The Story of My Life

Chapter Six: The Therapist

Hullo everyone! It's Carabo here, blogging my ordinary, simple little life. So even though I asked you SIX FRIKIN TIMES for you guys to leave requests, NO ONE LEFT ANYTHING!!!!!!!!! So I'll just have to write about what happened this week with Steven! Well; here goes...

Last week, I bought Steven an Xbox (I know, I'm a fabulous mother!). Now, Steven doesn't actually have a social life... or any friends, but now it has an Xbox. Apparently, when Steven went to school it told THE WHOLE DARNED CLASS that it got an Xbox. They come home all happy. I'm horrified! No one has been happy in this family since 1792! "Steven, honey, what are you so... happy about?" Their feminine face lightened up and it squealed, "Now that I have an xBox, I'M POPULAR!"  How mortified I was! This little gender queer kid... Popular?! How could that be possible?! "Are you sure? I thought they made fun of you- a lot." They smiled and giggled. "STEVEN BARFINGHAM GUSHNOP! HOW DARE YOU LAUGH IN THIS HOUSE!!!" It burst into tears and screamed, "I'm sorry mum!" I was infuriated, nobody laughs in my presence! "Room- NOW!" It's so hard to be a mum with terribly happy children... I thought to myself as I walked into the basement. I got cozy in my coffin and slowly drifted away... To sleep...

"MOTHER!!! MUM! MUMMY! AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

I banged my head against the coffin top as I struggled to awaken and open it.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT I WAS TEMPORARILY DEAD HERE!!!"

"MUMMY STEVEN IS EATING THE STEVEN CORPSE!"

Of course, it was my Steven with the xBox. If it was any other Steven they would've thought it was completely normal.

"Steven. That is what we do in this family! Get over it!"

"But it's not cool!"

Oh no. Oh no they didn't!

"EXCUSE ME?! We don't DO cool things in this family!"

"Mummy it's gross blood is getting all over my clothes!"

Those words were petrifying!

"Steven. Get  in the car. We're going to a therapist."

"Mum no kids will think I am mental!"

"That's what we're striving for!"

***After the two hour drive to the office, we make it. "Which office is it?" I scanned each sign individually, looking for the one that read Mental Health. "Aha! Here we go." We barged into the room to see a fat lady with a huge nose and purple lipstick on. "Uhh hui? Who wood you be?" She asked. The lady had an accent I couldn't figure out... Somewhere between a mix of Indian, German, and Australian. Odd. "I am Carabo. This is Steven, my child." She nodded. "Did you schejul an apotmoont? I cot fund you on the list..." I shook my head and sat down on a bean bag. "I thought you could just talk to him, yah know?" She pursed her lips and moved her jaw in an elliptical motion."Uh yuh. I furgut tah turn off me assent mucrufoone." She switched a small lever on what I thought was one of those Bluetooth things. "Okay!" Now her voice was definitely American. Masculine, even. "I can talk to the boy! 100$ per hour, okay?" I didn't have that kind of money, so I figured after we were done talking we could just scram. "Uh, yeah, I'll pay after. Oh and... Why did you have that accent... Thing?" Her face went blank. She leaned in and whispered, "Nutella." She clapped her hands and exclaimed, "Alrighty then! What's been bothering your.... child." I sighed and rubbed my temples. "Well, it-" "Wait is Steven a male or female?!" I hadn't actually thought of that before... it just never occurred to me. "Ummm.. I actually don't know... What are you, Steven?" Even their face was puzzled. "Well I have boy parts down under... But it bleeds once a month. And I have breasts." The lady chuckled. "Same here, actually." Well I guess I won't be referring to them as a lady anymore... "So first, what's your name?" I asked. "Mine? Triston," they said. "Alright, we should get down to what's wrong with your child." My facial area saddened once more as I began to explain. "They don't enjoy murdering anymore. They were terrified when my son ate one of my dead children; and they SCREAMED when blood got on their clothes. Also, Steven is getting into popular things. It cares about what people think. Steven is now 10, could they be getting into teenage depression that early?" The person's used-to-be tan face was now white, and their jaw was gaping. "D-do you murder?" I let out a sickly laugh. "Of course!" They nodded slowly. "I'm... gonna go make a phone call..." I smiled and replied, "We will wait patiently!" I then gave them the biggest smile I have ever done. She screamed and ran. I relaxed and remarked, "Must've been an important phone call!"

***After about 35 minutes of waiting, the office door swings open. In comes the S.W.A.T Team, the police, and in the back of the group of ten people there stands the therapist. "PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!" The front one scolded. "WHAT DID WE DO?!" I shrieked... Maybe a prank? A joke?? "Uhh okay... okay... We can talk this out, right?" I coaxed as I slowly backed up; towards the window. "I SAID FREEZE!" "I-I'm not moving!" I stumbled as I moved back- almost there! "Listen lady, stop moving or we will shoot!" "Okay! I'll stop!" I was at the window: it was my chance to open it!" I slowly unlatched it behind my back. "Okay. I confess I did it. Take me to- SEE YA CHUMPS!!!!" I yelled as I jumped out the window. I glanced up as I fell and saw a bullet fly over my head. It was only three stories, so I wasn't hurt too bad. I laid on my back for a couple seconds to see Steven peek his head out the window. The way his mouth formed in the split second, I believe he was about to shout, "Mommy!" But his body went limp and he fell out. I swiftly dodged the five foot body right before it pounded mine. "So long suckas!" I shouted. "FREEZE OR WE WILL SHOOT!" One of them screamed like a small chipmunk. I ran diagonal so they would have a harder time hitting me. "TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOLLLLL!!!" I shouted to their ugly faces. 

After about an hour of running, I found a fairly large red truck with a scrawny man in the front seat. "GET OUT OF THE TRUCK I NEED TO GET HOME!!!" He was supposedly sleeping, but I had woken him. "Oh heel nah!" I pulled my dagger out of my jacket and held it to his neck. "Ah right! Ah right!" He hopped out of the car and nodded to me in an approving way. "May Patrick Stump bless your face, have a safe trip." "Thanks, man!" 

***The hour trip was okay. I listened to some news station. There had been some chic at a therapist that admitted to murder! She ran away, but they're looking for her right now. What a story! I wonder who it was... 

Well anyways, that was the story of how I got rid of my child that was a disgrace to the family. I think he's been buried or something... But whatever. 

OKAY PLEEEEEEEEEEASE LIKE LEAVE REQUESTS OR SOMETHING BECAUSE THIS STORY WAS ACTUALLY AWFUL BECAUSE I'M RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS AND I AM A HORRIBLE WRITER... AND I SUCK AT LIKE... EVERYTHING... BECAUSE... I AM CJ.... AND I JUST PLAIN SUCK AT LIFE SO LIKE JUST ASK ABOUT THE FIRST TIME I GOT IN JAIL OR SOMETHING...

THAT WAS ACTUALLY A FABULOUS TIME. 

OKAY WELL BYE NOW!!!!!!!!!! GOODBYE HUMANS THAT ARE BETTER THAN I.

REMEMBER, IF YOU EVER FEEL HATED, JUST THINK OF HOW MUCH EVERYONE HATES ME. 

THAT WILL ALWAYS MAKE IT BETTER.

YEP.

OKAY.

BYE.