How to Screw Jerk-Ass Gods - Second Edition

How to Screw Jerk-Ass Gods

The GUS177R5HNs stand above the gods and even beyond those who are above the gods. They are the spring of the "concept" and "notion" of standing above the gods and they lord over all concepts and all principles. They choose what it is to stand above the gods. Yes, they define the notion of surpassing the gods. Complete lordship over godhood itself is also one of the things that they make and have. They can control what it is to be a god and can make a non-god into a god and a god into a non-god. Not only are the GUS177R5HNs the originators and utter rulers of holiness and divinity, but they define what it means to be such an originator. So sublime and transcendent are the GUS177R5HNs that I have to use random sequences of letters and numbers as substitute names for their "race" and for individual GUS177R5HNs.

The ur-father and ur-mother of all the GUS177R5HNs is too high and great to be named, and I dare not even give him/her a substitute name. Among his/her children are the spiritually linked twins H9S0T8E2H4He and H9S0T8E2H4She, the king and queen of the GUS177R5HNs and respectively the father and the mother of many of them. These sibling-spouses lord over power itself. Among their many children are the also spiritually linked twins JAG46Z16UANShe and JAG46Z16UANHe, who share the highest and holiest soul-link, mind-connection and spirit-bond of all pairs of twins and who control all such connections, especially those of gods and spirits and elves. They also have complete control of logic, metaphysics, pataphysics, and what lies beyond.

JAG46Z16UANHe wanted his sister JAG46Z16UANShe as his bride, and she wanted him as her bridegroom, but their parents didn't allow it at first.

"Sibling incest is something for those base gods, not for us GUS177R5HNs," said their father.

"But you're also married to each other...," protested JAG46Z16UANShe.

"...Even though you're twins," completed JAG46Z16UANHe.

"But it's different for us," said their mother, "for we're the king and queen of the GUS177R5HNs."

"That's not fair!" protested JAG46Z16UANHe and JAG46Z16UANShe in unison. Then, JAG46Z16UANHe asked, already knowing the answer since GUS177R5HNs are the rulers of omniscience itself (as well as of omnipotence, omnipresence and omnibenevolence), "Could we do something so that you allow us to marry each other and consummate our love?"

"Well, there is one thing," said H9S0T8E2H4He.

His sister-wife continued, "If you're willing to do something which other GUS177R5HNs would normally do, we'll allow you to wed one another."

"And what is that something?" inquired JAG46Z16UANShe, already knowing the answer like her brother, of course.

"Punish those gods who committed immoral acts for their wrongdoings," said H9S0T8E2H4She and her brother-husband simultaneously. "Make them better, too," they added. "At the very least, JAG46Z16UANHe has to beget a child with Juno-Hera, queen of the gods, so that that child becomes a powerful semi-GUS177R5HN who ensures that the gods nevermore do bad things. But you mustn't break her marriage with Zeus-Jupiter, since we GUS177R5HNs protect marriage as holy."

At the prospect of making love with each other, JAG46Z16UANShe and JAG46Z16UANHe immediately went to work. They took divine shape fairer than all the gods. Being connected twins, they more than infinitely fast, i.e. using a negative amount of time, thought up a way to get Hera-Juno pregnant without breaking her marriage.

"But Janus is the first god, so it would be rather incourteous not to start with him, wouldn't it?" said JAG46Z16UANShe with a mischievous grin and winked.

"It certainly would," said JAG46Z16UANHe. "And he certainly deserves it, for he once raped the nymph Cranae..."

"...and helped the Roman rapists and kidnappers of the Sabine women by making a hot volcanic spring erupt on the Sabine forces who were trying to get their kinswomen back and thus were in the absolute right," continued JAG46Z16UANShe.