What Ronald McDonald Did to Me

The Whole Story

Hey guys my name is Franklin. I am a 25 year old man. And I have a story to tell you all. An awful thing that's happened to me in the past. It was so bad for me that it made me never eat another burger ever ever ever again or fast food in general. I just can't stand it! I'm traumatized by it! But I'm here today to tell you a story about something that happened to me when I was younger. I just wanna get the demons out of my chest now and after it never tell this awful story again. So here we go! (I said that in a Mario voice but whatever)

Back during my 7th birthday party it was a dark, cold, and snowy winter night. And we were having my birthday party at McDonald's because when I was a wee lad McDonald's was my everything. I had The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald VHS tapes that I would watch religiously. Ronald McDonald was my Jesus Christ. So because of my love for McDonald's for both the clown and the burgers it was inevitable that my birthday party would be at one.

So my birthday party was going great. I had all of my friends from school and it was also a snow day so we had no school. So to a 7 year old like me that was like the most amazing day ever! With it snowing on my birthday, no school, and my birthday party being at McDonald's. Sign me up fuck yeah!

At the party I remember there being lots of burgers, fries, soda, and milkshakes. It was basically a poor man's Thanksgiving. But there were also games and activities. Like I remember there was a pin the donkey kinda game. But instead of pinning the donkey. We did it to the restaurant's manager. That was a really fun game, probably the second best thing that happened during the party. Like it let me let out my lil sociopathic side that lil kid me used to have. I remember hearing the manager scream of pain and torment with her bleeding from all the areas she's been poked at. But I just kept laughing and laughing so hard like causing physical pain was the funniest thing ever. But that wasn't the best part of the party for me. That part was about to happen.

The party was nearing its end and there was still no Ronald McDonald and his friends yet. I was starting to get sad and cry thinking my Jesus Christ wasn't gonna show up. But literally as I was getting sad and disappointed he wasn't gonna be there. I saw Ronald, Grimace, and Hamburglar walking from Ronald McDonald's goofy shoe shaped car. I saw Ronald carrying a bag full of what looked like burgers. And if you didn't know the burgers Ronald has aren't like any other burger. They are said to have a taste so good and amazing that if you aren't a burger believer you automatically become one. And if you're wondering how I already know of this. It's because there's a McDonald's encyclopedia that McDonald's used to publish yearly back when I was a kid, and I would read it because to me it was my bible. (nobody knew about these but sense I was a dumb follower I already knew about them the day of. I don't remember how I heard about them tho)

Ronald McDonald walks in the restaurant and yells "Happy birthday Franklin!" Ronald, Grimace, and Hamburglar started singing Happy Birthday to me. And after that my friends, their families, and my family join along with them singing Happy birthday to me. And after they get done singing. Ronald asks all the adults restaurant workers included to go outside since he wanted to do something with just the kiddos. And they all went outside following Ronald's orders. And even though that sounds really suspicious looking back on it. But as a kid I didn't think anything of it. Because it's Ronald McDonald. He was my literal lord and savior. But yeah now it looks oddly suspicious.

"Hey Franklin. Can you turn off the lights for a second? I got a big surprise I don't want you to see yet." said Ronald.

"Yeah I will." said me. I was so excited to actually have Ronald speak directly to me and tell me something to do. It was literally like nothing I ever experienced before. It was literally like Jesus talking to me because it basically was. And he also had me turn off the lights for my big surprise. I was so curious as to what it was. So I turned them off following his orders.