Oikage one-shots!

Male Fantasy.

Playing the music is optional as I won't be putting the lyrics, although I would recommend as it would make more sense. An explanation of the story is at the bottom.

Warnings: Brief mentions of eating disorders, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and rape. If you are uncomfortable with this please leave..

Toōru grew used to the silence of the apartment, grew used to the gut twisting hunger he refused to acknowledge as he walked past a refrigerator full of molding food.

He sat down in front of his lap and watched mindlessly at the pornography in front of him. A woman on her back, legs spread and a dick ramming in and out violently. God Toōru felt disgusted. He didn't like the way the woman was staring at the camera, at him. He gagged when she moaned dramatically and her eyes rolled back into her skull.

"Oh oh oh! Yesss! Righ-ah! Thereee!" Toōru twisted the rubber band in his hand tightly, gritting his teeth at the words coming from the laptops speakers. It didn't even look enjoyable.. it looked more like the male was getting off and the female was just.. there. Like a damn prop. 'That's how you felt, remember that?' Toōru was glad he had called his therapist after nearly a year of ignoring her texts and calls. He really did need help.

God, Toōru really needed to take that photo down. Brought back too many memories of him and Tobio. He loved him then and he.. still loves him now.. even after the scars and trauma that came with dating Tobio. God, when was someone else going to come around and take Tobio's place, someone better..

Toōru curled in his bed that night, sobbing. He had thought he was getting over Tobio, thought the nightmares and memories would leave his head when he slept at night but he was wrong. He was just convincing himself he was getting over Tobio. Convincing himself he was hating Tobio for his issues.

Toōru shouldn't be at the grocery store but here he is, in the dairy isle checking around every few seconds in hopes that Tobio would show. He never did. Toōru, left disappointed.

Toōru stared at the ringing phone displaying one of his high school friends name, Kunimi Akira. He remembered when the boy would always hang out with Toōru, they were always glued to the hip. Always were ever since Hajime died. God, what happened between them?

Toōru gripped the leather steering tighter, sobs wracking his body violently as he drove on the highway. Memories of him and Akira laughing and screaming songs out like idiots. Toōru felt the numbness creep into his body, it had become something reoccurring recently. He wiped his eyes and sniffled. God, he knew the deal. Knew when Akira chose his boyfriend over him that they were over. Why was he calling then?

But I loved you then
And I love you now and I don't know how
Guess it's hard to know
When nobody else comes around.

He gotten over Akira a long time ago. He had convinced himself it was for the best to forget about his best friend and made himself believe that Akira hated him. That was never true though, was it?

Toōru gripped the bedsheets as he shivered. He didn't wanna sleep with a blanket, he couldn't after what Tobio did to him under the blanket. Toōru laughed bitterly. Tobio. The man he loved, he had been thinking about him a lot more lately. Maybe because his lack of eating and his habit of throwing up was getting to him. Maybe it was the nightmares or the screams he remembered of himself yelling stop. He is supposed, has to, hate the person who took something precious away from him without consent. But.. he can't bring himself to hate Tobio. He could never hate Tobio because.. he still loved him.

Plot explanation: Tobio and Toōru started dating when they were in university. Toōru falling head over heels for Tobio not knowing what he would get himself into. Tobio, a addict, would regularly verbally abuse Toōru to the point Toōru became anorexic (mentioned briefly in the story). Tobio had made a promise to Toōru he would wait until he was ready, he didn't. He raped Toōru when he was high one night (I never wrote this bc.. that's absolutely disgusting and I'm not comfortable with that). Tobio left after sometime and this is Toōru's POV of him struggling through his day to day life of living with all the trauma.

I mentioned unhealthy coping mechanism as I want to add in order for Toōru to get away from all his thoughts and nightmares, he watches pornography. It allows himself to imagine what he and Tobio could have had.

I'm so sorry for making Tobio the bad guy, truly but uh.. I'm in that type of shitty mood.

That's all. Ciao.