Love Bound

The Gist Of Things

 Dear new diary, you need to get to know me a little before we go in. Life as me , you could call it complicated.  I am the girl who has been through things you wouldn't really expect someone like me  to go through.   Yeah,I look like I have it all together..but it's a whole other story.   I hate how I am. I hate how I care too much. I hate how I get too attached, I hate how I am naive to some situations.  I don't like sharing my feelings to people, and when I do it's all just a wreck!  I have no idea what's wrong honestly and it's so stupid.  My emotions are crazy. I am just an emotional wreck! No one and I mean no one, will ever understand. It's just a lot of things built up  that's made me how I am and I hate it.  Diary just know it's going to be a long a painful journey dealing with me.  I don't even know where to start. Hmm ... Past relationships with friends, family, people in general? Attitude? Okay, well as you know I have a hard time expressing my true feelings to certain people. I don't like hurting people but sometimes it tends to happen. I try to keep everyone happy but I've realized that totally doesn't work.  I could go on , and on, and on all day about times i've tried to keep a lot of people happy at once and at the end of the day it came back on me. Why does that have to happen? Why can't it go my way, at least sometimes..? I guess that's just life, in that case I hate life but I am grateful for the one I do have. Things just get so frustrating all the time and I get to the point where I don't know what to do. I lose people that I've never once thought I would  lose, I meet people that I wish i've never met. There have been plenty of nights where I have cried myself to sleep and felt like I just wanted to die. I just wanted everything to end and now I know I have to be prepared for more of that in the future..sadly. The relationships I have with people are ... hmm legit. I barely trust anyone anymore. I don't believe in promises.  Reasons?  The closet people to me have hurt me and It kind of caused me to hurt others but not intentionally. My parents made promises about things for the longest, my parents have kept secrets about things .  Not just the general promises your parents make to any teenager, the type of promises that will affect you and your whole life forever . Which it's too late for all that now, cause it's already happened . I wonder if Ill always be this emotionally damaged. But you know , no one would understand. They'll act like they care for you , and maybe they do but  everything is so temporary . At least that's what I think, when you have been through all you have ,as far as emotional abuse, you'll think this way.  Ugh ! But let's really get into things. 

Once  upon a time not to ,to long ago I meet a guy named Anthony . Before we get all into the story , something very valuable to know about me is I fall in love with personality and that was I did with Anthony , or at least I thought I did. When I first met him he was really nice and humorous . We instantly connected and gained a very close bond. I realized I started to like Anthony but I decided to keep quiet. As we progressed on Anthony confessed he liked me through a friend. So we were young...or younger than we are now and were very immature. Everything was seemed like all fun  and games . Our relationships would last three weeks then next thing you know we were breaking up. A very story made a little shorter.. Anthony made it seem like he was the perfect guy and honestly yeah , he was a cool guy. Even when me and Anthony didn't date, that was like my best friend . He was someone I felt like I could go to.  I trusted him and it was so easy to talk to him about almost anything In the world. He said it was the same for me. All my friends at one point despised him couldn't stand him one bit and I never understood why until his true colors showed. During the time when me and Anthony broke up we dated other people. He dated a girl name Maria and I was in the talking stage with a guy named Antonio. Antonio and I eventually got to know each other really well and were just friends. Antonio wanted to be more but I explained to him the past trials and tribulations with Anthony and he seemed to understand but was very impatient. I knew I couldn't because I still cared about Anthony more than I was suppose to but I wasn't the only one. He felt the same too. I and Anthony were texting and he explained to me that he and Maria broke up so we took another chance. That same day I was scrolling through my messages and I saw Maria's and she had a cute relationship quote as her profile picture . I then said "Aww who's your boyfriend ", and you're not going to believe who she said ...Yes my boyfriend Anthony. You know , I could have gotten upset at her,but why would I? So all I said was "Awee" and "Really" and I left it at that. You don't know how upset and hurt I was . Forgot to mention, I was out of town visiting family member's so my connection was the worst when trying to contact Anthony but when I did I wasn't happy. So that is  one but not the only story of why I have trust issues with guys. The list goes on and the story continues.  I and Anthony were done, I lost all trust for him and it needed to be gained back if we were to even be friends. I felt so stupid as any girl should feel when a guy tells them they aren't like other guys . Lesson learned..so I had thought. As I continued on with myself  more things had eventually happen that year and all ended the same. I was cheated  on, lied to, played with, and left looking stupid once again. One that year in particular where the worst of all . I took a chance once again after being hurt and went for Antonio ,who told me how different he was and never would hurt me . He cheated on me with a girl from all the way across the country. I saw the signs but he just kept denying . When the truth finally came out it hurt like hell. I was up all night crying not knowing what to do or think. I cried so hard I hyperventilated and had to go to the hospital. How could I let myself get like this over guy who was just like all the rest? I ask myself but I still don't know.