and cause noone fuccing cares about how i am, why should anyone care about some dumb little vents some stupid person's posts, right? so I'm gonna vent some more.
is there anyone out there that actually likes me? is there anyone that likes to be with me, talking to me, spending time with me? cause it doesn't seem like it. there's noone that would be like "oh, i wanna see some person that makes me feel good" and text me. it's not like i do something bad. people say I'm nice, i'm trying to be nice and i think i'm kind of generous or something, kind of friendly and non confrontational. but i still fuccing annoy people. all the time. there's noone that would actually like to be with me. they talk with me for a while, go out with me, are my friends or date me, we text and call and spend time together. but in the end, they leave. eventually, they can't handle me. cause i'm too much, or too little, or just not the right type. i've been going through my whole life trying to be just the right amount. not too odd, not too boring. not too loud, not too quiet. not too distant, not too intrusive. but i still am. i'm never the right amount. i'm still too much or too little. i'm too overwhelming or too tired. and there's nothing i could do about it. cause i've already tried. i've been trying my whole life to shape myself into some ideal form that people would actually like. and i'm just not able to. and it hurts.
every day hurts. every rejection hurts more then the one before. and i've been trying to not take it personally. hope that there is someone that would actually like me. just the way i am. but that's bullshit. cause i can try and try and try but i'm gonna be this exact piece of useless fuccing being till I die. and i hope it's gonna be soon. it's still nearer and nearer. every bad word someone says to me, every minor inconvenience i must go through, every mean face expression someone gives me, pushes me further to the edge. not because I'm some delicate sensitive flower that is too precious for this world. but because I'm basically looking for the reasons myself at this point. so thank you for not caring. it's gonna be easier, cause i have noone to write goodbye letter to, saying sorry to, explain something to. thank you for not fuccing being here. it doesn't fuccing matter. cause noone didn't even read it to this point. goodnight.
04/11/2021
i would say that my friends hate me, but for that they would have to care about me first. lol.
