childhood friend

twenty

doyeon pov

still not processing the situation, i watch as he left completely, boarding the plane as his flight was called, thats it. younghoon's gone. forever. my legs surrendered immediately falling down onto the floor, i was a mess, my love at first sight left me, now my best friend left me, what more can make my life worse,? what punishment is this? i felt pairs of arms wrapping around me, figuring it's woo and juyeon, no wonder sunwoo was so depressed, it was like having a brother leave him, his partner in crime,

we both needed younghoon and depended on him alot, reason as to why we both broke down so badly, juyeon on the other hand, seemed less bothered by him but more bothered about me, it felt wrong, younghoon is really gone. no trace, no message - just gone. just thinking about not being able to wake up to his smile, not having him to comfort me, not having hoon, made my heart sink even more..

the car journey was sickening, i wasn't able to focus alone with my thoughts, ideas suffocated my brain, but still no younghoon, part of me wished this was all a dream, but it was in fact harsh reality. i rustled around in the back uncomfortably alone, missing the presence of him that was with me just an hour ago, we arrived home, i didn't speak one word to anyone just simply retreated to my room to where i'd hibernate for days.

i wasnt able to have him to put me at ease, not being able to have him to put my worries aside, no longer him being right by my side, it hurts. a lot. throwing my duvet over my head and crying more until i was dead of dehydration, i remember the letter at which he gave me before he left. i carefully open the envelope reserving every memory of him i could as it read ;

'dear my yeon,

im sorry, before anything else im sorry, this seems like such a selfish decision to make, sadly i have no choice but to leave, im doing this for the best, my father as you know from our daily deep conversations, has fallen very ill to the point of close death, i can't lose my dad like this alone, but i couldn't lose my other family : you. i've cried just thinking of having to leave you, the way you'll move on from me and live as if i never existed, im scared you'll hate me for leaving you, i know how hard it is for you,, having everyone you love leave you, even worse someone who's always there, always. i'm probably gone by now, somewhere in the sky crying as i reflect on my actions.. i just wanted to say how much i love you, not just as my childhood friend but also as a lover, for the past few years i've fallen for you, the way you smile and treat me like the female figure i needed in my life, it hurts to leave the love of my life like this but i promise i will be back to have our daily cuddles and laughs just how we did since we were little children, maybe not tomorrow but one day.. and the next time i see your pretty face ; you'll probably already have a boyfriend and you're life sorted, i want you to remember i'm one phone call away, i won't ignore or even hesitate to talk to you. i love you so much yeon,, stay happy and healthy <3

— your hoonie.'

tears streamed down my face, reading each word pierced my heart even more, i even noticed his small tear stain that had dampened the letter, but i'm glad he didn't leave me out of a selfish reason, he deserves to be with his true family, its been hard for hoonie to live without his parents even if theyre seperated,, i guess life has its ways, we wont always be together but at heart we will, romantically or not im still at mixed feelings,,

the truth of him liking me made my heart throb, me blindly not noticing his affection resulting in no romantic feelings for hoonie, it made me feel guilty as he'd figured that out by now, not only does he have to leave me but also leave his emotions for me, how cruel this world is for everyone.. i can't bare living like this any longer. "i love you hoon" i say quietly looking into the ceiling, i hope he'll be okay, i hope he'd be happy, we all deserve love even if it ends in a melancholy way..