunken state, had sent a not so nice message into the family group chat. After this fiasco, your family felt obligated to get the situation cleaned up.

Not for you, though. No, god no, that would have been ridiculous. Your mother could simply not have her excellent reputation smudged, especially not by her own daughter. So, by making your sister and father spam you with repetitive messages and trying to call you, she really thought she was doing something. If only any of these messages actually included an apology, not just attempts at getting you to be quiet.

y/n don't be so dramatic and just come to lunch with us.

It is really not a big deal; I mean, cousin Fred isn't coming to the ceremony either.

Oh, for god's sake, y/n, get over yourself!

You were particularly fond of that last message, even thinking about putting it as your new alarm sound. You could not put it together that your family was putting you on the same level as crazy cousin Fred, who you had not seen in probably ten years, and the last you heard about him was that he had been stuck in some sanatorium after being rescued from a ferret-worshipping cult in Iowa. But now that you thought about it... the cult didn't sound like a bad idea.

But the days passed, one after the other, and you had received no responses from your ad. Finally, one night, after a long phone call with Rebecca and about half a bottle of Chardonnay, you started to question everything.

"Maybe I deserve it," you had also just ordered yourself some food and were stuffing fries into your mouth as you talked, "Am I that intolerable, Beck?"

"I wouldn't say intolerable, no. But listen," you had the feeling she sat up straight, so you did the same, "Maybe you deserved to get kicked out of the ceremony, I mean you have been acting a bit like a bitch but!" she interrupted herself exactly where you were planning on stopping her. Somehow, her words just didn't feel very supportive at the moment.

"But," she continued, "there is no excuse for them to treat you like complete shit, which is clearly the reason that you have been so upset, and, I'm sorry, but your entire family are morons if they don't see that."

"Thank you," you sniffed, "I needed to hear that."

"You're welcome." What followed was a minute of silence as both of you ate until Rebecca asked her next question, "So have you heard from anyone yet?"

"No," you sighed heavily, "Absolutely nothing."

"I'm sure someone will contact you."

"I highly doubt it; it's been four weeks. The wedding is in three days. If someone calls me now, it would be a-", and at that exact moment, almost as if it was some cosmic joke, you could hear the burner cell phone ring on your kitchen counter. "Are you fucking kidding me?" you mumbled as you got up to check it.

"What? What just happened?"

"I think someone's calling." You said, feeling very detached from everything that was happening.

"Oh my god, oh my god, keep me up, put me on speaker!! Did you answer yet?" Rebecca kept on rambling, making you even more nervous.

"No- wait." Before the person had a chance to hang up, you rushed to answer them; as you said, "Hello?" you put your regular phone down and put your call with Rebecca on speaker so she could hear what you were doing.

"Hey, is this the person that put in the ad about the uhm wedding performer?"

You couldn't help but smile at their choice of words. It was smart, in case he had called the wrong number.

"Yes, this is them."

"Ok, great, I was wondering if the job is still up for grabs?" Now that you had a little bit of time to process what was happening, you couldn't help but think that the voice, the accent, sounded really familiar, but you couldn't seem to place it.

"YES, I mean yes, yes it is. Would you be available in... three days, so next Saturday, that is." You had prepared for this moment, imagined being cool and collected, making sure that the person who you were hiring to do this was not some kind of creep, but yet, here you were, basically begging the guy. He sounded a bit shocked at the sound of the date.

"Oh, that's quick, but yeah, I should be, yeah."

"Great, but uhm, would you be available to meet tomorrow maybe? I kind of have a plan of how I need all this to go, so if we could just go through everything, make sure you know-"

"Yeah, that's totally fine, darling. Just send me a time and address, and I'll be there." He didn't seem too bothered about it. You, however, needed a second to comprehend that little nickname.

"Ok, cool, I'll send you the address later and well, thanks. I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you then," and with him having said that, you hung up and immediately went on to text him when Rebecca erupted from the speaker of your regular phone.

"Honey, what happened to the third degree you wanted to do to him? Calm and collected, remember?"

"I know," you send the text with your address as you spoke to your friend, "but at this point, I'm desperate. This guy might be the only chance I have, so I need to take it but don't worry, I got a plan."

"Just make sure to follow this one through." After this, the two of you talked for a little bit more until you could feel your eyelids get heavy and you fell asleep on your couch.