Touché (Complete)

Reconciliation

Flor was in the hospital lobby when Sister Anna found her. Her eyes were closed although she hadn't really slept since the accident. Thoughts about Carl's death were shoved at the farthest corner of her mind.

A part of her hoped that he wasn't really gone yet. He's an angel, after all.

"I knew something bad was going to happen," Sister Anna admitted to Flor.

"What do you mean?"

"We were halfway into the ritual and the gates of heaven were half-opened. Stopping in the middle of it only caused a disaster. I tried to warn Carl but he ran too fast."

Flor didn't understand. Was it a punishment then? She wanted to understand why Carl stopped midway. But she realized what the reason was.

"He wanted to see you, I guess," Sister Anna confirmed Flor's suspicion. "But don't blame yourself."

The truth was, she did blame herself. If only she didn't tell him her last wish, he wouldn't have even thought about it. If only she had the courage to send him off, he wouldn't have gone down the mountain for her.

"Would he become an angel again?" Flor asked, her eyes hopeful.

Sister shook her head. She explained that because he died in an accident, his soul would be gone. 

"As in?"

The old woman lowered her eyes and nodded. 

Flor could only close her eyes. She felt like the nonstop rain would soon flood the place and she would drown. Would he be there at the bottom of it? But, he was gone. 

For the following days, the two of them arranged a short funeral for Carl that nobody else attended. When it was over, Flor continued her flight back to the city. 

She tried to recall what he looked like, a little bothered that she might forget him. They had no photo together, no proof of their journey except for the hotel receipts in her pocket and the fact that she's on a plane right now. At least, she knew it wasn't all a dream.

Flor closed the plane window, not wanting to see the sky.

Why was this so unfair? Carl didn't deserve it. She should've been the one who died, not him.

Flor wished she had someone to talk to. But people might just think she'd gone completely insane. So, she had no choice but to keep it all in.

She was used to it anyway. Keeping it all in.

She thought she could do it, but the moment she finally went to her room, left all alone, she couldn't keep it anymore.

The thing about pain was that you could pretend all you want to be strong, but one day, all of it would be too much.

That day had come.

Flor didn't go out for weeks. Her phone was drained and she didn't bother charging anymore. She was losing clients after clients but she couldn't care less.

She could always get more, she told herself.

Some days were slow, some passed by in a blink of an eye. But most days were the same; just her waking up when the sun has already set.

All she did was sleep, taking all the rest she couldn't have before. Her dreams would always be empty but it was better for her that way. But a part of her hoped she'd see him at least in a dream.

Somehow, Flor didn't feel too sad. She just felt heavy, too tired to do anything.

After a few more days of the same uneventful days, she received a visit. As usual, it was her mother.

But her mother didn't yell at her. She came worried, her brows furrowed. But Flor didn't see it. She was just staring at the ceiling.

"What's wrong?"

Flor didn't respond. She pretended like she wasn't hearing anyone.

Seeing Flor like this was different. Flor had never shown weakness before. Or she would never show herself like this.

Flor's mother didn't push her anymore. She bought food instead and tried to fix the mess in the room. Surprisingly, Flor wasn't minding her.

She was just there, eyes open but seeing nothing.

"I'm sorry," her mother blurted out.

It was the first time Flor heard her give an apology.

"I haven't been the best mother. I wish there's any way I could help you. I know I've been stupid these past few years and you felt like I've abandoned you. But the truth is that I was just scared that I'd drag you down with me. You were strong and I was weak."

This was the first time her mother opened up about herself. Flor didn't know what to say. Would she tell her mother that she didn't care?

"It's not about you," Flor finally said after a long silence. 

"It's about someone else. Someone who's gone because of my own stupidity. It had nothing to do with you."

Flor thought that her words would finally make her mother shut up. But it didn't.

"I see. You love him?"

How did she know it was about that? 

Flor pondered on the question for a while. Did she love Carl? She knew she cared about him. She usually never gave a damn about anyone else, but she truly cared for him. He made her happy, and a part of her hoped she also did the same for him. 

Maybe she did love him.

"It doesn't matter now," she said. 

Her mother met her eyes, showing a sign of genuine concern.

"I don't have anything to say about love," she told her daughter.  "I'm not the best person to say this, but whoever that person is, he's lucky. You always had so much love to give. And so much space for love to receive. You've always been like that as a child, and I... not everyone gets a chance to at least experience that."

Flor nodded. The words hovered, together with the memories she'd been trying to subdue. 

The conversation between them didn't last long.   Flor's mother felt that it was time to leave.  Before she did, she handed Flor a floral handkerchief. As she expected, her daughter didn't take it. She never liked receiving anything.

But as her mother was about to step out the door, Flor changed her mind.

"Just... leave it on the table."