My Fathers Journal

Connections

I started reading right then and there and decided to go ahead and go to my room as I  didn’t want my mom to know I had found this. I went to my room and started reading.

“Day one, I started the program to day. That rehab program, for my drinking. It has gotten way to out of hand. I want to be there for my children as they grow up. I can’t risk not starting this program, and with a new baby on the way, I shouldn’t slowly kill myself with this addiction. But, what can I say, being drunk isn't the end of the world right? Its all ok if I don't do it in front of the kids right? God, I just feel like all of my problems go away when I'm drinking. And its so hard to give it up. But anything I can do to protect my children's future is what i’ll have to do.”

Now, you may not have noticed but within that first page, I found out something totally amazing, all these years, my mom and been lying to me and Ellie. My dad was Ellie’s dad and mom was trying to protect her! I had been lied to for years! I honestly can’t believe it, but i know i cant talk to mom about it or Ellie, so I keep on reading.

“Day two, I can’t take it anymore. This is been the longest I've gone without alcohol. And I’ve tried something new while I was drunk, meth. I’m so addicted now. I can’t stop and with out the drinking, i’m a mess a total failure. So i’ve been drinking again, and lets just say drugs and alcohol aren't a good mix I'm a mess and life is crazy the world is spinning and i think this weekend i’ll just take a weekend relaxer by my self.”

By reading this entry I knew that this must have been the camping trip he took and i can’t stand thinking that he had total control over what was happening but yet he just blaming other things… I know he was sick but couldn't he just stop and think?! i absolutely can’t stand the fact that he kept on drinking and getting high. Was that all that  was important to him, getting high and getting dunk??? But I keep reading.

“Day three, i told Callie that i was gonna take a break over the weekend to find my inner self, (Callie’s the mom) I brought my tent, food, beer, vodka, meth and what ever else i needed. One of those things was a gun, I thought this world was better off with out me. When I got to the camp site i set up and started writing in here, I also lighted up, and opened a cold one. Oh ya i just remembered that i brought my son and our dog with me! (we have no dog and Noah didn’t go with him, when you high you see things) Some one just came into the tent and attacked me! for my sons protection i shot this beast that attacked me.”

“Day four, this is the hardest thing i have ever wrote down but That beast that attacked me was my son. I killed my own dearest son. He had a future to look forward to and i ruined it all. I’m in jail now. I have no choice but life in prison. But i’m better off locked up. Everything is. Theres no alcohol or meth here; in this straight jacket. or padded room. But plenty of room to think, and plan, my next victim. My daughter, Samantha.