trauma dumping

Seasonal depression and whatever

CW: Everything pretty much.

Word count: 1000

My depression is getting worse because of seasonal depression, I guess. The only way I have to cope is through self-harm, music, and video games but my mom is already mad at me because I couldn't even get out of bed today. I want to be clean so badly but I can't. My eating disorder is getting better but that's only because it's being replaced with a different eating disorder. I just wish I could speak to my mom about this but she would get mad and tell me to suck it up. "You know, your dad and I have depression too. We are still doing our best." You've been handling it longer than I have. My therapy sessions aren't even helping that much anymore because I am scared to open up. Plus, I keep on asking for my mom to re-schedule but she's "too busy". I understand that she might have other things going on but I need to talk to my therapist so badly. I wish my mom would understand me. I just want someone to talk to. I wish I was a cis guy. I'm tired of being mistaken for a girl. "Well, you're never gonna be a boy if you don't get the surgery." I don't want the surgery. "I know you know this but you keep falling for these straight boys while trying to be a boy, they are never going to like you. If you want to be in a relationship with a boy you like then you need to be a girl." Please just shut up. I am not trying to be a boy. I AM a boy. But to you I am just you're little girl, right? I just realized how fucking pathetic I am. I vent on Snapchat, TikTok, and now Wattpad? Wattpad isn't even a fucking like okay venting thing. It's for fucking stories, not my pathetic complaining. I'm so fucking stupid O can't stop crying. I hate myself so fucking much. The only way I can have self-love is by being in a romantic relationship. I need to know that I am worthy of somebody else's love. Once I know that then I can tell myself, 'Hey, someone likes me and thinks I am worthy of something. Maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am!' No, shut up. You're worse than you think you are. No one has truly loved you like that in years. Shut up. I literally can't even respond to my friends because I am so 'depressed'. I just want to be loved and held. I can't even cope because I am such a fucking pussy. God, I am genuinely so fucking tired. I complain about not being loved but if someone asked me out I would reject them. I only want him to love me. He is my everything. I love seeing his smile and his eyes. He is perfect, why can't I be perfect? I want him to ask me out. "Oh, this initial likes you!" Then you show his initial. 'Universe, show me a green car if he likes me back, please' Then you show me a green car not even an hour later. IF HE LIKES ME WHY IS HE DOING THIS. Why does it pain me to see him talking to other boys/girls? I want to be the only one he talks to/he looks at. Why am I obsessing over him? We don't even know each other that well. We only talk at lunch, barely talk at P.E. and we have only talked like 5 times outside of school. God, why does he have to be so goddamn perfect. I hate it. I hate Jenny. I hate her. I hate 'Mango'. I hate George. But mostly I think I hate you. Yeah, you're my second favorite person but cmon man it hurts me to think of you. 680 words so far. Do I complain that much?? I can't even cry anymore I have cried way too much while writing this that I can even cry anymore. Wowser. I don't wanna die I just wanna feel alright. I wanna be hugged by my cousin, they help me so much but it makes me feel bad because it makes me feel like I am just friends with them. After all, it makes me feel decent. I am not using them I swear. They make me feel so good about myself. Unlike my other cousins. I thought we were gonna be friends forever. That's what you said, '4lyfers', remember? Not, like yeah my mom hits me sometimes but that's NORMAL. We were fighting. It was bad, you know that. I told you it was so bad that she sent me away for like two days. You were my best friend. I would have cut him off for you. Now, I wouldn't because you're just like your dad. "That's a compliment, I love my dad." Really? Well, you shouldn't. He abused your mom for 10 years. He has kidnapped you, he has manipulated you and the rest of the family for years. I don't even care tbh. I'm just making friends and leaving them before they can leave me. Mom's gonna die, they're gonna leave, I just know that there is gonna be a big fight between us. Nothing matters, everyone leaves me. Might as well de-attach me now instead of getting hurt later. I need to take a shower. I can feel the fucking grease in my hair. My room is getting dirty again. I have kleenexes all over my room. Not only are there my clothes on the floor but garbage too. It's so fucking dirty everywhere. I feel disgusting. I just want to feel okay. Why can't I be okay for once? Why is this all happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? I know I haven't been the best person but oh my god. I always feel like shit and I hate it. I want it to stop.