3 A.M.

the room is pitch black when chuuya opens his eyes. he turns on his side towards the big lump huddled closely next to him, shivering underneath the blanket they shared.

"dazai?" he grunts softly, shifting a little. dazai gently rests his bandaged arm over chuuya's waist, burying his face into chuuya's neck.

tears fall on chuuya's skin, and he realizes that something is wrong.

"oh, dazai..." chuuya puts his arms around his lover, slowly combing through curly brown hair which feel so soft against his fingers.

chuuya, ever the good husband, lets him cry to release all the sorrow buried deep within him.
he does what he's always done. sitting through the sadness with dazai osamu.

"talk to me osamu." he says after dazai has somewhat calmed down. dazai makes a sort of choked, groaning noise in response.

chuuya sighs.
"i'm listening."

with a considerable amount of effort, dazai finally speaks.

"chuuya." he says with his whole heart.

"hm?"

"can you hold me tighter?"

and chuuya does. he holds him tight, as if he's holding the entire world in his arms.

"better?"

dazai nods in reply. he shifts a bit so that chuuya's arm doesn't get crushed under the weight of his body.

"i'll talk to you, just... give me a minute."

"okay."

they hold each other in a comfortable silence save for the sound of dazai's quiet sobbing.

"i had a nightmare chuuya."

"what sort of nightmare?"

dazai shifts again, pressing his cheek against chuuya's shoulder. "it was raining. i couldn't see anything in front of me. i walked in the rain for a while, and i saw something on the ground."

"what did you see?"

"i saw you." he absentmindedly reaches for chuuya's hand, fidgeting with the silver band around chuuya's finger. "your bones were all broken. it looked like you fell from a very high place, and somebody dragged your body out onto the road."

"i can control gravity dazai. i won't die from falling."

"i know. but it still hurts. the thought of you leaving me."
"chuuya, aren't you tired of me?"

"no." chuuya says. it was a simple, true answer. genuine, and without hesitation.

"what if i keep waking you up in the middle of the night like this? will you finally be tired of me then?"

"no."

dazai makes a pained expression, and mutters something under his breath.

"hm? what did you say?"

"i said..." dazai's hand playfully sneaks under the hem of chuuya's shirt. "... you're so good to me."

"well i did make the decision to marry you."

"and marry me you did." dazai sighs.
"do you regret it sometimes?"

chuuya frowns. "what do you mean?"

"...do you regret marrying me?" dazai asks, his eyes still pinned on chuuya's ring.

"no, i don't. why would i regret marrying you dazai?"

"why wouldn't you?" his voice is shaking. something in his mind starts becoming noisy. "what's so good about being stuck with me?"

why me?
why didn't you choose someone who deserved you?

"i'm not 'stuck' with you dazai. we're stuck to each other. besides, you're not a burden for me to bear, so don't say it as if... as if you are."

"but i can tell that you're tired chuuya."

dazai brushes his hand over chuuya's dark circles.

"you try so hard to be good to me."

"dazai-"

"but i know..." he pauses, looking into chuuya's soul through warm brown eyes. "...it's difficult."

chuuya's eyes widen, he wants to say no. say that it isn't difficult at all. but the words stay clogged in his throat, and nothing comes out.

"it's draining you. you won't admit it, because you're too kind, but i am a burden. chuuya... i'm killing you."

the broken child inside of dazai is crying, and he doesn't try to stop the tears from falling either. they slide down his face in heavy raindrops. i'm killing you. slowly...

chuuya's eyes are teary now. dazai thinks that maybe it's better if one of them leaves the other, no matter how broken hearted the both of them will turn out to be.

you're dying softly in my arms.

he vaguely realizes that chuuya's hands are holding his face, and the noise inside his pounding heart settles into an uneasy calm, like an overfilled balloon, threatening to burst.

"from the moment i married you, i knew it wasn't going to be easy. but you have to know that i love you more than i could ever tell you."
"even if i am suffering, i won't be the only one, because we're doing it together."
"being with you isn't hopeless. you aren't hopeless."

dazai's heart stutters and finally bursts.
it hurts. it hurts. it hurts.

"i know what you're thinking. you're thinking about leaving me. you think i deserve better, but i'm telling you right now that... you're all i have." chuuya's voice breaks, and dazai can feel himself breaking too.

chuuya then hugs him so tightly, he involuntarily melts into it. their hearts are pounding together, two tired souls resting against each other.

"you're all i have dazai. there's no one else. i only want to stay by your side."

dazai hugs him back, overwhelmed. his hands are scrambling to hold, to feel the warm body pressed against his own.

"oh chuuya..." he sobs. "i'm so glad..."

"i'm glad too." chuuya smiles softly. he rubs dazai's back in soothing motions.

"it's okay. i'm here."

"chuuya..."

"hm?"

"i'll try harder. i want to be good to you. it'll be hard, but i think if i have you, i'll be okay."

chuuya combs through dazai's now messy hair, and nods. dazai feels shy all of a sudden. "no matter what happens, we'll be together."

"always."

"yes. always."

it was dazai's turn to smile now. he picks up chuuya's hand brings it to his lips.

"i'm sleeping in your arms tonight."

chuuya laughs. "okay."

i love you. i'll keep loving you.