Rowden: Luck was never on my side

how did we get here

Rowan's mom had been pestering him to pick a sport, something that he could do in Highschool, but what should he choose? He was too short for basketball and didn't have the coordination for soccer, so he searched until he found something perfect for him, rowing. The plan was perfect, show up, tryout, and either row or become a coxswain.

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Days pass, but tryouts eventually roll around. His perfect plan had been set in motion. Everything was going well, until he saw what seemed to him to be a giant. He towered above the rest of the crowd, and his lanky frame moved somewhat clumsily on the erg. Some would say that it was love at first sight, but I would disagree. In reality, it was more like distraction, then ignorance.
In a way, it followed the pattern of the 5 stages of grief.
First, it was denial.

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I couldn't believe it, or rather, I didn't want to believe it. It didn't make sense, nothing made sense. So I ignored my feelings, and I continued on with tryouts as if I had never seen anything.
This strategy worked fairly well until the first week of training rolled around and I had to learn how to cox a boat (Yes, my 4' self was cast as a coxswain, big surprise).
I had been doing what I would consider to be an amazing job of avoiding the giant, just hoping that he wouldn't make it through tryouts so that I wouldn't have to deal with him. However, I had never had the best of luck,  which was proven right when I walked in on Monday and he was there. Standing casually as if nothing mattered, as if he wasn't towering over my heart. It wasn't fair. How could he just act so nonchalant when I'm over here dying, trying to act fine when I was so obviously not. It was painful, and made me angry. It was all so stupid, why me? Out of all people, why do I have to be the one with the size kink and unfortunate luck.

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Eventually, my anger subsided into a state of bargaining. I tried to reason with myself, saying that my heart is just being unreasonable right now, that these feelings aren't real. I would like to say it did something, but in reality, it did nothing. No matter how much I willed it not to, my heart was stubborn, and just couldn't unlatch itself from Aiden, the giant.
It was painful, having to hide all of this. My heart was heavy and I was jealous of everyone. How could they all act so normal and interact with Aiden like it was nothing. It was all just so tiring. I didn't understand any of this, and I never wanted it in the first place.
These feelings, they're so unnecessary and just seem to be doing nothing but weighing me down. Who knew that loving someone could be so painful?

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Near the end of our fall season, I had managed to accept what I felt. I'm not saying that I understood what these feelings meant, only that I could cope with them. Sure it hurt, but rejection would only be worse. For now, I will carry around my baggage of the heart, hoping for it to someday drain away, leaving nothing but an empty shell of what once was.

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I was doing well, I promise. My heart was nearing empty, and the emotions seemed to have subsided. But then he had shown up with a girl by his side. It hurt far more than it should've, seeing what could've been mine taken away so abruptly. It turned the sloshing water in my heart into shards of ice, piercing through the barriers I had constructed.
I couldn't hold it in when she introduced herself to the team as Aiden's girlfriend. Everything came rushing out of me, the chains no longer able to hold the floodgates closed.
I couldn't help myself, and it all burst out, "Aiden, I know that you don't feel the same way, but I just can't hold it inside any longer, I love you and I always have. Ever since I saw you at the first day of tryouts, I've only fallen further and further for you", tears were lining my eyes, taking a shaking breath I continued, "My heart aches every time I see you because I know that I cannot have you. It hurts. It hurts so much to love you. But that's the price I pay for being a lovesick fool".
I look at him with tears streaming down my face. There it is. I've laid myself out bare before him, yet all he can do is stare in bewilderment. I know that this isn't fair to him, he's just gotten a girlfriend and I go and do this. What a terrible person I am, but I couldn't care less.
Please just say something, I can't stand this silence, it squeezes at my throat until I cant breathe. All the air being sucked out in a shaky breath.
I soon realize that he's not going to respond any time soon, and at this point, I have the entire team gathered around us in a circle, all dead silent. I expect them to start laughing, almost want them to. I want something to fill this crushing silence, but no one offers anything.
I cant do this anymore, I have to leave. I cant stand the open mouthed stares, saucer wide eyes staring back at me. I'm a spectacle, something to be pitied. I hate that.
I hate everything here.
I hate that I'm running away from them all.
I hate that I love him.
I hate that he doesn't do anything to stop me.

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He doesn't talk to me, ignorance is his bliss.
I cant look at him without my throat swelling and a striking pain in my heart.
It's not fair.
nothing ever is.
I guess that luck was just never on my side.
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