The Middle by Jimmy Eats World interrupts the lesson to play over the loudcoms, signalling the end of the day. No longer can the song be heard as they shove their desks around, fumbling for backpacks and personal belongings. Many students swirl around the door, as if the funnel were too small, the time too short, and their viscosity; too high. Standing now, the world deafens when I slip on my headphones. Nothing is playing. They are simply insurance from strangers. The classroom empties before I make a move. My backpack got flung over my shoulder and held. Out I went.
The hallways are already clearing. Facing left; there are only stragglers now. At tie, I was think how they must think I’m a teacher’s pet like them. That is, given how late I always stayed. Only I know how untrue that is.
Behind me is a pack of them. Quickly, my feet move to avoid the concourse. They hover behind me during my feeble attempt to avoid them. Alas, I was walking too slowly. A loud noise is made when I slam into a locker and take a quick breath in. The group, now behind me, stares. I hold the breath for several seconds before releasing it.
The group passes, yet still I stayed. Calming down. I did not want to return to walking. So I stayed there, leaned against the lockers now. I pull out my notebook. Another “bad moment” as the therapist calls it. That made three that day. I journaled the event as she asked, replace it in my bag, then stood up. I was walking again, this time at a slower pace.
The world feels dull at this point. Like nothing matters. Yet so much of it does. From the homework in my backpack, to my people, to every random stranger, and every interaction with others. It a l l matters.
As I cleared my secret way out of the building, the cold bites me. I was already wearing two jackets, but apparently that was not enough. Shivering, I walked to our meeting place. Twenty steps east and about fifty north. This spot lies next to the main doors, which I dare not use.
I was first to arrive for once, so I take a seat and make myself appear unwelcoming - another trick to unsettle others from talking to me. This, of course, does not work on my friends who don’t understand why I do it. Damn extroverts. Either way, they make great company. They won’t force me to speak and they don’t tease me for some odd reason.
Out the doors comes the first one… “Hiya Jeremy!” She spoke just loud enough to clear the now audible music and my headphones. I take a moment too long to respond and she takes notice of my mood. I knew that it made her uncomfortable, which would be why she took control of the subject. “Whose house are we going to today?”
I look up from my post and blink slowly as I speak, “Shouldn’t we wait for Alec?” It is good to make an effort, so I smiled up at her as well, then promptly looked down and rubbed my hand harshly across my face from my eyebrow to ear. My hair tucked behind my ear when I did this.
Jo attempts not to break eye contact when I look away. I can feel her gaze on me as I grab my bag and put a little too much effort into standing back up. I take a deep breath, then look around for Alec. She isn’t in the area. “Alec is normally the first one here.” Jo’s voice breaks me out of concentration.
I knew if I didn’t respond, she would know something is wrong. “True.” I pandered. I didn’t have the energy for conversation. The constriction upon my chest, the narrowness in my mind, and the wallowing emptiness worsened as I realized I don’t want to be here. I could feel as the world around me shrunk and disappear. I was in my head. I knew it, and yet I couldn’t leave. In, one two three four, out; one two three four.
I know it is not long before Jo places her icepack against my face to shock me out of myself. “Thanks” I exhale.
“Rough day?” Jo inquires. She had a concerned look on her face as she forced her icepack down, back in her bag.
I didn’t particularly want to answer, but I would do just about anything for Jo. “Extremely.” She looks me up and down and realized I am shivering. I forced myself to stop.
She smiles at me, gets in my face just enough to make me want to lean back, then asks if I would like to talk about it.
I leaned back really far, making a dumb smile that does not show teeth, and say “NOPE” quite loudly.
She responds by moving back and dropping the topic. Jo pulls out her phone, presumably to text Alec to hurry their ass up. Instead she holds up a picture of her dog. I’m not particularly into dogs, so I smiled weakly and took the phone only to zoom in on her room behind. Once she was satisfied with the amount of her animal I supposedly viewed, I hand it back and mentioned how clean her room is.
Jo smiled wide and retorted to me “Well, we certainly cannot go to mine then.” This put a smile on my face. As I shyly giggled, I could feel a pressure on my back. Not a physical one, but more of that of eyes.
Instead of asking, I turned to see, no more than thirty feet away, a guy staring us down. What stands out, wasn’t the way he dresses, or even his style, but rather, how he looked at us. It tasted like purple. The pressure of his gaze was so much I had to look away. “Jo?”
She responded instantly “Yeah… yeah”. I did not realize what was happening when she placed her hands on my shoulders and pulled me in. “You... should ask him out!” She sounded excited and muffled.
“I don’t even know his name Jo.” I deadpanned.
Jo stares back. “Buzzkill” she pretend to wince, then continued on. Jo leans in slightly and half whispers, “I know you want to hit that.”
“Again! His name…” I sigh.
I could tell Jo does not give two shits for my performance because she broke away and started walking towards him. I tried to stop her, to no avail. She breaks free of my false grip with ease.
I’m left to watch as she walks up to this group of men to ask for this random man’s name. It isn’t moments later that she returns. It's several minutes. The group giggled several times and even glanced towards me. With no que, Jo turned on heel and marched back towards me.
During such march, Jo held up a piece of paper and gestured toward it. I remember forcing my eyebrows up in an expression of terror. “Guess what I got?” Jo was basically screeching.
I stared her down and smile slightly. ”Best not be his name, Jo.” I would not have been angry if it were.
Jo stared me down, then impromptly smiled wider than I knew possible. “His number.”
“Thanks… but you know I’m not into guys. Right?” In retrospect, that was totally a lie. I most definitely knew at that point. I just… wasn’t to terms with it.
It takes Jo a few moments to respond and she does so with restraint. “Right.”
“That did not sound so sure.” I reply with haste.
She purses her upper lip and stares back. “Because, I’m not sure.” She continued seconds later with “If you weren’t gay, you would be into me. But here we both are; single.”
Obviously a joke, we both laugh. That was a good way to ease the pressure on me.
Behind me, “What’s that about being single?” That was Alec.
They took their arms and flung them over Jo and mys’ shoulders.
I quickly retort to avoid suspicion. Doing so was in vain because Jo was there.
I managed to break free while Jo spoke. “I just got a guy’s number for Jeremy!” I remember the way she exhaled that whole statement as one word.
It was a sound to behold because Alec had to ask for clarification several times. It was apparent how big of a deal it was that I might be romantically interested in someone. Which meant it was just as big of a deal to me. “Well, what’s his name Jeremy?”
It was the second time I had heard my name this conversation and just gained meaning to my brain. “What?” Alec repeated themself. “I don’t know yet.”
Jo chimed in “You mean Romeo.”
“I mean Romeo.” Several seconds passed without speech, so I spoke again. “Is that what we are calling him?”
“No” Jo responded. “That’s what he said his name was.”
Alec had a bemused look on their face. “I doubt that’s his name.” they panned.
Jo tried flipping the tables. “Well… that’s what he wants to be called.”
“That I can understand.” Alec giggled.
After several seconds of laughter, Jo attempted to hand me the paper. I declined somatically, which Jo did not like. She took my hand and shoved it in my hand. It was heavily crumpled now, as I tried resisting. But still usable as I later discovered.
We went on as normal. Jo asked if the group could go to Alec’s house. They responded as you might expect after a little convincing. And off we went.
Behind me I heard a shout. It told us to wait. I sped up, but Jo latched on to my backpack, tugging me backwards. We, all three, turned at once to see Romeo racing towards us.
My chest tightened and my heart climbed up my throat. I tugged on Alec’s sleave as a means of asking if we could run away. They slapped my hand.
I felt like there was a fire in my chest. Its flames only tickled. I could see his face as he approached, barely out of breath from the fifty foot jog, but still slightly red. He was somewhat attractive. But his curls sealed the deal. He was attractive in the same way as that dude on the “Dream Your Life Away” album cover. Who I later realized was Vance Joy.
He caught up to us and slowed to a stop. “Hey.” He looks from Jo then slowly to me. “I didn’t get your name.”
It did not take long for my breathing to accelerate and for the tightness in my chest to grow exponentially. I caught my breathing quickly and held it. No full on panic attack today. I squeeze out my name so I, at least, don’t seem like a freak. “Jer-“ I stutter. I took a quick breath in and tried again before my stuttering is noticeable. “Jeremy.”
That must have sounded confident because Romeo held out his hand for me shake. It was at this point, all three of us thought I was only in consideration as a friend. Not a romantic partner. Much of the tightness left my chest as I realized his denseness. I let out a deep breath and reached for his hand. Up. Down. Up… There. A handshake.
“Romeo.” He says more than confidently with a handsome smile and a swift, gentle nod.
I’m still holding his hand as I absently repeat myself. “Jeremy…”
Romeo smiles, licked the front of his teeth, looks down to my toes, then back up to my eyes. “Yes.” He responds after several seconds.
After several more seconds he released my hand. Romeo sticks his hands halfway in his pockets, thumbs out, flips on his right heel standing tall with vigor, and slinks away with a certain swagger to his step.
I could only stand there wondering what just happened.
Jo broke the silence after Romeo was out of earshot. “What. The. Actual. Hell.”
Alec struggled not to smile. Which is very suiting on their face. “I don’t know.” They continue. “But this - is exciting.”
