I want to apologize .
Miraculous Ladybug and Chat Noir had been a big part of my life , I was addicted to it , I really loved it and it had helped me get over something that had happened , but I can't say I love it as much as I used to . When I started writing the spoilers and theories books I was truly feeling excited , I felt like I had a duty you know ? I remember every day I would rush to check if there were any spoilers , try my hardest to think of good theories and I would literally scream when a new episode came out . It was truly exciting , I had a lot of fun , but this feeling started to faint away at some point . I didn't feel the same excitement as I used to , I didn't really feel happy , it felt like it was a burden , because I guess I started to lie to myself that I enjoyed what I was doing . But I felt like if I admited it , I would be hated and plus as I told you the show was there for me when I was feeling like taking a knife and pointing it at myself , eventually stabbing myself , it was there to cheer me up . It's a fact that I aged up with miraculous , made many friends and learnt a lot of things I wouldn't learn if I hadn't watched the show . However , the fact remains that I don't enjoy it anymore and I feel like I'm in debt to it more than thankful . I am thankful it was there for me , but it's time for me to learn how to move on . Honestly I'm so scared of being judged it's as if I can feel people blaming me right now that I'm writing this . But I don't want to feel that way . I want to be happy , I want to be able to be myself . Do I feel awful right now ? Yes , yes I do , but do I want to start being able to express and admiting my feelings ? Yes and I have to do this , before I turn into a coward again .
I also want to apologize because I have said some bad things in my miraculous spoilers and theories books . I have said bad things about some characters and I truly regret that . I'm sorry , looking at it back now I'm so ashamed because I really don't feel like my past me represents the me who talks to you right now . I have written down some inappropriate stuff too in other books probably , I'm just too ashamed of myself I'm really sorry . This is basically judging myself I guess and you know what it needs to be done . I don't know if I will delete miraculous spoilers and theories , because even though I have said some things I would rather forget , it's still a part of my life , it's my creation , it's something that took time , I have so many memories from writing this down , so do I really want to just Thanos snap everything ? Even though I don't agree anymore with some things I had said , I really don't know if I can get rid of it , I don't know if it will hurt me or if I will feel relieved . Is it a bad or happy memory ? I still can't tell . I made a lot of friends by writing these books and the first book of spoilers and theories was actually the very first book to reach such high read numbers . I really felt proud when that book reached 1K I was like "Wow did something I wrote go so well ?" , like for me it was unbelievable ! How can something that is not even original and made by a bad writer like me get so much appreciation ? The second book went even better and I was over the moon , I was so so so thankful that my hard work was paying off , I finally felt accepted by people , a feeling I seeked for a very long time . So no I still don't know if I want to delete these stories .
But , if I was finally feeling accepted , if I was making friends then why did this nice feeling fade away ? Well , setting lack of free time aside , I guess I opened myself to new things as well , and found happiness in other things as well , so I wasn't so dependant on Miraculous anymore . I could be happy with other things as well . But aside from that , I don't like the way things in Miraculous are now . I started liking Chloe as a character , because I thought that everyone can be a hero , if they really want to change for the better , but now Chloe is presented as irredeemable and because of that she can't be a hero , but no one is irredeemable . I have said a lot of bad things for Chloe , Kagami and Lila and I just regret it and I hate myself for that .
You can call me any names you want , go ahead , I hate myself too so more hate towards me won't really hurt me . What hurts me is that I couldn't stop of what others would think of me if I ever said what I say now . I'm still scared of other people's opinions , but I no longer want to adjust myself so people can like me , I want people to like me for what I am , I want to be more reliable by telling people how I truly feel , I want to stop fearing judgement , I want to accept myself for what I am , I want to be able to tell myself "You did well" , I want to be able to show love to myself , no matter how many friends I have , no matter which shows I like , if I can't be honest with myself then I can't truly love myself .
I'm sorry if you expected me to be different , I'm sorry I no longer like some of the things I used to like , I'm sorry I couldn't keep up , I'm sorry I like other things that characterize me more , I'm sorry I let my excitement fade away , I'm sorry I can't do anything else but apologize , I'm sorry I'm not perfect . I will never be perfect , I will always have flaws , I will always struggle , but isn't that what makes me human ?
Will I even come back to wattpad and being active again ? Yes I will , but this time with different stories , I will go out and show you what I like now , and I will no longer feel like I am making an unbreakable bond , I want to write various things , not just certain things . But I'm not going to make a promise of my work being good or realising soon , because I'm not confident in my writing skills yet and I am studying so I can get into a university . It's already a lot of work , so I don't know when I'll be super active again and if it will be any time soon .
The stories that will be left discontinued will be :
Tekken truth or dare (I still like Tekken , I am just out of ideas)
Miraculous Ladybug and Chat Noir Spoilers and Theories #3
No More Secrets ...
Hetalia Hunger Games Simulator (I am still super into Hetalia , but Hunger Games Simulator stories take A LOT of time)
I'm sorry if I let you down , I'm sorry if you enjoyed these stories and now you have to see them discontinued , but this is my final decision and although I feel sorry I won't change it .
That's everything I wanted to say and I hope for your understanding , but if you don't understand that's totally okay and if you have all the right to hate me and be mad at me , but my main goal isn't to get you to like me and adjust myself the way you want , my goal is to have fun doing what I want .
