My best friends crush

27. I deserve punishment.

After a while I decided to go home. It was late, so I called an Uber. When I finally got home I fell asleep in an instant.

+++

Christmas break was one week away. Me and Ryan hadn't talked anything after Sophie's party so I was going to try and talk to him after school today.

I hope he still wanted to spend Christmas with me. I liked the idea of spending more time with him. And I was really looking forward to meeting his family.

I tried looking for him at school, but he was nowhere to be seen.

He wasn't in any of the classes we had together, so I asked Tyler if he knew where he was, but he didn't know anything either.

After school I caught up on some homework in the library before going home. I kept wondering where he was, and I started to grow worried.

I pickup my phone and called him. I sat in my couch waiting for him to pick up for a good minute, and just as I was about to hang up he answered.

"Hello?" He said in a tired and groggy voice. It sounded like he had just woken up.

"Why weren't you at school today?" I asked getting straight to the point.

A long pause before he answered. "I just didn't feel like going." He lied. Or at least it sounded like a lie.

"Ok?" I said confused. "So you're not sick then?" I asked to be sure.

"No, I'm fine." His voice was still deep and groggy.

I cleared my throat. "Ok good." A long moment of awkward silence. "Would you maybe, want to—come over?" I asked nervously. I didn't know why, but I just felt a sudden urge to see him.

"Is there something wrong?" He asked with his voice growing worried.

"No, I just—want to see you." I started nervously tapping my foot.

"Oh, ok. I'll be there in a little." He said before hanging up. I released a breath I had been holding.

I don't know why I wanted him here. Like what would we do, just hang out? That was not like us. We never did that.

I quickly ran into my room as I realized I wasn't wearing any trousers. I pulled a pair of baggy shorts on and went out to the living room again.

I continued to just sit there waiting for him. I was nervously tapping my foot up and down, and I almost jumped up as he knocked on my door.

"Hey." I said as I opened the door for him. I stepped away from the door and I heard him close it behind him.

When I at last looked at him I was shocked by his face. He was blue under his left eye. Purple and slightly yellow too. And he had a red line on his right cheek. It looked like it was going to scar.

He threw his jacket over a chair and looked at me again. He saw the fear in my face. "What happened to you?" I asked and stepped closer to him.

I reached out a hand to touch his face, but he backed away. "Don't." He said and looked down.

"Ryan, tell me what happened." I said again. He looked down in embarrassment.

"It's not important." He said and avoided eye contact with me.

"Of course it is. You're all beaten up." My voice grew more historically.

I knew he was a fighter, maybe this had happened to him under a fight? "Did this happen under a fight?" I asked carefully.

He finally met my eyes. "Yes." His answers were so short. He wasn't giving me anything, he wasn't—letting me in.

"Please talk to me?" I pleaded. His expression was blank. His face so emotionless.

"This is what I do, ok? So just leave it alone." He raised his voice slightly. "No it's not."

I walked over to him again, but this time he stood still. I put my arms around him pulling him into a hug. At first he just stood there, but then he finally embraced me. He rested his head on my shoulder as I held him tightly.

"At Sophie's party I met a girl I used to fuck around with. She started dancing on me trying to lead me on again." He said into my neck.

"I want to be better, Tessa. For you." Tears began to press on my eyes. "That's why I told her it was a mistake. And I apologized for messing with her. But she became furious, and very upset with me." That must have been the girl I saw him with at the party.

"Before I never would have cared about making things right with her, but you've changed me. Or you are making me want to change." I stayed silent the whole time letting him speak.

"And I deserve punishment. I deserve to be punished for my actions." Tears ran down my face as I realized what he meant. He had let himself get beaten up to punish himself.

"No—no. You don't deserve that." I hissed into his chest. "I do." He said quietly.

"You've done many wrongs, but getting yourself beaten for it is not the solution." I pulled back to look at him.

His lip was shaking and his eyes had turned glossy. "You apologize to her, that is plenty. And it's not your fault if she isn't willing to accept it." He stayed silent looking at me.

I felt my heart shatter at the thought of him doing that to himself. I never want him to do that to himself, never.

"Don't ever, and I say ever—think for one second that you deserve something like that." I said strictly trying to fight my tears.

He swallowed hard and buried his face in my neck once again. I brought him over to the couch and he laid down with his head in my lap. He seemed so tired, so I tried to get him to fall asleep.

I brushed my fingers through his dark and messy hair. Not even a slightest bit of product in it.

He was so tense. I realized it first when he finally relaxed. I watched his face as he slowly drifted away. His breathing became heavier, so I guessed he was asleep.

I brushed my thumb over his scarred cheek. He was so beautiful, even with his face all messed up. He was still beautiful.

We usually never spoke about stuff like we did today. Or opened up to each other. Or at least he didn't. I always thought I was the messed up one, since he never told me things like this. It must be hard keeping everything to yourself.

But today he had finally opened up to me. I was happy about it, and happy to get to know more of him. And at the same time I felt such sympathy for him.

When we first met, things went fast. A little too fast. Actually we barely knew each other when it first started. We were just craving each other so badly that none of it seemed to matter.

But if we were to try again. If this is the start of us trying again. Then we will take it slower. Or at least try to.

The one thing that really broke down in our relationship was trust. And now we were slowly building it up again.

"Please don't break my heart again." I whispered and kissed his forehead.