Public diary <3

Log 7 😕😕

A/n: so recently I haven't really been all that well. This time I don't think it's about my physical health I think it's about my mental health. My energy to write has been going down and I've been lacking motivation. I used to be so happy to write and see all the comments and reply, I felt important and special. Now I get a unsettling feeling when I have to write. I think that my writing isn't good enough. I feel like people hate me. I mean I can't blame them I hate myself too.

I have no idea where my story (finding my demon) is going. I'm planning on making a big chapter for the 50th one you know like a celebration but I don't know how long it's gonna take because of the way I've been feeling. I was thinking on making it like a recap of all the previous chapters. I'm think I'm gonna make it around 10k words but idk. I made a 2k word chapter in my other book (peter Parker one shots) it took 3hours so maybe I can do it.

If I keep feeling like this then I don't know if I can keep the story going. I really don't wanna stop 'finding my demon' but I keep on writing with no motivation what's the point? The whole point of the book was for me to have a safe place. To feel a exit from this world, but now I'm in school again and I'm not online! A new school not even that a new middle school! I found friends! I found my circle! They also like kpop and they've become my everything. They talk to me they make sure I'm okay they love me. They are my safe place now.

But I haven't been to school in 2 weeks because my mother got corona and I can't go back until next week. Ive been back online and I've lost all motivation. I fell back in this hell hole. I feel sad and angry. I see Snapchat's of my friends hanging out without me. I feel left out. I feel sad. This time no one can help me. I don't get comments on my post anymore. I don't talk to my friends anymore because I haven't been in school. I've been fighting for the next day, but it's so hard. I miss the loud school, the friend group, the writing,I miss it all and I'm trying not to. I miss them so much because they were my comfort. The loud school made me remember my siblings playing with me. It reminds me of elementary school when everyone was my friends. The friend group made me remember I'm special to someone. That people actually like me. The writing made me remember when I liked doing this as a hobby. It made me remember the happiness I would gain from this. It was such a safe place and now it's gone and I'm going insane. I feel lost without it.

I so young I don't need to feel this way.

I should've feel this way.

But i do.

And I'm so scared.

Please i just need comfort, I need someone to talk to without dumping my problems on them like they're a therapist. (I've been the therapist friend and it sucks, no one really cares for you yk)

I just want a friend. Please.

-sunflower 🤍