Oh god dont even get me started... just kidding that why ur here!
Ok so school was a fucking shit experience even when i was in PRIMARY SCHOOL kids are cruel... But hey i did my fair fucked up things but thats another story but not this part. So lets see primary school at the age of like Five i belive year like three sorry very hard to remember what age and year but the truma is so very clear. So even at this small age i was isolated, bullied, alone, and id even go as far to say i think i knew my life was shit from thoes incounters alone and most likley to not be happy in school for the rest of the years to come. And little me was right it never stopped, it got to the point that i was afraid to go to school and thinking back at it now thats hella deppresing no kid should EVER feel afraid to get the education they deserve. And lets remember this (it was only primary school i started to feel like this) so ye shitty experience but it got way worse a thing i can never forget is when everyone in year Six decided it would be fun to tell the kid that had no friends that if u spray ur uniform with deodorant and inhale it, it would make u happy... and if u start coughing alot... its the cost of happiness. Yep that happened and that just made me snap when i got told i COULD DIE FROM IT from the princable, he asked who told me to do it but my class was already enough to deal with i didnt wanna be a snitch and get picked on even more then i already have so i just said "i wasent feeling happy" and u know what he said "just dont do it again" no asking if im ok? No asking if u would like to see the school nurse? No check ups after that incedint? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING so u best belive that my parents let me take some days off school. So when i got back the following days i thought everyone would forget and forgive but nope, rumoured all alround my year group and in the back of my head i just wanted to belive the little voice "it was only a silly prank just get over it and laugh it off" but the larger voice that was new to me kept saying "u should know they want u dead" "they knew it could harm u thats why they asked for u to do it" "they dont care" and u probably already guessed but i pushed the little voice out and let the new voice in. Till this day I regret letting that happen to me but u cant change the pas only look back at it, so ye the new voice won and it was all down hill from there everything that someone was talking to me about i always thought "they pitty u" "there not ur friends they dont wanna get in trouble" but i let them belive i forgave and forget even tho i wasent the one suppose to be apologising but hey, if they wont do it someone has to am i right...?. So the year got harder i slowly CHOSE to isolate my self and not talk to people i was now known as the "mute kid" but whats the point in speaking when no one is there to listen? So i used all my lunch brakes on writing songs, drawing, playing with toys i secretly brought, and a bunch of other things we dont wanna mention at the moment. I looked back when i wrote the word "TOYS" just now thinking i brought toys in my pencle case and looked at them when i felt stressed or sad during class hours and it made me happy for a bit so i kinda had a friend :) i remember it was a little pikachu and and eevee one that id always bring with me when i went to school i guess u could say they (Key Word) WERE my stress ball when i looked at them id think "im safe" "im fine" "its gonna be ok" untill one day someone thought it would be funny to take them so i had a mini panic attack but a really nice girl said that they took the towards the "Happy tree" thats what people would call it and i till this day dont understand why cuz this tree that i was told to go too is were i was picked on and bullied but i went anyway becuase i want my comfort toys back. The group of kids called me over waving my toys in there hand and said "if u dont get here in the next 5 secounds they die" by the way i was very far away they yelled that they knew i had no time to get there but back when i was in that situation i belived that i could reach there in time and as soon as they all changed "FIVE" i saw my comfort friends "DIE" they threw both of my pokemon on the road just as a car was passing and i saw there ears get ripped off and there faces been squished and just beyond repair. So i started to cry, what did i do to them that was so bad they did this, why me?!? One of the girls gave me my pikachus tail... im assuming they ripped it off when they threw it like a grenade. And as the small defensless kid that i was i gave up stopped crying (it least when i was in field of view to the group) and walked off with my toys tail in my fists. Didnt tell anyone... i just said "i lost them" to my parents when they saw i didnt play with toys anymore, so yep slowly going down that hill of no return. I never forgave them, nor even spoke to them i stayed out of there way and i one kid a few weeks later decided to call me a name that will forever haunt me "Fag" and pushed me in to the swing set and i cracked my head. I was rushed to the hospital and everyone asks HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? Wanna guess what i said? "Sorry i tripped dont worry wont happen again" this was my last straw of sanity. During class they asked "How did u hurt ur self" (hahaha) " u should be more careful" i just snapped in class i started scribbling on my pencil case "i wanna die" "kill me now" "FML" and then i saw a small bit of sympathy and worry on some of there faces the face that said "we went too far" they asked if im okay and i didnt respond just slowly cover my ENTIRE pencil case with thoes words and as soon as it became lunch time. I took mattee in to my own hands if they wanted me to hit rock bottom, broken beyond repair, unfixable well they got it. I walked outside of the fence from school found some old rope and... Tied a noose climed up the tree... and just as i was about to jump a teacher screamed "OH MY GOD" that caused a scene and started me becuase i was at my little place one comes too and was wondering how did u see me? now its infested with everyone that i hate everyone started to chant "JUMP JUMP JUMP" and just as i was about to jump one of the year 7s sprinted over and caught me and snapped the tree branch off and i just collapsed... i cried harder then i ever did before and i got sent to the office and my parents were notified that "there child just tried to kill there self" can u imagine that. IT PAINED MY MOTHER SO MUCH TO SEND ME TO SCHOOL KNOWING I WAS GETTING PICKED ON ( god im crying while writing this) and to pick up a call from the school that ur son just almost killed himself. No u couldnt imagine that. No u couldnt imagine the pain my mother was feeling unless it has happened to you, it is unimaginable and till this die if i joke about "killing my self" it triggers her defensive side. And for that im sorry mum... so Yep thats just abit of what happened in primary school cant wait to write about high school! (No i can wait...) but ye there was much more so i dont seem like a drama queen i would be here for years on end explaining what happened but here just to give u a run down. Broken wrist, broken head, broken heart, broken leg, cutting, self harm, not eating, breakdowns, and my favourite. Me learning about depression and my mum saying im probably deppresed...
ANYWHO thanks for reading, im finally venting about all my issues in my life becuase it cant stay bottled up for as long as it has. I know this book is called "inner thoughts" but it's basically just about my struggles in life and what i did to overcome them. I couldnt care less if people didnt like this book or that people dont read it, im using this as a therapy coping mechanism at the moment cuz things are happening in my life that are triggering this. A little more about me im 19 years old, gay, male. Thanks for reading...
