i feel so alone
i have not felt this alone since the fall of 2016
when my hair fell out in fist-sized chunks
when my nails chipped off in brittle flakes
when my arms bore notches and scores like the side of a well-carved tree
i was only 12.
5 years later i am alone again
with my thoughts
with my pain
with my tendencies
i am 17
i am 17
i am 17
telling my boyfriend would either scare him off or make me seem weak
telling my friends would either make me seem like i'm begging for attention or drag them into my spiral
telling my family would either cause knowledge of my pain to spread like wildfire or incite the guilt of what could've been
"you squeeze into clothes made for little girls, pretending like they fit you"
dad, i'm sorry to have slipped
and i'm sorry to have let myself go
to have given you that false impression
this marks a new beginning
