Chuuya/Dazai/Soukoku Oneshots

Will To Live(Dazai)

What makes us go on through the days, even when the whole world is falling down? When the people you loved the most disappeared and left you hurting for eternity? Everyone has at least one reason. Or a person they live for. Dazai Osamu is lucky enough, was lucky enough to have three of them. They were so different, it's unbelievable how much they meant to him. How much they saved him from the cruel world and reality of this life. And mostly, from himself.

You know, most people tend to think that my story begins with my entrance and gain of power in the Mafia. It isn't like that actually. My dark side always existed. My depression too. I can't really seem to remember a time in my life when I felt everything was fine, alright and not like everything was falling down and I needed to be apathic in order to stay sane.
The ironic part is that, even after becoming not able to feel empathy for the others and not even for myself, I still couldn't avoid being mentally instable in the end.
Isn't existence so inspiring and interesting, in this sense?
We always try our best to survive through the challenges of life with a normal mind, but most of us fail.
We get called sociopaths, psychopaths and get medicines prescribed by doctors to make us "normal" again. But the point is, maybe we never were from the start. They think they know what we feel, but how can you understand someone that can't even recognize good from bad? Or that maybe is conscious about the fact that something is in fact bad, but they can't explain why?

I think that most of the times, people put me in the second case. They guess I am able to identify and differentiate evil actions from positive ones, but when I do something wrong, I can't understand why it is wrong.
Well, they are probably right. This type of idea may also applicate to my point of view when it comes to living.
Exactly. Why do we exist? What is our purpose in this planet? Are we really here for a specific reason or duty to fulfill? Does this make any sense at all? In my opinion, it doesn't.
Before joining the Mafia, at 14, I was completely empty. My soul could have been compared to a void, that maybe needed to be filled. Or did it, really? I never thought about that, at the time.
But anyways, my suicidal tendencies were extremely evident and pressing. They were there. Was it the lack of parents? The lack of a guide, a mentor? Who knows. I just wanted to die, that was for sure. I had no will to live. No one to breath for, fight for, live for. Yeah, I had only myself, but I hated my own being. I actually feel like I still do now.

So basically, encountering Mori was a kind of eye-opening experience to me. Don't get me wrong: it was not in a good way. It actually made me realize how evil and dark I could be, once I unlocked my true self. Once I would allow my inner thoughts and instincts to come out, with no restrictions. He was lucky to have found someone like me. He didn't have to teach me anything about how cruel and insensible I had to be, to stay in the Mafia. It was already in my nature.
I would have probably found a method to kill myself before knowing him, If I knew what I was going to transform into in the future. But in a way, he stopped me from killing myself.
Should I be thankful about it? I don't think so. I never will, perhaps. However, that is what happened when I was 14 almost 15 years old.
Even though he didn't allow me to die because he needed me for his wicked plans, that doesn't mean that I wanted to live.
I still had no will to keep on breathing. I was doing such terrible acts without even believing in their uselfullness. Just because Mori ordered me to.

Then, the first 2 people that changed my life in this sense appeared. They were obviously Chuuya and Odasaku.
They were able to move me in a way it never happened before. They were interesting to me, which was almost impossible. I was always bored. The universe sparked interest in me, not human beings. Well, they were different, and still are, to me.
They were also interested in me. Which was even more incredible to believe.
Everyone I had known until then obviously thought of me as a weirdo, a crazy dude, but they had never tried to get to know me better and tried to understand me. I am well aware it is almost impossible to do so, but Odasaku didn't care at all. He even enjoyed passing time in my company, talking to me and listening to my mad ideas and philosophies.
He judged me too, of course, but never in a disrespectful way. As an executive, he was one of the most reliable, humble and also sympathetic subordinates. And you have to trust me when I tell you that, people like that are really rare in the Mafia world.

He has always been a special kind, though. In our work, we all kill someone. Or hundreds, thousands of men and women in order to get things done. He didn't want to murder anyone. A Mafioso that didn't kill.
Truly amazing and intriguing right? He was so gentle, such a nice man to be around, always having your back and ready to risk it all for you in the extreme situations.
I also think he was the first one to consider me as a friend, too. A really close buddy to cry with and confide to.
And what made me change for real was the fact that he wished for me to be happier, to become a good guy, because he truly cared.
All of these facts made his death the most tragic and impactful event in my whole life. Which is quite astonishing, considering how many things I have seen until now.
I genuinely cared for him too, another strange feeling for me to get.

And then came Chuuya.
Oh boy, what an incredible encounter.
He is the complete opposite of what Oda was. Violent, short-tempered, and short too which makes me laugh, but one thing in common is... Loyalty. He is the most loyal man I have ever witnessed to know.
He also cares for me, in a very complex way. He rarely shows it, but If I am in great danger, he doesn't hesitate to display his true feelings. As for me, I can't explain what is going on and what we were in the past... We just happened, I guess. Two outstanding partners, for sure.
I would say it was meant to be, for us to meet. I could never, never, compare anybody to him. He changed me too.
I wanted to live after knowing him, just to annoy him. But also to be there when he needed to be stopped after using curruption. He would literally die without me, if he lost control unleashing his true power. One thing he said also made me reflect a lot on myself: he asked why I wanted to end it all so bad. Normally people have had always ignored me when I told them I wanted to commit suicide. To add more, he made me realize that risking my life made me feel alive. Quite ironic, huh?
So yeah, a thousand words wouldn't be enough to describe him. My dearest friend had told me that, no one would ever fill the emptiness of my soul. I guess he didn't consider Chuuya...

Last but not least, Atsushi saved me from that river dive I was trying to do.
The first day we met, I was pissed off because of that, and I would have never been able to predict the future with him. How he made me want to be even a better person than what I intended to be because of Odasaku's wish. The reason was, he was in need of help and in need of a guiding figure, a mentor, a somewhat fatherly figure too probably. And God knows how, that affected me a lot. Maybe because I had a terrible role model who taught me such filthy and nasty stuff, that raised me to become the worst and most evil version of me. Maybe just because I needed to fulfill Oda's last words by saving, or at least trying to, someone from themselves. No one did that for me, so maybe I wanted Atsushi to get a more positive growth progress.
I just know that, even if I have to fake it and not tell him the cruel truth about my dark side, I wish to be a good guide for him. He deserves it. Everyone does.

Author's Note
Oof, this was a long and hard one to write. I hope there are no typos and it is still entertaining to read. Byee💫