Our Story (Tronnor)

I'm Sorry

(A little trigger warning in this chapter, because it's mostly gonna be pretty sad yet fluffy, sorry. grab some tissues maybe? xx)

T R O Y E

"Troye, I found your razors." As soon as Connor pronounced the word 'razors', I lost it. 

"C-Connor, how did you find those?" My voice was breaking, and stuttering. Everything inside me has shut down.

"I was looking for new clothes and I was looking through your drawers," Connor started to speak, and I could see little dropletts of tears fall to his cheek from his bloodshot eyes. "And then it just so happens one of the drawers were filled with them."

I just look down to the floor, knowing nothing to say. The room is filled with extreme silence. Until Connor asks me a question that makes my heart drop.

"Show me your arm." Connor sternly said, holding back his tears. I guess he's never noticed my arms before because I was always wearing sweaters or anything to cover up my arms. Or well atleast, I only wore them around him only. I didn't want Connor to worry about me, I didn't want to take up space in his mind just about me.

"Connor," I start to say, trying to convince him to not let me show him.

"No Troye, show me." Connor snaps back.

I let out a whimpering sigh, slowly rolling up my sleeves. My breath hitches every second as I roll up my sleeves, I could already feel tears falling down my cheek. My entire sleeves are rolled up now, and there they are, the red marks that made me feel like I deserved to feel the pain. These cuts were from 6 months ago, when I took a break from it. But they were still there. Still visible, still deep.

Connor reaches out in front of me to grab my hands, looking down upon them. He's shaking his head, sniffling here and there. Then, I feel a teardrop fall onto my arm, causing me to cry even more.

He pulls away from my arms, dropping his head into his hands. I hear him crying again, which makes my heart shatter into a million little pieces. I can physically feel my heart dropping, my tears going down with it.

"Why didn't you ever tell me Troye?" Connor looks up at me from his hands, which were covered in tears. 

"I couldn't, I didn't want you to worry about me one single bit. If I told you, I was scared that you would run off thinking I'm a freak and tell everyone. Only my family knows about this Connor, no one else. I've gotten really close to telling someone but, I stop myself. Because what if they just don't care? What if they don't care if I'm even alive anymore? Because I know damn well that I don't want to be here anymore, I serve no purpose here." I let it all out.

"I wanted to end it, Connor, I really did. I suffered so fucking much that I couldn't take it anymore. I was getting so much hate and was bullied every single day at school, that's why my parents took me out of public school and put me in homeschooling. They thought it would be better, but they thought wrong. Everything followed me back and my depression got the best of me. For the past 3 years, I was taunted by these thoughts in my head that were urging me to end it all. But, something made me not do it, I don't know what." That was my explanation, nothing else.

I look up to see Connor's reaction, and he's just staring at me. Staring at me with his green eyes crowded with tears, surronded with red little lines, staring at me. And everytime he blinked, tears trickled down his cheeks.

"Troye, why? Why do you think that you serve no purpose here? Why do you think you have over 3 million viewers? Why do you think you have a family who still supports you and loves you? Why do you think you have me?" Connor asks all these questions at once. I shrug, because I really don't know why.

"Because you make people happy. You make other people's lives worth living Troye, you make me happy. Because Lord knows if you weren't here anymore, if you would have ended it in the first place," Connor stops in the middle of his sentence, looks down to the floor, and starts crying so much harder. 

Seeing Connor cry, because of me, makes me experience the worst possible feeling of pain there is. This hurts me so much more. 

I move slightly towards Connor, putting my arms around him. And I started crying more too, as this affected the both of us so much.

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry." I pull away from Connor, looking back down on the floor, letting out all of my emotions. 

Connor notices that I'm crying, and turns around to face me. He lifts up my head, causing our eyes to meet.

"Troye, please, just promise me you'll never do this again. I don't, I can't let it go any further. If I lose you, I lose myself. I can't be in a world without you, Troye. I need you here. Whether or not we're still together 5 or 10 years from now, I still want you here. I still want that boy who made me the happiest I've ever been in those 5 years to be here, making me or someone else happy. You, you deserve happiness Troye, and I wouldn't mind spending my entire life giving it to you. That's all I want, for you to be happy with yourself, deep down, always. Because, I love you Troye."

And within those minutes of Connor speaking, every sentence led to every tear falling down my face. His sincere words, made me feel so secure and, if anything, needed. 

Before I could cry anymore, I say back to Connor, "I fucking love you so much, with all of my heart and all of me." With that, I collapse into his arms, closing the distance between us with a tight, safe hug, and release all of my extra tears.

We pull away from the hug and our eyes meet. He gives me this little smile, reassuring me that he was going to stay.

Connor quickly got up from the bed and walked over to my drawers. He opened the drawer that had the razors in it. What was he doing?

"Connor, what are you doing?" I ask, trying to make sense of what he's trying to do.

"I'm throwing these away, you don't need them anymore. Because I'm gonna do my absolute damn best to try to make you happy enough to not harm yourself anymore."

With that, I couldn't help but smile, and shed a few tears.

He actually, truly cared.

I walk up next to him, and look at him. "I think I know why I didn't end it in the first place."

Connor looks up, "Why?"

"Because I was waiting for someone to come in my life and save me, save me from all my worries and my doubts. Someone to hold me when I couldn't handle myself, someone to always be there when nobody else would, someone to love me. And I've found that someone," I stop in the middle of my sentence, and intertwine Connor's hands between mine.

"And that someone is you." 

Finally, new chapter!! I didn't wanna leave you hanging with the cliffhanger at the end of the last chapter. Did you cry?!?! I did. Next chapter coming soon (: