Chuuya/Dazai/Soukoku Oneshots

Wine(Chuuya)

Life has never been easy. I guess it's pretty obvious in my case. It is an understatement to say that I've been through a lot, I suffered a lot, and that made me stronger. One thing that I was kind of proud of in the past, because it is no longer like that unfortunately, was my skills to avoid getting attached to people.
If I didn't particularly like someone or hate them, they wouldn't cause me any harm. I wouldn't be worried or anything similar. Well, I wish I could go back to the time I could just rely on my strength. I mean, my colleagues in the Mafia since I entered it, showed me respect, and maybe even affection to some point. And the feeling was mutual.
I felt proud of them when they would achieve the goal that was set by the boss, followed the orders or even just when they survived a mission. Because when you work in our world, life is never to be taken for granted. You could die today, tomorrow, or maybe just getting bruises and scars. But every possibility is taken into consideration, we know what we are willing to risk when we start.
Maybe I had another choice, I could have said no to Mori's invitation into his team. At the time, though, it wasn't like that. I felt like my time had finally come: I could shine and give an advantage to the organization, thanks to my monstrous power.

There was a price to pay to use it: I would literally have to consume myself to the core, in order to destroy the enemies. Self-destruction was the only way to cast all the rage of my internal calamitous God, and probably to win the hardest battles.
They had to find a method to stop me, before I would kill myself without even noticing or being able to do anything about it.
And that was when my whole existence changed.
I couldn't keep on saying that I was able to distance the others for me, enough to be apathetic towards them and their pain.
Because since then, Dazai Osamu became the source of my sorrow, sadness, anger... But also the one that made me feel alive, perhaps truly, for the first time. No one made me feel so frustrated, not satisfied, annoyed, irritated, yet... So lonely when he wasn't with me. So empty. So dull, like nothing really mattered to me at all.
I soon realized that he was the only person able to get me weak, fragile, doubtful... And yet made me stronger and allowed me to use my true power, stopping me in time right before I would die.

I didn't understand what I was going through. Dazai was too much. He was too much for everyone he knew. The whole universe was probably shocked too, by seeing what an incredible human being he was and still is now. The only thing I knew was, that I was fatally and inevitably attracted to him. I couldn't stop it, I can't deny it. I can lie to myself, but my actions always speak louder. Even when we became enemies, I couldn't handle the thought of being on a different side. Of not being by his side, fighting for and with him, showing off to the world that we were amazing as partners. We were unstoppable.
And the reason why I am reminiscing, is because I am in the port Mafia's bar,the one I usually come to. To drink, of course. It is nothing new: I have always loved tasting wine. It's the best ending to our exhausting and terrible days. A sort of comfort, and strrss-relieving tool. My problems is, I am a lightweight, which means I get drunk really fast. And apart from collapsing or falling asleep, alcohol makes me incredibly and brutally honest. It makes memories come back to mind, and I am always afraid I could drown in them.

We shared so much during the years we spent together as a team, that sometimes it's overwhelming to even think about it.
We were like one soul splitted into two different bodies, acting very differently, yet always finding a compromise between our mind sets. We were complementary to each other, and dividing us was not even a possible option. It would have been a bad idea for both of us:we were better in unison, being alone would only hurt our bond and relationship.
Guess what? He left. He didn't give a warning. He said nothing to me. Like I was a stranger to him. Like we were never nothing, nothing ever happened. He just disappeared.
Even though I now know the reason behind his decisions, even though I can't still forgive him for what he did, when that day came, I was destroyed.
I knew nothing about it. I just saw him get out of my life, slipping away, without getting a chance to talk to him and convince him to stay. I don't know If I would have been able to stop him from leaving, but at least I would have tried. Now, I wouldn't feel this pain weighting my chest and this regrets that will sooner or later drive me crazy, I think.

But going back to the night of his departure, I felt so let down, so depressed and so cheated on, that I had to drink some wine. I mean, a lot of it. And it had to be a special one.
The one I spoke to him about, the specific '89 one.
What I said to Dazai was that, I had opened that bottle to celebrate. Because I couldn' t stand him, because I hated him and I was happy he finally had went away.
Those words were probably the biggest lies I have ever told to anybody.
I actually needed that alcohol, instead, to handle the pain. To stop thinking about him. To try to forget him and stop caring. Well, it didn't work. It never worked. It never will.
So I got so drunk that for days I wasn't feeling well, I was sick, and had no will to live at all;then I remembered who I was.
Chuuya Nakahara. I couldn't allow myself to get so down for another men. It was way too much.
That doesn't mean I am over it. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore. And that doesn't mean that I won't be here again, drinking to relieve some stress, ending up remembering everything and smiling sadly at the truth, again.
I am sure this won't be the last time.
But I guess I will be fine, eventually.
If not, wine will never leave me, right?

Author's corner
I hope this was interesting to read and also in a good English, because I am not a native speaker :D
Have a nice day wherever you are from, and I will (I hope) see you in the next one <3