Angela Martin: The Cat Savior

The Secret Life of Angela

(from Angela's pov)

Ugh, there are so many dog people in this office, it's so annoying. They are disgusting. Someday they will truly understand the benefits of having the power of God and cats on their side. Whatever, it's 5:00 anyway. They're all going home to watch tv or whatever while I actually partake in a meaningful activity.

I roll my eyes at my fellow accountants as we leave.

"What are you mad about now?" my fruity ass desk neighbor Oscar gives me a blank stare.

"There are too many dog people in this office!" The rage of knowing that some people preferred dogs over cats boiled inside me.

The office mattress, Pam, rolls her eyes at me. Meanwhile, I mentally make plans to show up to my boyfriend's farm tonight and have the wildest sex imaginable.

"Are we still good for dinner tomorrow?" asks my other man, my fiancé Andy.

"Yeah," I say. "As long as there's no patios or vegetables or fun things."

"Gotcha, babe," says my theater kid fiancé with an absolutely steamy smile. He's such a handsome man, definitely the hottest guy in the office. His only flaws are that he isn't as weird as I would like him to be and that he is still a virgin. I lowkey don't actually want to marry him, but he's the closest thing this office has to a true man of Jesus.

I get into my car and drive myself home, far away from my annoying coworkers. I call my farm boyfriend Dwight and tell him I'm coming over tonight. I give all my cats their food and light a candle at the shrine I made in loving memory my late fur baby Sprinkles. I miss her dearly but her spirit still guides me. I spend an hour reading Song of Solomon, which is my favorite book of the Bible. Then I pray for God to protect the cats of the universe and bless the sex I am going to have tonight.

One of my other fur babies, Bandit, meows at me. I pick him up and hold him for a very long time. He is my baby boy and God be with anyone who dares to harm him in any way.

Suddenly, a dog ghost manifests in front of me.

"Go away, asshole."

The dog ghost barks.

I eliminate him with my secret telekinesis powers.

Bandit's eyes start glowing red. He is a magical cat protector just like his mommy. I am so proud of him. He will save so many innocent cat lives from those nasty little dogs.

I channel the power of the Bible to send a shock wave across the universe that turned everyone into a cat person. Now all the dogs will suffer. Cats will reign supreme forever.

I leave the house and head off to my weird sci-fi stan boyfriend's farm. Now I am an unstoppable force of nature he cannot resist. He had no choice but to submit. After about 3 hours, I get tired of fucking and leave that nasty ass farm and zoom over to my theater kid fiancé's fancy house. I use my cat lady energy to bless his home with the power of Jesus.

Now it's the morning. I arrive to work to see all my annoying coworkers wearing cat ears, which makes them slightly less annoying. I go sit at my desk. Now my fruity ass desk neighbor has a cat sweater on and actually looks almost attractive for once. All the other women I work with look as whorish as they did just with cat ears now.

My coworkers haven't totally reformed yet. All of them except my weird farm boyfriend slack off constantly and don't give a shit about the rules, and no one in this office fears God enough for me. I would try to save them, but there are some things even cat ladies don't have the power to do.

Now it's nighttime. I just had sex with my loud Broadway stan fiancé and thus removed one of his main flaws. He asks me what kind of food I want at our wedding and I say he should know what kind of food I like by now. He's so stupid which is partially why I cheat on him nearly every day.

He starts singing awfully and I tell him to shut up. I cannot stand his voice. I never want to hear him sing again. I'm considering trying to use my cat lady powers to take away his voice so I don't have to hear him say or sing anything ever again. He goes to sleep and I hypnotize him to sleep for a week so I can stay at my other man's farm for a week without him knowing.

Then I stay up all night drinking hella milk. It's so good. I wish I was a cat so I had an excuse to drink it all the time.

I go to Walmart and buy a fuck ton of cat food for my precious fur babies. I get home and light the candle for Sprinkles. I miss him so much. He is the reason I fight. I can never give up. I will do it for him.