Different shades of myself

I remember a time where I loved life,
Where a smile meant something,
Laughing wasn't fake;
Where I was too young to process
All of the pain of the real world.
Moments spent in a locked closet
Because your father is beating
Your mother in the background,
And you can hear her cries radiate
Throughout a messy house
Because she's too scared and depressed
To clean.
Having your admiration for someone you loved,
Only to look ahead at a door you couldn't reach;
Hand over your mouth when you wanted to scream,
The sound of his voice as he convinces
You that he's doing it because he loves you.

The light in your mind shuts down
And there's nothing left but darkness;
Always hearing their voices
To remind you of how billable and weak you are;
Yet you dare to hope that someone is different.
You're too naive to believe the better in someone
Because you lack proper
Experience of pain and neglect,
As if the men who hurt you were just
A distance memory.

Loving someone more than you ever could;
They became your whole world,
But I'm the background they used you
For sex, they made sure you knew
That's all you were worth.
The constant yelling in your direction
On how everything you did was wrong,
Everything you did wasn't good enough,
And that the reason they were hurting you
Was because you deserved it.
You were too emotional,
You cared too much because you hoped,
So your mind grew dark again
And years passed without remember
Why you were still alive.

Waking up in a hospital bed because you had
Swallowed a bottle of pills,
Hooked up to cords that stretched for miles.
You look up to see your mother in the hallway,
"She's mentally ill like her father,
You need to put her away because she's a danger to herself."
Being wheeled away in the back of a large car
Until you arrive in a large building
That smelled of chlorine.
All of those moments she'd visit you
To remind you that you were just sick,
You needed to be here.
She told you that she loved you,
That she cared,
That she'd visit you everyday;
Until you couldn't stomach picking up
Her calls anymore,
And therapists gaslighted you,
Calling their technique "tough love."
It felt like hours and hours were wasted
Staring at a blank ceiling
With the words "your sick like your father"
Dining in your head.
You could hear them bounce off the darkness
Until it's all you saw in the shower,
When you were eating...
So why would you eat at all?

It's all of those moments in time
Where you were too sat to show
Interest in food.
You'd stare at your plate with
Glazed over eyes,
Numb to the on-growing abuse
In your environment.
"She's sick just like her father"
"I don't understand why she just won't eat"
"Her life isn't that hard"
Your weight dropped so dangerously low
That you had to watch your mother
Try to shove a cracker down your throat,
In tears that you were going to die.
"I'm doing this because I love you"
"I can't make it without you"
But those were the same words
You'd hear over and over again
When he would come back to apologize
After days of your mother crying
In his absence;
To welcome him back because she was too
Naive to know that he would never change.

You don't remember almost of your years in
School because you had memorized
The walls of hospital and psyche wards,
The feel of needles in your veins
For IVs and pumped full of drugs
Until you forgot why you were sad.
The amount of pills doctors would push
Because you were
"Mentally ill just like your father."
One turned into two,
Two turned into three;
But then pills became your daily meals,
You took so many that your mind
Had shut off any form of function,
It desensitized you to pretend
That you were okay,
They tight you how to smile and laugh
Even though you were empty inside.

And after years turned into your whole
Existence, you learned to prepare for the worst,
You adapted to the fact that everyone
Was the same.
All you saw from friend to partner
We're their faces,
You fucked up in trying to believe
That they weren't the same,
But time again and again
Somewhere down the line they were
A lie, just like any man you'd been
Around. They proved how dumb
You were into thinking someone
Could love you without conditions.
"You're too stressful when your sick"
"You're stressing me out because you're in pain"
"It's your fault everything is a trash heap"
"Stop breaking things. Even if you can't use your hands, force them to work"
"You don't know the proper way to do dishes"

But you grew up,
You calculated and adapted to
The same type of person over and over again.
"You have to do this for me regardless of your feelings"
"You know that I would never hurt you right?"
"I promise I'll change"
"I'm sorry that I hurt you. It won't happen again"
"I didn't mean to yell at you"
"I promise I'll stop drinking"
"Please don't leave me"
"I can't do it without you."
Every empty promise had blurred together
Like a well with no water,
And you knew that everyone just lied,
That everyone loved the IDEA of you,
But not who you were;
Because they couldn't manipulate you
Or guilt trip you into things anymore.

You just...stopped feeling,
Stopped expressing emotions,
Hid your pain and illnesses,
Pretended like you weren't going to kill
Yourself,
And when the last person you see
Has snapped the remaining
Thread that you have,
You watch them leave through that door;
Your hands reaching for the bottle
Of pills in the desk,
So that when they return
All that's left is the body they abused,
But you are at last,
Free....