my little sister asked about you. she wonders why you ceased to knock at the doors of my house when we were sixteen and raging with youth. she often told me, though only ten at the time, that you were her favorite 'hello' that she would greet at the door.
she said you would always smile when you saw her.
love, hideo
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¶ i have begun to be yours
september 7th, 1983—
kazue tried to leave quietly.
his footsteps were cushioned by the sand and his shoes had been left somewhere over the hill where the grass began.
he took his time to leave when he saw hideo sitting by the calm waters.
kazue didn't hate hideo, but his chest hurt when he saw him, so he avoided him. it was this yearning to be near a human being that drove him to hurting this way.
in the halls at school when eye contact was brief but strangely constant, he avoided him.
in the courtyard where their journeys to the school building collided, he avoided him.
and here, at the beach; hideo came every day, but kazue avoided him. he always saw, but he couldn't bring himself to speak. a strange kind of salt stuck to his tongue and he couldn't open his mouth well.
"please stay this time, itoh," hideo sighed. "i'm very cold."
"it's your fault for not bringing a jacket," the other boy grumbled. his cheeks grew warm. how long had hideo known he was there? had he always known?
hideo turned to stare at him, his eyes narrowed and lips thinned into a tight line of frustration.
"i see you have a jacket," he said.
"yes." kazue's skin crawled underneath the other boy's heavy gaze.
"may i borrow it?"
hideo's voice went lower than kazue would've guessed could come from him.
it made him conscious of how hideo's eyes burrowed themselves into his body.
"get your own next time, kid. i only brought one."
hideo sighed and his shoulders slacked, "then come sit beside me and give me your body heat."
"why?"
"because i'm cold, stupid."
kazue gripped his school bag tightly, "you aren't gonna try and get me to sleep with you again?"
hideo shook his head, "no. i won't. so just sit with me."
"if you still want to touch me, i'll let you. but i won't sleep with you."
hideo's eyes glinted in the soft sunlight and he smiled warmly.
kazue gulped down nervousness as he stared at the other boy, whose breaths had become heavy.
"i'm only gonna touch you when you beg for it."
kazue's jaw tightened in surprise but he remained stoic. "you're bold, fujioka."
"you make it easy," hideo said with a knowing grin. "you make it very easy."
"i'm assuming i'm just so drop-dead fantastic on the eyes that you can't resist." kazue laughed. he sat down beside hideo, far enough to keep his hands to himself, but close enough that he could interlock their fingers if he so desired.
not that he'd ever desire it.
"you're right." hideo fujioka smiled softly, "you are beautiful."
kazue didn't know what to say. this boy obviously thought he was an easy target, an easy candidate for bedroom politics. but as much as kazue himself was desperate for human touch, especially from someone like hideo, he had more dignity than to let himself sleep with the first person to show interest.
but he didn't know if anyone else would ever love someone like him. he was a queer. what queer married happily? what kind of love could a queer receive other than love from another queer?
"when's your birthday, itoh?" hideo asked.
"january 16th."
"mine's august 24th."
"so it already passed," kazue said, "how old are you?"
hideo sighed and focused his gaze on the ocean in front of him, "i'm sixteen now. i was held back a year in middle school."
"you're older than me, huh."
"you should call me senpai."
kazue gagged, "absolutely not. you've shown me no respect to deserve that."
"it's not a matter of respect, it's a matter of manners," hideo grinned. it was a grin from ear to ear that shone like the stars' reflections in the night tides. how genuinely amused he was. kazue didn't think their exchange was even that funny or entertaining.
"goddammit." kazue whispered under his breath. "you've kept me here longer than i planned."
"is it my brilliant charisma?" the other boy asked.
"no," kazue said, a stupid grin on his face, "but i like it when you—" he paused.
"when i what?"
hideo's dark eyes stared at him so deeply, so fervently asking for reprieve from his burning curiosity. silence settled around them until kazue could only hear the roar of the ocean in front of them.
"i like it when you talk to me like i'm a human being."
the boy's curious gaze faltered as he heard these words. a surprised expression overcame his features and he reached out his hand to brush his fingers against kazue's warm forehead.
hideo's hands were cold like ocean water.
"you are nothing but human to me, itoh."
tears fell from his eyes involuntarily. of everyone who'd seen through his transparent, torn skin, hideo fujioka saw his heart before anyone else.
