Journal Of My Journey

Title? Lol

Starting with today because its my journal and I can write whatever I wish. It's currently 11:33am, Monday morning. I don't have work today, in the middle of feeling happen and wondering how I will keep my mind off everything that tends to make me feel sad. At least when I'm working the only re accruing thought is I'd like to go home, for the most part. I work at Home Depo as an OFA, online orders come in and I shop for people items and get them ready to be picked up. Doesn't seem to hard right? That's what I thought when taking the job, 13.50 an hour, part time and all i have to do is shop for people. Lol. It's okay until someone wants hundreds of pieces of lumber or drywall or large doors/windows. Luckily everyone at my works likes me and is willing to help. A lot of ur staff is older, i friends with most of the younger kids there, mainly the boys seeing as I'm the only female in my department. I don't mind many of the time boys are a lot chiller than the females around my age. There are a couple teenage girl cashiers Ive never spoken to them nor do I have an interest in being retire friend. They seem stuck up to me, like all the attention needs to be on them. I also have tendencies to judge people based of how I see them carry them self's and talk to others, sometimes is a downfall of mine but most of the time my intuition is right. But i wont blame my mental health problems on the depo, I've struggled most of my life. Not good living conditions, toxicity and constant arguing left me with anxiety. It's always been manageable never because a part of my everyday life until about a year and a half ago when I started dating my boyfriend.
He is my first boyfriend and my first real love. Would do anything for this kid and for the longest time i did. Anything he wanted i gave into, anytime he wanted to go get food i caved. I know it doesn't sound bad but i was paying for everything. It got tot the point where it was almost normal for him to reach for my wallet when we went out. And i know what your thinking red flag alert. But it stem'd from his parents, anytime he spent money especially money on me he got in trouble, at 18 graduated high school  and going to collage his parents controlled his money. Me being the girlfriend i am, wanting to go out and go to the movies and do fun things just paid all the time so he wouldn't get in trouble. Finically I was struggling at times, I've given that kid my last $20 so he could buy food. I didn't mind doing all this until I realized the favor would never be returned. And he was no longer Grady full for everything I was doing. Did that stop me from providing for us, no. What it did was takes a mental tole on me, daily. We had eventually talked about it in a somewhat but not really fight. Im the type of person who doesn't lie fighting because u grew up around that for 16 years, I actually despise abusive verbal fighting, its one thing to talk about the relationships problems and respect each other while doing so. It's another to show your true colors and how mean you can really be towards me.  About 5 months or so ago we were arguing I don't remeber what about, but I remeber me having an anxiety attack which I've never had in my life and you not giving two shits. I remeber how you've hurt me over and over and broken the trust i had for you. Yes we are still together in secret, because all of our friends around us think that he dumped me and i got over it. But its hard to say goodbye to the only person you've been like this with. Ive gotten closer to him than anyone else, shared experiences with him I've never told anyone, shared my deepest secrets and he still stuck around. My life isn't pretty I live in a shitty trailer in a small town. I was scared for the longest time for him to see where i live, its not something I'm proud of just something i dont have much control over at the moment.