Disappearing

Backstory, Chapter four

I got up and went downstairs to eat breakfast together with my grandmother. The breakfast consisted of scrambled eggs, toast, bacon and some leftover meatballs from yesterday's dinner. My grandmother was aware that I didn't enjoy eating bacon, especially in the morning. But bacon was one of the cheapest products at the store. Knowing that made me want to not complain about it. I can't always complain about small things. I hated eating breakfast, especially because in the morning I was never hungry. On the other hand, I tried to eat up my breakfast for my grandmother. She had wakened up to make me the breakfast after all. If I didn't eat breakfast, that would just be disrespectful. Not only that, I had to take my daily pills. The pills couldn't be taken before eating something, so that was one of the reasons why I had to eat breakfast. I have taken those pills for quite a long time for now. In the beginning, had I been forced to take them two times a day, which now had changed to only one day.

With a cup of juice in my hand, I ran up the stairs. I greeted Nicolas and hurried to change my clothes for school. My school didn't have a dress code or a uniform that you had to wear. I picked out a black stained hoodie and blue jeans for my outfit. My favorite pair of jeans had become fully stained, so I had to wear the other pair that I didn't like. All of my other jeans had my parents gave me, which reminded me of them. I wanted all my memories gone, which meant my jeans had to be a part of that too. Grandmother forbade me from wearing the same outfit two days in a row, which made it even harder for me to pick out clothes that my parents didn't give me. The student would also make comments whenever I wore the same outfit two days in a row, so I tried to ignore that.

The makeup on my table had started to collect dust. I had previously used a lot of makeup every day to make myself feel better about myself. I couldn't see the point in it anymore. The makeup just made the outside look better, it didn't change something. The makeup was erasable, but my ugliness wasn't. I believed that I was the ugliest person alive, and all the makeup in the world couldn't hide that fact. How much I tried to change my appearance, had nothing worked? I needed to find something that would give me money. The saving would be used for plastic surgeries on my face. There are a number of operations I wished to get, and despite the fact that the costs were too high for me to ever afford, had I never stopped saving up for my dream. I didn't care if I couldn't afford an education. I needed to become more attractive, not intelligent. If I was unattractive, the education wouldn't help me in the future. No one would hire someone who was unattractive and a lack of confidence.

I overheard a group of females in the mall discussing how you can get a free nose operation in Europe if you got seriously injured. It would be far less expensive to travel there than to get a procedure in the United States, where I lived. My grandma and I would be in major debt. Grandmother and Nicolas were already struggling financially, so I never dared to ask about money to travel there.

I had never experienced financial issues before, but my parents stopped giving me money after the fight. Grandmother still had contact with my parents, yet they never asked about my moon or health. They carry on as if I had never been existing. My parents and I had a good connection till they found her in the woods one night. I had passed out and been abandoned in the woods. Ever since then had I haven't had a conversation with them without it resulting in an argument. They believed that me being passed out in the woods was my fault. I didn't even remember what I was doing in the woods in the first place. How could that be my fault? I had to speak to a couple of therapists and doctors, which all acted weirdly around me. I was the victim, yet they treated me like I was insane.

It had become ordinary for me to be without parents, which was something positive. I lost my old so-called family, but I got a new one. A better one. Nicolas and Grandmother. My memories of my previous family were starting to fade. Instead, the busyness had taken up the space. Grandmother and Nicolas never mentioned my parents, so why should I be interested in them? My parents didn't care. They had my phone number and could contact me at any time. They just didn't want to. I made the decision to distance myself from everyone except Nicolas and my grandma. After all, they were the only ones who had been there for me through my darkest times.

Believe it or not, I was before a social person who made friends quickly. I had the ability to read people and mirror them, which helped them to form a strong bond with me in a short time. Many people recognized that as a talent, on the other hand, had I never used it for the wrong purposes. I didn't want to make new friends when I knew that they would leave me in the end.