Colours

hi

          Living life as a girl who questions herself a lot and doesn't know sometimes what to do or how to feel has a lot of downfalls. most of the time I am so lost in myself that I don't know what to do. I sometimes don't know whether I should cry or whether I should laugh. People laugh at others telling me that they are freaks and abominations with me without knowing I am one of them too. People wait for my downfall, my demise to take my chance to take my place.

Sometimes you don't know who to trust and who to hate that all you do is lie. You lie to yourself you lie to your loved ones and outsiders just hide your insecurities and imperfections. But according to my point of view, everyone deserves a second chance. Except if you are the bad guy of course. But sometimes have you noticed, the villains have way more sad and heart touching background stories than the actual heroes. Most of the time they became bad because of their life experiences. It is your background and your life that decides whether you are the hero or the villain.

Sometimes you get so used to perfection that when things go wrong you don't know what to do. I am a very emotionally sensitive person so I've been heartbroken quite a lot of times. So eventually in my adolescence, I turned colder than ice and harder than steel. People say I'm cold because I am too successful or because I don't care about my loved ones. But what they don't understand is it's just a facade, or because I'm afraid I will get hurt or most importantly my loved ones will get hurt.

I'm not speaking only about myself. I am speaking for everybody who has the same issue as me. Sometimes my feelings overwhelm me. My emotions weigh too much on my heart and there is no one to listen to me. True, my parents are there. And I speak to them about everything. But the problem is I am Pansexual and my parents are homophobic. My whole family is except for my older cousin sister and my older cousin brother. Because one is lesbian and the other is Bisexual.

They are the only people who understand me in my family and also my dearest best friends. They always supported when one came out as a lesbian. So I took it as my cue and outed to my 4 best friends as Pan. I'm happy that I did too. Now they know the real me. Not the cute girl who is a big nuisance sometimes, but the badass, savage who is actually a big ball of sunshine. I'm waiting till the day my parents show me that they accept gays so that they will get to know me, the part of me which they never knew existed.