Free At Last!
Short story:
By: Xairah
We are all taught to practice self love,
but the crucial truth is that sometimes it's hard to love ourselves because we are too broken and everything just feels like is spiraling out of control, we are too bruised it's so unbearable and we are chained down by the destinies that it is so hard to break free. But breaking free is what we actually need!
I shove the knife into his big stomach, he groans and grabs my hand roughly and pushes me to the wall, and goes for my neck I duck and when he misses i aim for the chest right below his breast, I put more effort than before his loud scream is music to my ears. He tries fighting but I got him so I keep on stabbing, until he gives up I let his fat body hit the ground. I've never been this satisfied in my life. I look down and everything is red, from the walls to the floor. There is a huge dam of blood on the floor, my hands are covered with blood oh no! My favorite night dress is drenched in his blood it's frustrating, I give him one last kick before dropping the knife.
I sit down next to his body, I feel a wave of regret flashing but it quickly goes away when I remember why I killed him. People are going to hate me, my siblings will never forgive me, well my mother's hate for me will increase. But all that doesn't matter of course. For once in my life I feel good about my actions. If I knew it would feel this great, I would have long done it.
A hysterical scream brings me back to reality, it's my step sister Naomi, damnit! She wasn't supposed to see this. I try to stand up so I can console her, I slip and fall down I feel nauseated and lightheaded the sight is not pleasing at all., I close my eyes to gain strength but my mother's wailing weakens me once more, I open my eyes slowly and I see blurry, it wasn't my intention to hurt them but it will be hard for them to recover from this. There is too much noise, I guess the neighbors heard the screaming. Funny how quickly they heard them and never heard mine all these years. Only these walls can tell my story.
I can already see the headlines tomorrow. A STEPDAUGHTER STABS A PASTOR TO DEATH.
And then they will rumble about speculations because no one knows the truth. Everything will be blamed on me, what wrong could a "very noble" pastor do? He is righteous in the eyes of the people. I will look like an 'ungrateful brat', his favorite phrase, I still don't know what am I supposed to be grateful for, maybe for the life he ruined.
Jail or life sentence, I don't mind my life has been worse, hell maybe. It all started with my "good for nothing" father abandoning me, his only job was to love me and take care of me but well, he failed. Looking like him never did me any good, it only gave my mother all the reasons to hate me more. Everyday that she saw my face she was only reminded of the pains that he caused her, only if I knew what exactly that pain was. She always reminded me of how much she regretted ever having me, on every chance she got until I got used to it.
Then she met the precious pastor, I was older enough then to see how much he made her happy. He knew how to give her everything she wanted. He took me in and accepted me as his own child which was a cherry on top for her. Everything changed when they had their own kids. It started to get real when I couldn't get a pair of shoes without working for it, in their words it was for training me. It got worse when I had to pay with myself.
I never saw my teenage years. I was already a woman, this so-called man of God took my innocence, and he never stopped there. At first I thought maybe that's how it's meant to be. I remember the first time, how can I forget because it is the most painful one. Mom was away at a women's ministries camp, oh now I know why there were so many of them camps. He came to my room with a very beautiful school bag, told me he was doing me a favor, that I don't have to work for it but only show some gratitude. Showing gratitude had never been that painful.
He never stopped coming after that night. He came even when Mom was at home. There is a time when it got unbearable and I told Mom, he made sure it goes away just like that and that I never talk about it again. I suffered in silence. It also started with a slap, then blue eyes which I had to hide with make-up. I became a pro in lying, my poor nonexistent boyfriend got all the blame. He loved inflicting pain, No sugar coating he was violent with me. Everytime I couldn't take it he made it look like he was doing me a favor. It was a must to bear it all.
I tried running away many times, got caught and paid for it. I got a lot of punishments for attempting to run. He had a lot of connections so finding me was easier. In other times I would run away for two days and come back alone. It's crazy how the cruel things he did to me became sweet, I got addicted to them. No, I came back because that's the only life I knew. I couldn't imagine any other life without him.
Lately I have been feeling nausea, and I missed my female days. This is not the first time it happened. I've felt this way before and it would end up with us going to see the family doctor. Abortions. It would weigh in my conscience for days and the pastor would tell me to forget about it, it was a necessary thing to do. This time I couldn't let him do this to me. I wasn't going to allow him to take away the only thing I would ever call my own. The only person who would love me unconditionally. I had to give my child a chance.
There is a lot of noise, mostly it's people screaming. I pick out my mom's voice because she is screaming louder. "This monster killed my husband arrest her now!" Now I am getting scared, I'm scared if the police take longer these angry people might finish me too. I'm scared my own mother thinks I am a monster, maybe I am, I just killed the only man I've known, the father of my babies.
Someone grabs me roughly. I look up and it's a Policeman, he is speaking but I can't hear anything. My mind is miles away. I'm numb, I can't even feel the handcuffs. He continues talking, roughening me up. I'm so frustrated and the crowd is cheering it's so bad for me. I should have done this and ran away to the unknown world but it's too late now.
Bam! The door of the van closes on my face. I look outside by the tiny window, my mom is so dramatic, we both know that, that man was only married to her on paper. Now why is she acting like this? Not my business anyways. I watch as they carry his body into the ambulance. I smile, I'm impressed. I want to hug myself right now.
The end!
