So, This is Love

I

My definition of love has always been negative. Since, I was young I can't even feel my parents love and warmth. It's as if the universe has conspired to torment me so they gave a broken family. Not broken literally but it's still the same, isn't it?

At my sixteen years of existence, wait did I really exist in this world in the first place? I felt like I was just a shadow.

I wanted to love and to be loved. I wanted to know how it feels. Pero paano ko 'yon mararanasan kung kahit kailan hindi ko 'to naramdaman? Every birthday I've always wished that my parents will love me. But that wish never came true.

My parents broke me to pieces. One night, my parents tried to kill each other in front of me. Wala akong magawa. I was just crying trying to stop them. Pero ako 'yong nasaktan ng sobra. Not only physically but mentally and emotionally.

My mother cheated on my father. Kaya ang pag-ibig para sa akin ay hindi totoo. Baka totoo, para sa iba. Pero para sa akin hindi. Perhaps, love is not just for me.

"Ms. Hesper, nandito na po tayo."

Napalingon ako sa driver namin ng magsalita 'to. He's my grandparent's driver. Simula kasi noong nangyari ang araw na 'yon ay kinuha na ako ng lolo at lola ko.

Today is the Summer Day of 20**. Hindi ko alam pero my lolo said that I need to attend a certain school so that I can learn about something in life. Something that I can't learn at home. Pumayag naman ako. Hindi naman ako 'yong tipo ng tao na sumusuway sa mga utos ng mga nakakatanda. I just feel like I'm indebted to them. Kahit kapamilya ko pa sila.

Tumingin ako sa labas at naaninag ang isang gate. This school is located in the province that's why all I can see is trees and mountains. I can also see rice fields.

Nilabas niya 'yong mga maleta ko at bumukas ang gate at isang matandang babae ang lumabas kasama ang dalawa pang lalake.

Maybe she's the headmistress of this school.

Ngumiti ito sa akin at naglahad ng kamay. "Good day, Ms. Razon. I'm Samantha. And I am the headmistress of Chrysos High where you can experience what life is to offer."

Tumango lang ako sa kanya bilang tugon.

I stared at the pink sky above us, indicating that anytime soon it's gonna be evening. Pumasok kami sa loob, hindi na rin ako nagtaka dahil parehas lamang ito sa academy sa syudad. Classrooms, gym, dormitories and etc.

Chrysos High are scattered throughout the country, some in Visayas and Mindanao. But I guess this certain Chrysos High offers something else.

Mayroon akong nakikitang mga estudyante sa hallway. Marahil ay patungo na sila sa cafeteria para kumain.

"Ang oras ng pagkain ay alas sais ng umaga, alas dose ng tanghali at alas sais ng gabi. Kapag ikaw ay nahuli ay hindi ka na bibigyan ng pagkain."

Napataas ang kilay ko. I'm not used to waking up early because my class still start at 9. Mapapasubo yata ako sa eskwelahang 'to.

"Other rules will be discussed tomorrow in the class Ms. Razon since you're still new."

Tumango ako. "For now, you can eat in the cafeteria or you can go straight to your dorm and sleep."

"I'll be going to my dorm." I said to her.

Hinatid nila ako sa dorm. "Sleep well, Ms. Razon for tomorrow is another day."

Ngumiti ito sa akin. But I just found her smile very creepy. I just shrugged it off at humilata sa kama.

------

Napabalikwas ako sa kama ko ng may maramdamang gumagalaw sa loob ng kwarto ko.

"Ah!" napasigaw ako kasi mayroong mga tao sa loob ng kwarto ko at kinukuha ang iba pang mga gamit.

"What the hell are you doing?!" sigaw ko sa kanila pero mukhang wala silang narinig. Hanggang sa isang lalake ang pumasok, nakapamulsa.

"We're just getting the stuff that's not needed for your stay here, Ms. Razon."

Napatingin ako sa mga kinukuha nila. My branded shoes and dress, my skin care products, my make ups, my almost everything!

"Kailangan ko lahat 'yan ano ba!" sabay hablot ko sa mga bag na dala nila. How dare they put my things in a fucking garbage bag?!

Kinuha muli sa akin ang bag at binigyan ako ng isang libro ng lalake. "This is the rules. You can read it now, and so that we can move these things already."

Napatingin ako sa libro at pag bukas ko ay naroon nga at nakalagay. Napasimangot ako. "Fine. Fine. Pero kailangan ba talagang kuhanin ng ganito kaaga? For pete's sake it's just 5 o'clock!"

Tumaas ang kilay nito. "5 o'clock is not considered early, Ms. Razon. If I were you, maligo ka na para hindi ka mahuli sa kainan." 'Yon ang huli niyang sinabi bago sila umalis.

Napatingin ako sa mga natirang damit. Konti na lang at puro mga essential talaga. Paano ko sila pagkakasyahin sa isang buwan? I feel like they won't even last for two weeks. My goodness!

Nakakainis! I fucking hate this school already!