The Broken Girl

This is me.

My name is Niya Janae Katoya Wilson. I know what you're thinking right now, "Her name is so long." And, well, in the flesh it's just Niya. Fun fact is that my first two initials are from my parents' names, Nick and Jane. My parents are separated, so I live with my mother. Even though I usually visit my father, he and my mother argue a lot. My mother gave birth to me on August 15th 2006, yes, I am a leo. The best zodiac sign in the world. I like and dislike an extremely great number of things. For instance, pizza. I love pizza, I'm in love with pizza, I am obsessed with pizza. That doesn't change the fact that I also love dancing. Which I lost track of due to the amount of trauma I have been through, but we will get into that later on...
I have a large number of siblings, meaning eleven of them. Well, I actually disowned two of them, so personally, I have 9 siblings. I disowned my mother's daughter Clarisa because I have a feeling that she hates me even when she claims she doesn't. She and her son Denvor had been living with my mother and I for over three years. When I first found out in 2018, I was excited, happy and full of joy. I mean, who wouldn't be happy having a big sister to be around and a nephew to look after and protect. At the start, it was amazing, but as time passed, she started to be more annoyed with everything. I believe most times that even if I breathed, she'd get upset. My mother always told me to ignore her negative comments, but it hurts to hear someone who you love so much talk badly about you. She always says that I am so rude and that my mother will see my true colors one day. I don't know wh  at I did to   this type of treatment. She knocks over my stuff just to upset me and watch my reaction, so she can go and run to my mother about how "disrespectful" and "rude" I am. I guess some people deserve to be loved from a distance. I don't claim my father's son Amir. While I was 6-7, I was sexually assaulted by Amir who was 13 at the time. One day my dad brought my two sisters, Kay and Kii, over along with Amir. I didn't think of it in any way because I was young, and they were also my siblings. Kii being the older sister, my dad thought that she was responsible enough to look after us for a couple of hours while him and my mother were at work. We played games and laughed at each other. As time passed, Amir asked to play a game of tag. I said no at first, and then he said "Come on, it'll be fun." But, I being who I am, I said yes the second time. He ran upstairs, and I ran after him. He walked into my room and hid behind the door. After that, I went to the room and as I look behind the door, he shut it. I stated: "What's wrong, Amir?". He looked at me weirdly. I felt my hand being grabbed, and as I looked down, I was pulled to him. He pushed my head down to his pants, and as I tried to leave, he didn't allow it. I've dealt with this for 9 years and just told my parents May 2021. I feel stupid for just sharing it with them, but I am glad that I got it off of my chest because that's all that I think about sometimes. I get anxious and feel as if I'm about to faint every time I even start to think about it. My parents were very upset. I was tired of feeling guilty for a situation where I was the victim. I got tired of feeling disgusted every time I look in the mirror and keeping things in that needed to get out. I got so use to helping people with their situations that I didnt know how to deal with mine. I started cutting myself from November 2020, but my parents do not know as yet because most times I try to bring up how I feel, it turns into an argument. I just wish that sometimes I could go back in time to change certain things. Most days I sit down and think about all my problems and try to find ways to run from or escape them. I was also sexually harassed in school by a boy named Romeo. I didn't tell anyone about it because I have a reputation that cannot be ruined. I just let it slide, but I think about things like that too. I get called certain names for my weight like Harambe, Hercules, Shrek and etc. My nephew Denvor told me that he hated me more than 2 times already. That's painful, I guess. Those things hurt, but I never say anything about it because I love to see people laugh. I'd do anything to see someone smile. Especially if it is someone I care about. My nephew Denvor told me that he hated me more than 2 times already. That's painful, I guess.

November 11th 2021

    You all wouldn't want to know what happened today. I started my morning off by getting ready for school in a fantastic mood. When I got done getting ready, I made my way down the stairs to meet Clarisa standing in front of the steps facing me with a grouchy look. I ignored it and continued to walk through the dining room and set my book bag on the ottoman in the living room. As I entered the kitchen to pack my lunch bag, Denvor came stomping down the stairs. He made his way to Clarisa and repeated the words "You betrayed me, you told mama what I said", by "mama" he means my mother Jane. I was curious, but Clarisa was also until Denvor said "I told Mama that you said Niya was rude and that she would soon see Niya's true colors." I was confused and in shock to hear the statement that came out of Denvor's mouth. Is this how my sister talks about me behind my back? Is the thing that she thinks of me? I can't believe it. I was upset, angry and sad all at the same time. I think to myself every day what I have to do for her to love and accept me.
After I packed my lunch, I thought that it would be good to get some food into my system since I don't usually eat in the mornings. I had put some waffles into the toaster and grabbed a cup for some peach lemonade. I set the cup down and as soon as I turned my head, Clarisa knocked the cup over. I got so upset to the point where I wanted to give her five great slaps. I got my waffles and finished pouring my juice and went to the dining room table to sit down and eat. My mother shook her keys to let us know that she was coming to drop us off at school. As we got in the car, I told my mother all about the situation, you could see that she was very disappointed and angry. I tried not to push the situation further knowing that my mother's pressure was very high, but my mother always wanted me to be comfortable and alright in my own space. She told my other sister Sharan about the problems because this isn't anything new to her knowledge. Sharan was upset because she does not live in our state and couldn't do anything to defend or protect me. Sharan has always been my favorite sister, she loves and cares for me, and sometimes I feel as if she doesn't get enough support in her life as she should. I always thought to myself that when I get older, and I am able to make more money, I will help her with anything that she needs, and I still mean that. She is the mother of my beautiful niece Jayana and my wonderful nephew Jaymari. Jayana and I are like best friends even though there is a 5-year age difference. I tell her all my secrets, and she does the same, we have mini sleepovers and just have fun with each other. Jaymari is my birthday twin, yes, my sister had him on my birthday. Jaymari and I have a great relationship, well at least better than me and Denvor. I guess it's just how some people work.